Alright so update: Monday was successful. I had 634/671 calories. I weighed myself on Tuesday and was 134.5 calories. Yesterday was also good, 667/671 calories. I weighed myself this morning and I now weigh 134 lbs.
So, today is 471 calories and I'm feeling pretty damn confident. Down two pounds in two days and I'm going to keep pushing. I'll admit, yesterday was harder than Monday, Probably because I ate most of my calories at breakfast, so I didn't really have much room for error during the rest of the day.
I haven't worked out in like three days, so I feel like a slug, maybe I'll do some cardio today. So, yeah, that is all I guess.
Things are looking bright. Sorry for the inconsistent posting by the way. Updating from my phone is becoming extremely difficult.
Wish me luck!
~Cleosparks
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Monday 20 August 2012
Three... Days
Three days. Three. Days. I didn't even know it was physically possible to binge for that long nonstop with no breaks. Well, I did it. I look freaking pregnant. So backed up, it's not even funny. Seriously, imagine a binge bloat and then multiply it by three... It literally looks like my stomach is a seperate being from the rest of me.
I gained two pounds. 136. Why do I even do this to myself? I know how much I'll hate myself, but I still go and binge anyway. Fucking stupid. The last thing I wanted to do this morning was weigh myself, I just wanted to start this altered ABC diet and hopefully not be this bloated tomorrow. But then I remembered it was Piggy's Challenge weigh-in day so... I hopped on the scale. Instantly regretted it.
But to make myselfnot feel suicidal feel better, I focussed all my thoughts on the ABC today. I can fix this. I just have to have under 671 calories today. I can fix this...
Well, I've got nothing left to say other than I literally feel sick when I look in the mirror.. but what else is new?
~ Cleosparks
*edit* Oh, I also grew half an inch. 5'8" (Mental Happy Dance.) Maybe I still have a change at being in the olympics!
I gained two pounds. 136. Why do I even do this to myself? I know how much I'll hate myself, but I still go and binge anyway. Fucking stupid. The last thing I wanted to do this morning was weigh myself, I just wanted to start this altered ABC diet and hopefully not be this bloated tomorrow. But then I remembered it was Piggy's Challenge weigh-in day so... I hopped on the scale. Instantly regretted it.
But to make myself
Well, I've got nothing left to say other than I literally feel sick when I look in the mirror.. but what else is new?
~ Cleosparks
*edit* Oh, I also grew half an inch. 5'8" (Mental Happy Dance.) Maybe I still have a change at being in the olympics!
Friday 17 August 2012
Plateau
I hit a plateau (as the title so obviously implies). Well, technically, I've only been 134 for two days, but being one weight for more than one day for me, is considered a plateau.
You know how I get when something goes wrong, I panick and research it and figure out ways to fix it. And that's what I did.
On a site I found (can't remember which one), it suggested varying intakes. For example, I tend to try for 500 calories or lower each day. That adds up to a total of 3500 calories in one week. So the theory is, I should change up my intake daily in a way that when you add up all the intakes over seven days and divide by seven, it will still average out to five hundred.
So, I want to put that to the test... Using the ABC diet as a base. Here's what I did:
I started off by adding all the calories for the first seven days of the ABC diet together and dividing that number by seven. This gave me an average daily intake for those seven days. Then, I subtracted that average from 500 (the average I want). The number it gave me is the difference between my average (500) and the average for week 1 of ABC. Next, I added taht number seperately to all of the first seven days of ABC. Now I have the intake I need every day for seven days at an average of 500 daily while still varying my intake the same way the ABC diet does.
I basically just repeated the process for the second week and third week etc. Does that explanation make sense? No? Haha, don't worry I did all the math so no one else has to. ;)
Here's my personalized ABC diet after making the changes:
1. 671
2. 671
3. 471
4. 571
5. 271
6. 371
7.471
8.614
9. 714
10. 214
11. 364
12. 414
13. 614
14. 564
15. 600
16. 550
17. 350
18. 550
19. 450
20. 350
21. 650
22. 600
23. 550
24. 500
25. 450
26. 400
27. 450
28. 550
29. 378
30. 478
31. 978
32. 178
33. 428
34. 528
35. 628
36. 178
37. 678
38. 628
39. 578
40. 528
41. 478
42. 428
43. 415
44. 415
45. 465
46. 415
47. 515
48. 415
49. 365
50. FAST
So, basically all I did was alter the ABC diet so that the average daily intake is 500 calories instead.
Don't believe me? Take the first seven intakes of the original ABC diet, add 171 to each intake. Then add all seven of the new intakes together and divide that number by 7. It should equal about 500 (give or take one or two calories).
Yep, so I'm starting that on Monday. Until then I'll try and will myself into not plateauing anymore... Fun.
Wish me luck :)
~ Cleosparks
You know how I get when something goes wrong, I panick and research it and figure out ways to fix it. And that's what I did.
On a site I found (can't remember which one), it suggested varying intakes. For example, I tend to try for 500 calories or lower each day. That adds up to a total of 3500 calories in one week. So the theory is, I should change up my intake daily in a way that when you add up all the intakes over seven days and divide by seven, it will still average out to five hundred.
So, I want to put that to the test... Using the ABC diet as a base. Here's what I did:
I started off by adding all the calories for the first seven days of the ABC diet together and dividing that number by seven. This gave me an average daily intake for those seven days. Then, I subtracted that average from 500 (the average I want). The number it gave me is the difference between my average (500) and the average for week 1 of ABC. Next, I added taht number seperately to all of the first seven days of ABC. Now I have the intake I need every day for seven days at an average of 500 daily while still varying my intake the same way the ABC diet does.
