Mixed Feelings

OK So, I think something... odd has happened. Maybe I was reading a blog or maybe it was a picture or a comment or a  million different things. But I think I got triggered. Like the real kind. The kind that makes a girl go from kind of ED to EDNOS.
I'm starting to realize that my behaviour is no longer that of a wannarexic or those stupid girls who actually lie on their blogs about success and losing weight even though they haven't. Those are worse by far in my opinion.
 But anyway, I've just been going over my behaviour lately. I mean, I take diet pills (I took six yesterday), I really truly have started to hate my body and myself, I exercise heavily working on different body parts each day for four days out of every five, I'm paranoid. Like seriously.. Just twenty minutes ago, I took a two pound weight from the at home gym in my basement and weighed it to make sure the scale wasn't lying about my weight. I almost burst into tears of joy when I saw that my scale was acurate and not bullshitting me. I tried to stand just now and I had to sit back down because I was scared I was going to pass out again. And I'm starting to realize that this is taking much less effort than it used to. I don't succumb to my cravings anymore. Ever. I actually barely ever get them. Not as bad anyway.
 But, don't take it the wrong way. Those things are not things I'm proud of. I hope this is just some kind of extended fluke. I hope I'm just paranoid. Because, being pro-ana doesn't mean you promote being anorexic. It means you chose to lose weight using anorexic tips, tricks, and certain mindsets. We don't wish it upon other people or encourage people to do it if they haven't already started. We just support those who do. Well, at least that's what it means to me.
 So, that being said, I don't want a full blown ED exactly, but being pro-ana, I feel that taking on certain expectations is the best way for me to reach certain goals. So it's a little scary to be literally shaking and heart thumping and sweaty and dizzy all from the anxiety of weighing myself. It's definitely not normal to look at pictures of food because I'm not going to eat them anymore.
 What I'm saying is, I don't really think I made it that obvious in my posts just how much distress this is causing me. I'm a little bit concerned, but I know if I asked for help, no one would believe I have a problem because I'm fat. I'm too fat to have a problem.
 I don't really think I can just stop even if I tried right about now, and honestly, I like it this way. I don't worry about bingeing as much. My day centres around hiding and weighing and calories and exercise as oppose to when I spent every minute fighting the urge to run to the kitchen and eat until I could barely move.
I don't know what to feel.
~ Cleosparks