I basically just repeated the process for the second week and third week etc. Does that explanation make sense? No? Haha, don't worry I did all the math so no one else has to. ;)
Here's my personalized ABC diet after making the changes:
1. 671
2. 671
3. 471
4. 571
5. 271
6. 371
7.471
8.614
9. 714
10. 214
11. 364
12. 414
13. 614
14. 564
15. 600
16. 550
17. 350
18. 550
19. 450
20. 350
21. 650
22. 600
23. 550
24. 500
25. 450
26. 400
27. 450
28. 550
29. 378
30. 478
31. 978
32. 178
33. 428
34. 528
35. 628
36. 178
37. 678
38. 628
39. 578
40. 528
41. 478
42. 428
43. 415
44. 415
45. 465
46. 415
47. 515
48. 415
49. 365
50. FAST
So, basically all I did was alter the ABC diet so that the average daily intake is 500 calories instead.
Don't believe me? Take the first seven intakes of the original ABC diet, add 171 to each intake. Then add all seven of the new intakes together and divide that number by 7. It should equal about 500 (give or take one or two calories).
Yep, so I'm starting that on Monday. Until then I'll try and will myself into not plateauing anymore... Fun.
Wish me luck :)
~ Cleosparks
Thursday 16 August 2012
Wednesday 15 August 2012
Binging Tip!
Okay, so after yesterday, I got really scared about the binge, so I looked up what to do after words and found this. In the comment section, I found this comment:
"I also find this method really helpful when ABOUT to binge. If you wanna skip the little intro go ahead to the ****
So you know that moment before the binge? There's always that moment where you THINK about the food, and what it would be like to have it, then there's another moment where you decide to give in, and you become very excited at the idea of delving into all that food - excited, almost anxious.
(Telling you guys... WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN! those are the feelings I feel when about to binge).
And then I sort of devour the food, and look for the next available source... and eat and eat and slowly the pleasure starts to wear away after you've tasted all that food. You start to think, now that I've had FOOD A and FOOD B... and c and d... what ever, what's the next step? You already feel guilty for indulging. So you repeat - and eat more A and B and C.. at least thats what I do. Until I'm so full I feel sick!
****
So here's something I find really helpful when I feel about to just give in and eat everything in sight. First off, I do a bit of acting here and there, so believing and imagining is part of my every day life. This really helps me when it comes to my little enemy... the binge. So... I sit down and ENVISION myself eating all that food. Really try to imagine it, the first few bites, then this, then that, then eating more. The smooth texture of food melting in your mouth. The cheesy garlic bread, the crispy potato chips, the sweet, creamy (or doughy) ice cream, the cakey brownie, the soft frosting, the chewy or crunchy cookies melting....
Its awesome, right?? You're eating (without excess calories) IN YOUR MIND! But wait that's not it. Sure, its awesome. By this time, you've had the bread, the cookie, the crisps, the fries, the ice cream, the cake, what ever... Now what? I mean you just blew your diet. You JUST ATE 2000+ CALORIES in one sitting! GUILT settles in. Solution? EAT MORE. Before, you may have just been bored or hungry but now, its turned into emotional binge eating. See how it cycles? So you become angry - sad - you keep eating until you are sick - your all bloated and you feel your temperature up, your heart pulsing faster and faster as it tries to metabolise the colossal amount of calories you just ate (carbs, fats, whatever). You know your going to be crying over this for days, and working your little butt off in the gym for the next week. Now STOP.
Come back to reality. You're sitting on the couch, ready to grab that donut or bread and scarf the damn thing down. But stop, because you have just, succesfully, ENVISIONED a binge - not JUST the tastes of food, but the EMOTIONS. The positives and negatives. Now..... Look at yourself. PRE binge. After all that in your mind... aren't you glad you didn't do it in real life? You sure you still wanna binge and feel those negative emotions for the next..oh... week or so?"
Um... What the hell!? This is amazing! I'm just going to read this every time I want to binge or give up. Put the basic principle of the exercise into everything I do. Fucking genius.
Anyway, this morning I weighed myself. 133 lbs. Half a pound lost :) I'm just happy I didn't gain. No more binging for me. Not for a while.
Also, since I lost weight, I saw no reason to do the liquid fast as that's a way to lose more weight faster after a pretty powerful binge.
Since I'm a crazy nut, I researched basically everything that has to do with binging and how to lessen the effects and how to prevent it... etc. And I learned a lot about water retention and how it affects you. The fact that I haven't been drinking very much water is to blame for passing out and cutting my elbow, the fact that I have yet to drop a duke (four days and counting people -_-), my stomach looks all bloated and gross all the time, and my slowing pace in weightloss.
Moral of the story: drink water. And lots of it.
Today's goal is (surprise, surprise) under 500 calories.
Wish me luck
~ Cleosparks
"I also find this method really helpful when ABOUT to binge. If you wanna skip the little intro go ahead to the ****
So you know that moment before the binge? There's always that moment where you THINK about the food, and what it would be like to have it, then there's another moment where you decide to give in, and you become very excited at the idea of delving into all that food - excited, almost anxious.
(Telling you guys... WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN! those are the feelings I feel when about to binge).
And then I sort of devour the food, and look for the next available source... and eat and eat and slowly the pleasure starts to wear away after you've tasted all that food. You start to think, now that I've had FOOD A and FOOD B... and c and d... what ever, what's the next step? You already feel guilty for indulging. So you repeat - and eat more A and B and C.. at least thats what I do. Until I'm so full I feel sick!
****
So here's something I find really helpful when I feel about to just give in and eat everything in sight. First off, I do a bit of acting here and there, so believing and imagining is part of my every day life. This really helps me when it comes to my little enemy... the binge. So... I sit down and ENVISION myself eating all that food. Really try to imagine it, the first few bites, then this, then that, then eating more. The smooth texture of food melting in your mouth. The cheesy garlic bread, the crispy potato chips, the sweet, creamy (or doughy) ice cream, the cakey brownie, the soft frosting, the chewy or crunchy cookies melting....
Its awesome, right?? You're eating (without excess calories) IN YOUR MIND! But wait that's not it. Sure, its awesome. By this time, you've had the bread, the cookie, the crisps, the fries, the ice cream, the cake, what ever... Now what? I mean you just blew your diet. You JUST ATE 2000+ CALORIES in one sitting! GUILT settles in. Solution? EAT MORE. Before, you may have just been bored or hungry but now, its turned into emotional binge eating. See how it cycles? So you become angry - sad - you keep eating until you are sick - your all bloated and you feel your temperature up, your heart pulsing faster and faster as it tries to metabolise the colossal amount of calories you just ate (carbs, fats, whatever). You know your going to be crying over this for days, and working your little butt off in the gym for the next week. Now STOP.
Come back to reality. You're sitting on the couch, ready to grab that donut or bread and scarf the damn thing down. But stop, because you have just, succesfully, ENVISIONED a binge - not JUST the tastes of food, but the EMOTIONS. The positives and negatives. Now..... Look at yourself. PRE binge. After all that in your mind... aren't you glad you didn't do it in real life? You sure you still wanna binge and feel those negative emotions for the next..oh... week or so?"
Um... What the hell!? This is amazing! I'm just going to read this every time I want to binge or give up. Put the basic principle of the exercise into everything I do. Fucking genius.
Anyway, this morning I weighed myself. 133 lbs. Half a pound lost :) I'm just happy I didn't gain. No more binging for me. Not for a while.
Also, since I lost weight, I saw no reason to do the liquid fast as that's a way to lose more weight faster after a pretty powerful binge.
Since I'm a crazy nut, I researched basically everything that has to do with binging and how to lessen the effects and how to prevent it... etc. And I learned a lot about water retention and how it affects you. The fact that I haven't been drinking very much water is to blame for passing out and cutting my elbow, the fact that I have yet to drop a duke (four days and counting people -_-), my stomach looks all bloated and gross all the time, and my slowing pace in weightloss.
Moral of the story: drink water. And lots of it.
Today's goal is (surprise, surprise) under 500 calories.
Wish me luck
~ Cleosparks
Tuesday 14 August 2012
My First Binge In... A While
I just had my first binge in a really long time. 410 calories. That heightens today's intake to 910. Gross. Very upset right now and I feel sick. But, not sick to throw up of course. Ugh, I actually very ill from all that food. I know I'm going to gain weight tomorrow. I just know it. I think I might cry. Right now I`m praying to maintain. Maintenance is all I ask right now.
Ew, how did this even happen? I was doing so well for like eight pounds and just decide to stuff my face all of a sudden. How did I manage to even eat that much in like thirty minutes anyway? This means I have to work like super hard tomorrow. This is just freaking wonderful. I hate binges. They fucking suck. God, I feel so fat right now.
It's so windy and rainy outside, and honestly, it perfectly depicts my mood. I hate basically everything right now. I don't know why I did that. I honestly don't. I wasn't even that hungry. Well, at least it wasn't up to 1000 calories. Then I would be fucked.
I really need to work harder if I want to lose weight. I' assuing I'll be about 135 lbs tomorrow. That leaves me 21 days to lose 15 lbs if I want to be 120 by September fourth. I have to work really hard.
Maybe I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow to reduce my stomach a bit and lessen water retention. Actually, that's a good idea. I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow while still sticking to 500 calorie goal, then I'll resume my regular restriction.
Wish me luck.
~ cleosparks
Ew, how did this even happen? I was doing so well for like eight pounds and just decide to stuff my face all of a sudden. How did I manage to even eat that much in like thirty minutes anyway? This means I have to work like super hard tomorrow. This is just freaking wonderful. I hate binges. They fucking suck. God, I feel so fat right now.
It's so windy and rainy outside, and honestly, it perfectly depicts my mood. I hate basically everything right now. I don't know why I did that. I honestly don't. I wasn't even that hungry. Well, at least it wasn't up to 1000 calories. Then I would be fucked.
I really need to work harder if I want to lose weight. I' assuing I'll be about 135 lbs tomorrow. That leaves me 21 days to lose 15 lbs if I want to be 120 by September fourth. I have to work really hard.
Maybe I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow to reduce my stomach a bit and lessen water retention. Actually, that's a good idea. I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow while still sticking to 500 calorie goal, then I'll resume my regular restriction.
Wish me luck.
~ cleosparks
My Arm Hurts :(
To start off with, due to a bit of *ahem* miscalculation and confusion, I accidentally went over yesterday's planned intake of 500. I had 600 to 800. My lesson learned: I need to pay more attention to what measuring cups I use... fail.
Moving on, I mentioned in my last post some experimentation with cleansing tea. I REGRET IT. Not only did the tea not work (I have yet to drop a duke for three days now), but mixed with the diet pill, the pain was not a pleasant experience. It wasn't even the sharp pain you get from too many laxatives, it was this nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me feel horrible. And it lasted ALL DAY. Never. Again.
Wow, that's two failures in one day. New record.
Also, I got out of bed too fast this morning and fainted. That's not so bad, I've fainted plenty of times. But, the worst part is, on my way down I banged the area over my left elbow against the dresser. Now I have a gash in my arm that's excruciatingly painful. Thanks a lot dehydration.
Well, ahem, I weighed myself this morning after I stopped rolling around on the floor in agony and... 133.5 lbs! Yay! One good thing that's happened today!
Oh, you know, I never mentioned it before, but about a week ago, when my mom arrived home from work, I fainted when I got up to say hello and banged my forehead against the wooden railing of my staircase. She didn't even notice. -.-
So, I'm gonna go drink some water now before I faint again, hopefully the rest of the day will go smoothly. 500 calorie goal as always.
Wish me luck.
~ Cleosparks
Monday 13 August 2012
Piggy's Challenge Weigh-in?
Hey, there! It's 9:20 am where I'm at and I do believe it is time for the Piggy's Challenge weigh-in. I'm not exactly sure how this is supposed to work, whether we're supposed to put it on our individual blogs or post an update on her blog...
I think I'll check her blog out for more details when I'm done here.
Anyway, I weighed myself a couple of minutes ago and I weighed 134.5 lbs! Yay! I look pretty round in the tummy area though since it's been two days since I had a bowel movement (TMI? Haha), I probably will weigh less when I get around to that.
Nevertheless, I'm very pleased that I'm back under my start weight and I've lost six pounds since the initial weigh-in for the challenge. Very exiting!
Today's goal is under 500 as it was for last week because I see no sense in changing a winning formula... When it stops working, I'll lower it again.
No one's home but my brother and I, so yay for diet pills! And I also found some cleansing tea this morning which is a healthy (well, healthiER) alternative to the laxatives I was basically addicted to before. I'll try that out with my diet pills together and see what happens. I just hope I don't regret it...
Anyway, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
Sunday 12 August 2012
Late Post
I just read my last post and I'm just sitting here like, "when the fuck did I write that?"
Anyway, let me start this with yesterday:
The day of the party. That afternoon was the first time I ate as I managed to lie some bullshit about having already eaten some breakfast even though I obviously didn't. Even then, lunch was an overestimated total of 350 calories. I know! Why the fuck is there so much in just one meal?
Nevertheless, after that meal, I weighed myself and I was down to 136 lbs! I was jumping around in circles and singing loudly because there was no one in the house to hear my rejoice.
Then came the party which started around 7:00 pm. These weird crunchy miniature breadstick looking snacks were placed on each table before the food was brought out, but I didn't eat any because I knew they were just empty calories. When the food was brought out, I ate a couple bites before handing my plate to the waiter, an overestimated intake of about another 200.
At 1:00 am today (that I count as yesterday since it was still at the party), cake was served and I had another couple of bites, another estimated intake of 250 calories.
After all that overestimation, it still couldn't have been more than 800. So, I was pleased yet distressed about how much weight I must have gained.
That being said, I weighed myself when I woke up today, about 1:00 pm (it's about 10:50 pm right now by the way), and I weighed 135 lbs. How? How is that even possible? I can't even...
This weight is just so... I didn't think... I don't even know. Coincidentally, if you didn't notice, my LW and my HW are a twently pound difference. So, halfway between is 136 lbs. Not that it means anything, but I'm now on the LW half of the twenty pound range.
Anyway, I had an overestimated intake of 500 calories today. Not very good, but my family was home again today. Tomorrow, however, is a whole different story. I'm going to resume taking diet pills again (I was unable to take any with my family buzzing around all weekend), and hopefully I'll drop even faster... hopefully.
I'm so excited to update my stats because I reached a couple of goals today :)
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
~ Cleosparks
...
2:20 am. The party ended an hour ago. I helped clean up for another hour. Too tired to even write about today (yesterday?). Too tired to fall asleep. I finally get that song by Owl City. I like volleyball. Chris Hemsworth is hot. Team Jacob. I'm still fat.
Saturday 11 August 2012
Anxiety
Today's going to be hard. Not because of fear of binging (I don't really get that urge any more), but because everyone is home. I don't know if I mentioned it already, but my sister and parents work only on weekdays. Not only did I not get the chance to weigh myself today (the only accurate scale in the house is in my parents' room), but I know my parents will make me eat.
First off, I'm suffering from some extreme anxiety right about now because I have know idea how much I weigh. I probably lost, but I feel fat. So, what if, in the off chance that I didn't lose, I somehow magically gained 3.5 lbs and went back to 142? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW! This can't be good for my mental health.
Also, I mentioned in my last post (more like ranted) that my dad's fancy party is tonight. We rented a hall, got waiters and everything. I just know that we'll be expected to eat there.
In the perfect world, I would just not eat until the event to prevent as much weight gain as possible and maybe possibly look like less of a cow in the dress. But, as I mentioned, everyone is home today and I can already here my mom cooking breakfast. Dammit. Why does everyone feel the need to eat all the time?
Well, I'm going to fast as much as is possible with my entire family at home, and hopefully on monday (the next chance I'll have to weigh myself), I'll at least have maintained. Hopefully. I'm like fucking praying right now that I don't weigh myself and see 139, or worse yet, 140+
Oh my God, ya I'm gonna stop thinking like that because it is causing deep emotional distress. My hand is literally shaking... I don't know how to deal with life right now. It totally sucks ass.
~ Cleosparks
First off, I'm suffering from some extreme anxiety right about now because I have know idea how much I weigh. I probably lost, but I feel fat. So, what if, in the off chance that I didn't lose, I somehow magically gained 3.5 lbs and went back to 142? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW! This can't be good for my mental health.
Also, I mentioned in my last post (more like ranted) that my dad's fancy party is tonight. We rented a hall, got waiters and everything. I just know that we'll be expected to eat there.
In the perfect world, I would just not eat until the event to prevent as much weight gain as possible and maybe possibly look like less of a cow in the dress. But, as I mentioned, everyone is home today and I can already here my mom cooking breakfast. Dammit. Why does everyone feel the need to eat all the time?
Well, I'm going to fast as much as is possible with my entire family at home, and hopefully on monday (the next chance I'll have to weigh myself), I'll at least have maintained. Hopefully. I'm like fucking praying right now that I don't weigh myself and see 139, or worse yet, 140+
Oh my God, ya I'm gonna stop thinking like that because it is causing deep emotional distress. My hand is literally shaking... I don't know how to deal with life right now. It totally sucks ass.
~ Cleosparks
Friday 10 August 2012
Fat Cow Time!
I just feel like the biggest cow in the universe. I ate 439 today, but I just feel so fat. All I see is fat.
So tomorrow is my dad's birthday party and we're going to a fancy hall because my dad is really up there in his business. It's all fancy dress-up.
So of course, my sister and my mom took me out to get a dress. All though, I'd much rather where the sweats and T-shirt I've been wearing since like Sunday. Speaking of sweats, today I wore a pair of jeans and a top that I haven't worn in like two weeks, and they actually fit well. Don't get me wrong, I looked disgusting like I look in everything, but I didn't look like I was about to bust out of my jeans like the last time I wore them.
So anyway, we went to winners because they actually surprisingly have really amazing clothes (shocker!) And my sister and mom picked out like ten dresses for me to try on. They say I look so good in dresses but I don't wear them because I know I look even more like a cow than usual. Because of the event, they chose a couple from the "junior trendsetters" section and a couple from the regular adults section. So I'm a small in adults and a medium in JT.
Well, I sort of find that hard to believe. I feel so fat, how could I ever be a small in anything?
Well the dress they picked goes down to around mid-thigh and it's simple but cute and perfect for the event. It's so adorable... just not on me. I feel like a fat cow in it. But then again I feel like a fat cow in everything.
Pic of dress and the jewelry I'm wearing with it down below.
Also, I have no idea how I'll be weighing tomorrow or even restrict what with the family and everything, but I'll find a way somehow...
Random Irrelevance
I've had 289 calories so far today. It's about 3:00. I'm not going to eat until I'm sure my mom's not making some kind of dinner. A lot of times in the past couple days, I'll reach my calorie limit and think, "Well, I'm done." And then my sister feeds me a granola bar. Ya I really don't wanna go over 500. It's kinda scary. Ugh, I feel so bleh right now. I hate my tummy! It's so fat, and my thighs, and my hips, and my face.... The only thing I like is my arms, as I've said in the past, they're skinny and when I lose weight, I lose it in my arms first, then the rest of me.
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
Mixed Feelings
OK So, I think something... odd has happened. Maybe I was reading a blog or maybe it was a picture or a comment or a million different things. But I think I got triggered. Like the real kind. The kind that makes a girl go from kind of ED to EDNOS.
I'm starting to realize that my behaviour is no longer that of a wannarexic or those stupid girls who actually lie on their blogs about success and losing weight even though they haven't. Those are worse by far in my opinion.
But anyway, I've just been going over my behaviour lately. I mean, I take diet pills (I took six yesterday), I really truly have started to hate my body and myself, I exercise heavily working on different body parts each day for four days out of every five, I'm paranoid. Like seriously.. Just twenty minutes ago, I took a two pound weight from the at home gym in my basement and weighed it to make sure the scale wasn't lying about my weight. I almost burst into tears of joy when I saw that my scale was acurate and not bullshitting me. I tried to stand just now and I had to sit back down because I was scared I was going to pass out again. And I'm starting to realize that this is taking much less effort than it used to. I don't succumb to my cravings anymore. Ever. I actually barely ever get them. Not as bad anyway.
But, don't take it the wrong way. Those things are not things I'm proud of. I hope this is just some kind of extended fluke. I hope I'm just paranoid. Because, being pro-ana doesn't mean you promote being anorexic. It means you chose to lose weight using anorexic tips, tricks, and certain mindsets. We don't wish it upon other people or encourage people to do it if they haven't already started. We just support those who do. Well, at least that's what it means to me.
So, that being said, I don't want a full blown ED exactly, but being pro-ana, I feel that taking on certain expectations is the best way for me to reach certain goals. So it's a little scary to be literally shaking and heart thumping and sweaty and dizzy all from the anxiety of weighing myself. It's definitely not normal to look at pictures of food because I'm not going to eat them anymore.
What I'm saying is, I don't really think I made it that obvious in my posts just how much distress this is causing me. I'm a little bit concerned, but I know if I asked for help, no one would believe I have a problem because I'm fat. I'm too fat to have a problem.
I don't really think I can just stop even if I tried right about now, and honestly, I like it this way. I don't worry about bingeing as much. My day centres around hiding and weighing and calories and exercise as oppose to when I spent every minute fighting the urge to run to the kitchen and eat until I could barely move.
I don't know what to feel.
~ Cleosparks
I'm starting to realize that my behaviour is no longer that of a wannarexic or those stupid girls who actually lie on their blogs about success and losing weight even though they haven't. Those are worse by far in my opinion.
But anyway, I've just been going over my behaviour lately. I mean, I take diet pills (I took six yesterday), I really truly have started to hate my body and myself, I exercise heavily working on different body parts each day for four days out of every five, I'm paranoid. Like seriously.. Just twenty minutes ago, I took a two pound weight from the at home gym in my basement and weighed it to make sure the scale wasn't lying about my weight. I almost burst into tears of joy when I saw that my scale was acurate and not bullshitting me. I tried to stand just now and I had to sit back down because I was scared I was going to pass out again. And I'm starting to realize that this is taking much less effort than it used to. I don't succumb to my cravings anymore. Ever. I actually barely ever get them. Not as bad anyway.
But, don't take it the wrong way. Those things are not things I'm proud of. I hope this is just some kind of extended fluke. I hope I'm just paranoid. Because, being pro-ana doesn't mean you promote being anorexic. It means you chose to lose weight using anorexic tips, tricks, and certain mindsets. We don't wish it upon other people or encourage people to do it if they haven't already started. We just support those who do. Well, at least that's what it means to me.
So, that being said, I don't want a full blown ED exactly, but being pro-ana, I feel that taking on certain expectations is the best way for me to reach certain goals. So it's a little scary to be literally shaking and heart thumping and sweaty and dizzy all from the anxiety of weighing myself. It's definitely not normal to look at pictures of food because I'm not going to eat them anymore.
What I'm saying is, I don't really think I made it that obvious in my posts just how much distress this is causing me. I'm a little bit concerned, but I know if I asked for help, no one would believe I have a problem because I'm fat. I'm too fat to have a problem.
I don't really think I can just stop even if I tried right about now, and honestly, I like it this way. I don't worry about bingeing as much. My day centres around hiding and weighing and calories and exercise as oppose to when I spent every minute fighting the urge to run to the kitchen and eat until I could barely move.
I don't know what to feel.
~ Cleosparks
Feeling Damn Good
Before I get on with things, I just want to apologize for the really epic post a couple of hours ago. ;) It was super freaking long, but hey I'm passionate on the topic and I was pissed off and partially delusional from my lack of sleep. Still am. I didn't get a single minute of sleep and I usually get 6-8 hours so right now I feel... like shit.
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
A Sleep Deprived Rant
It's currently 5:00 am. I went to bed at fucking ten and have been twisting and turning on the bed for seven hours. I can't sleep! I've given up already.
So, why not tell you about my life as Cleosparks while I wait for an acceptable hour to get out of bed? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways.
My brother doesn't know about my pro-ana tendencies, but, as I've mentioned earlier, we're doing this workout plan together. So, last night, my sister brought home a shit load of granola bars (as I also mentioned in my last post) and made me eat one. And while we all had a bar, my Bro and I talked about eating habits and stuff. My mom wandered into the kitchen and asked the three of us what we were talking about and my sister immediately says, "oh they're on a DIET."
Um, excuse me bitch. Your Jenny Craig bullshit is a diet. What my brother and I are doing is called EATING HEALTHILY (but well, not me. I definitely don't eat healthily, but you know what I mean.)
So, my Bro and I quickly explained to my mom that, no in fact, we weren't on a diet, we were just making healthier choices.
So my mom leaves, and then my sister turns to us and tries to fucking educate us or something. Little does she know, I'm probably ten times more knowledgeable than her when it comes to nutrition and human anatomy, but I pretended to be dumb, because I'm not supposed to know all that.
So she tells us, "You know, if you want to be healthy, you guys should eat six to eight meals a day."
I of course, already knew that, but I pretended not to. So my brother and I were both like, "no way am I eating six meals a day." When you think about it, six meals is a lot for anyone.
But my sister went on to argue, "No, really! If you eat six to eight small meals a day and eat a variety of foods, you'll be healthier and feel better. That's how Jenny Craig works! When you eat that much you're metabolism speeds up and yada yada blah blah weight loss blah yada." Well she didn't exactly say that, but I tuned out at the end.
So, my brother and I are like ya whatever. We really just didn't care. Maybe we would have taken her seriously if she wasn't over 300 LBS!! Did I forget to mention that my sister is obese? Ya.
So skip ahead a few hours, and my family is chilling around the living room, and my sister says, "I threw up today at work." And then my parents took the role of parents and asked her a bunch of concerned bullshit like how she's was feeling and the usual stuff, then she goes on to say, "and the rice I'm heating in the microwave is the only thing I will have eaten today."
SHE IS SO FULL OF SO MUCH GODDAMN BULLSHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She was talking all that good shit a second ago about six meals a day and shit. And this bitch means to say she's eating one thing at 9 at night. She's so cut throat I swear! And she tries to fucking educate me on healthy eating and all that shit she pulls out of her ass. I mean she's always like "have you eaten" and shit, yet she threw up on an empty stomach and then went on to eat one thing that day. How much more of a hypocrite can she be?
So, anyway, I have a few theories about her story of throwing up.
1. She b/p'd at work and then lied about it saying she just threw up because she "wasn't feeling well." And because she felt guilty about b/p-ing, she only ate one thing when she got home.
2. She's resorting to starvation to try and lose weight faster even though she's already on a weightloss program. The thing is, she's losing weight slower than is expected because she's a lazy fuck. She NEVER works out and she'll make me walk upstairs to her bedroom to get her goddamn phone for her. And then she fucking complains about being fat. Well, maybe if she got off the damn sofa every once in a while, she'd slim down faster. Just a thought.
Now, the reasons I'm so sure that she either b/p'd or starved today and didn't just not feel well or very hungry is because of how she acted about it. She paraded around the fact that she threw up. She acted proud that she had only eaten one thing. It was so obvious to me that she was doing something intentionally (and who fucking gloats about their fucked up eating to their family? I don't. Because I'm a real pro-ana and this isn't just a game to me.), but my parents were pretty damn oblivious and thought she had truly caught a bug even though she showed absolutely no signs of feeling sick whatsoever.
It's so damn unfair, when I say I'm not hungry, everyone (save my brother) comes down on me about my eating habits and how much weight I've lost. When my sister says she's not hungry, no one bats a fucking eyelash. She skips meals and eats badly, but my parents just pretend nothing's going on because they're so glad their obese daughter is finally losing weight. Nevermind she eats almost as little as me.
What, so is it socially acceptable to starve yourself only if you're overweight. Are my parents more worried about me just because I weigh less than her. Why is she allowed to lose weight, but I'm not? You guys have seen my fucking GWs, my ugw isn't even underweight. Its fucking 18.5 BMI but they freak out when they see me getting a little slinkier. Yet they don't care that my sister wants to lose like 150+ lbs. I just want to lose 20. I don't care how much someone weighs, if their eating habits are the same as a troubled pro Ana teenager like myself, then they shouldn't be over looked. Fuck my parents. Fuck my sister. Thank God for my brother who is the only one I like in my family most days.
So, why not tell you about my life as Cleosparks while I wait for an acceptable hour to get out of bed? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways.
My brother doesn't know about my pro-ana tendencies, but, as I've mentioned earlier, we're doing this workout plan together. So, last night, my sister brought home a shit load of granola bars (as I also mentioned in my last post) and made me eat one. And while we all had a bar, my Bro and I talked about eating habits and stuff. My mom wandered into the kitchen and asked the three of us what we were talking about and my sister immediately says, "oh they're on a DIET."
Um, excuse me bitch. Your Jenny Craig bullshit is a diet. What my brother and I are doing is called EATING HEALTHILY (but well, not me. I definitely don't eat healthily, but you know what I mean.)
So, my Bro and I quickly explained to my mom that, no in fact, we weren't on a diet, we were just making healthier choices.
So my mom leaves, and then my sister turns to us and tries to fucking educate us or something. Little does she know, I'm probably ten times more knowledgeable than her when it comes to nutrition and human anatomy, but I pretended to be dumb, because I'm not supposed to know all that.
So she tells us, "You know, if you want to be healthy, you guys should eat six to eight meals a day."
I of course, already knew that, but I pretended not to. So my brother and I were both like, "no way am I eating six meals a day." When you think about it, six meals is a lot for anyone.
But my sister went on to argue, "No, really! If you eat six to eight small meals a day and eat a variety of foods, you'll be healthier and feel better. That's how Jenny Craig works! When you eat that much you're metabolism speeds up and yada yada blah blah weight loss blah yada." Well she didn't exactly say that, but I tuned out at the end.
So, my brother and I are like ya whatever. We really just didn't care. Maybe we would have taken her seriously if she wasn't over 300 LBS!! Did I forget to mention that my sister is obese? Ya.
So skip ahead a few hours, and my family is chilling around the living room, and my sister says, "I threw up today at work." And then my parents took the role of parents and asked her a bunch of concerned bullshit like how she's was feeling and the usual stuff, then she goes on to say, "and the rice I'm heating in the microwave is the only thing I will have eaten today."
SHE IS SO FULL OF SO MUCH GODDAMN BULLSHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She was talking all that good shit a second ago about six meals a day and shit. And this bitch means to say she's eating one thing at 9 at night. She's so cut throat I swear! And she tries to fucking educate me on healthy eating and all that shit she pulls out of her ass. I mean she's always like "have you eaten" and shit, yet she threw up on an empty stomach and then went on to eat one thing that day. How much more of a hypocrite can she be?
So, anyway, I have a few theories about her story of throwing up.
1. She b/p'd at work and then lied about it saying she just threw up because she "wasn't feeling well." And because she felt guilty about b/p-ing, she only ate one thing when she got home.
2. She's resorting to starvation to try and lose weight faster even though she's already on a weightloss program. The thing is, she's losing weight slower than is expected because she's a lazy fuck. She NEVER works out and she'll make me walk upstairs to her bedroom to get her goddamn phone for her. And then she fucking complains about being fat. Well, maybe if she got off the damn sofa every once in a while, she'd slim down faster. Just a thought.
Now, the reasons I'm so sure that she either b/p'd or starved today and didn't just not feel well or very hungry is because of how she acted about it. She paraded around the fact that she threw up. She acted proud that she had only eaten one thing. It was so obvious to me that she was doing something intentionally (and who fucking gloats about their fucked up eating to their family? I don't. Because I'm a real pro-ana and this isn't just a game to me.), but my parents were pretty damn oblivious and thought she had truly caught a bug even though she showed absolutely no signs of feeling sick whatsoever.
It's so damn unfair, when I say I'm not hungry, everyone (save my brother) comes down on me about my eating habits and how much weight I've lost. When my sister says she's not hungry, no one bats a fucking eyelash. She skips meals and eats badly, but my parents just pretend nothing's going on because they're so glad their obese daughter is finally losing weight. Nevermind she eats almost as little as me.
What, so is it socially acceptable to starve yourself only if you're overweight. Are my parents more worried about me just because I weigh less than her. Why is she allowed to lose weight, but I'm not? You guys have seen my fucking GWs, my ugw isn't even underweight. Its fucking 18.5 BMI but they freak out when they see me getting a little slinkier. Yet they don't care that my sister wants to lose like 150+ lbs. I just want to lose 20. I don't care how much someone weighs, if their eating habits are the same as a troubled pro Ana teenager like myself, then they shouldn't be over looked. Fuck my parents. Fuck my sister. Thank God for my brother who is the only one I like in my family most days.
Thursday 9 August 2012
Suspicious Sister
Alright, I had 499 calories today. Ya not as good as yesterday, but definitely good.
At about 6:30 I had 359 calories, and I was going to stop there, but one hour later (half an hour ago), my sister gives me a PC granola bar. 140 calories. Then she just watches me eat it. I was gonna take it up to my room then throw it out later, but she literally told me to eat it and wouldn't leave me alone. Yep. Definitely suspicious.
Hope fully I'll lose some weight tomorrow, my sister's staying home from work so it will be a little tricky to weigh and restrict and all that, but I'll manage.
Wish me luck! I'll need it!
~ Cleosparks
Considering Things...
This morning, I weighed myself (as usual) and almost burst into tears. Happy tears! 139.5 lbs! Holy crap! How the heck did I lose 1.5 lbs? I barely expected to lose half a pound. In fact, I would have been happy to just maintain as long as I didn't gain any more weight. But, hey, I'm not complaining. GW 2 finally reached! I'm under 140 lbs!
I decided a couple of posts ago to change my goal to 130 lbs by September 4th instead of 120. So that gives me about 26 days to lose 9.5 lbs. That doesn't sound too hard. If I lose that much by August 21st, then I'll consider lowering it back to 120 lbs. But I have to see how today goes before I make any final decisions. Yesterday could have just been a fluke for all I know.
Nevertheless, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
I decided a couple of posts ago to change my goal to 130 lbs by September 4th instead of 120. So that gives me about 26 days to lose 9.5 lbs. That doesn't sound too hard. If I lose that much by August 21st, then I'll consider lowering it back to 120 lbs. But I have to see how today goes before I make any final decisions. Yesterday could have just been a fluke for all I know.
Nevertheless, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
Wednesday 8 August 2012
A Very Good Day
Where I am, it's about 8:15 pm and... I feel pretty good. Today I had 359 calories. I know. Crazy. These last ten-ish days I've been doing 1000+ and just doing generally horrible. But, as you may have read in my last post, I popped back a couple of diet pills this morning, and for the whole day I just... didn't feel like eating. Huh. Who knew that stuff actually works.
So I had 169 for breakfast and 190 for dinner and I'll be heading off to bed after I workout with my brother, so yes, today went pretty swimmingly by my standards.
No way can I gain even more weight after such a successful day. If I do, I might just breakdown. No joke. I was sitting on the floor next to the scale this morning, in nothing but my underwear, staring into space for a good ten minutes wondering why I couldn't do anything right. I don't exactly want a repeat of that tomorrow.
In other news, check out mybodygallery.com for like amazing thinspiration. What I do is input my height and my ugw (120) and BAM! Tons of pictures of girls with those stats.
Today's pic is from my body gallery and she's 5'7 and 126. I could fucking look like that.
The Fuck is Going On Here?
Alright, yesterday. I did great. No better than great. I ate 1000 calories and burned off 400. Yes. Awesome. Yet I woke up this morning at 141 lbs. I gained half a freaking pound after all that work. What the heck! I don't understand why I gained again, I worked my butt off yesterday and yet there's still an ugly number on the scale. The fuck is going on here?
So, I'm thinking back to February days where I weighed a lot less and did a lot better and trying to figure out what it is I'm not doing. So, I started on with the diet pills today, and hopefully it will work, and today's goal is under 1000 again. Shit, I'm so upset, my body can't even lose weight properly.
I'm so fucked right now, I've only got 26 days left and I only lost one fucking pound in ten days. I don't even know anymore. Honestly.
Everything is just one failure after another, and I'm seriously considering making the goal 130 lbs by September fourth instead of 120. It's so much easier to not eat and be active during school, you're not at home all day in constant proximity to your impending doom AKA the kitchen. So, I'm thinking, try to lose ten pound before school, then lose the rest during school. Let's just hope I can even lose ten pounds.
I'm not exactly sure when a time qualifies for desperate, but I think it might just be time for some desperate measures. So, come monday, I might be starting some kind of ABC-esque diet, but plus 500 calories for each day. So on a fast day, I'd eat 500 instead. I don't know, I'll think about it. It miht help me finally get into the 130s again, but honestly I'm losing faith in myself and hope in humanity.
Wish me luck, awesome person who managed to stick through this jumbled mess of words.
~ Cleosparks
So, I'm thinking back to February days where I weighed a lot less and did a lot better and trying to figure out what it is I'm not doing. So, I started on with the diet pills today, and hopefully it will work, and today's goal is under 1000 again. Shit, I'm so upset, my body can't even lose weight properly.
I'm so fucked right now, I've only got 26 days left and I only lost one fucking pound in ten days. I don't even know anymore. Honestly.
Everything is just one failure after another, and I'm seriously considering making the goal 130 lbs by September fourth instead of 120. It's so much easier to not eat and be active during school, you're not at home all day in constant proximity to your impending doom AKA the kitchen. So, I'm thinking, try to lose ten pound before school, then lose the rest during school. Let's just hope I can even lose ten pounds.
I'm not exactly sure when a time qualifies for desperate, but I think it might just be time for some desperate measures. So, come monday, I might be starting some kind of ABC-esque diet, but plus 500 calories for each day. So on a fast day, I'd eat 500 instead. I don't know, I'll think about it. It miht help me finally get into the 130s again, but honestly I'm losing faith in myself and hope in humanity.
Wish me luck, awesome person who managed to stick through this jumbled mess of words.
~ Cleosparks
Tuesday 7 August 2012
August Challenge & Weight Gain
Ya, I'm doing this August Challenge thing which is basically just weekly weigh-ins to keep yourself on track... but I'm still weighing daily. ;) Join! Sounds like great motivation to me.
Anyway, I weighed myself today for the first time in... a while. 140.5 LBS When the hell did that happen? Yesterday, I did so good, I had 1150 calories and stayed under my goal, yet still gained .5 lbs since my last weigh-in. Oh my gosh, this is not happening. I was so upset that I kept getting off and on the scale murmuring, "that can't be right." But it was.
Since I did so well yesterday, I like to think that I just did so poorly over the weekend that I gained it all back, and I actually lost weight today instead of gaining half a pound. But how am I supposed to know for sure since if I didn't weigh myself over the weekend?
I'm restricting down to 1000 and under today and for a while I guess, in hopes that I will finally get back under 140 after so long. Do it for 139.
So, yes, today is already a bad one and I just woke up half an hour ago. Can anyone say FML? I'm sitting here eating my 40 calories breakfast in complete resignation, hoping for a better weight tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
~ Cleosparks.
Anyway, I weighed myself today for the first time in... a while. 140.5 LBS When the hell did that happen? Yesterday, I did so good, I had 1150 calories and stayed under my goal, yet still gained .5 lbs since my last weigh-in. Oh my gosh, this is not happening. I was so upset that I kept getting off and on the scale murmuring, "that can't be right." But it was.
Since I did so well yesterday, I like to think that I just did so poorly over the weekend that I gained it all back, and I actually lost weight today instead of gaining half a pound. But how am I supposed to know for sure since if I didn't weigh myself over the weekend?
I'm restricting down to 1000 and under today and for a while I guess, in hopes that I will finally get back under 140 after so long. Do it for 139.
So, yes, today is already a bad one and I just woke up half an hour ago. Can anyone say FML? I'm sitting here eating my 40 calories breakfast in complete resignation, hoping for a better weight tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
~ Cleosparks.
Monday 6 August 2012
A Different Angle
So, I haven't posted in a couple of days because I didn't want to keep coming on here with "I'm so bloated and Moody" or "ugh I ate a lot today" or even "oh my gosh I'm so sore from this weekend of vigorous volleyball." It just didn't seem necessary. I'm no longer on my period, but I can't weigh myself because there's some bullshit Canadian holiday today that I've never heard of, so everyone's staying home from work. All the stores are closed and everything.
On another note, I think I'm starting to view things from a very different angle. Of course I'll be resuming my restrictive diet, but I'll be trying to eat those calories in healthy foods instead of gross fattening ones. Also, since both indoor and beach volleyball seasons are now over for me, I've started a workout routine with my brother yesterday. It tones muscles in your core and legs. It's perfect for me. I don't know if I mentioned this, but my arms are slightly disproportionate to the rest of my body. They're skinnier. And so are my calves and feet. When I lose weight, they get even skinnier before the rest of my body catches up. As of Thursday morning, I lost only about two pounds and my arms are already getting bony while the rest of me reduces at a steadier rate.
So this workout that doesn't really use your arms is perfect for me, and I'll be doing it everyday! Yes!
On yet another note, today's calorie intake is under 1200.
Wish me luck.
~ cleosparks
Thursday 2 August 2012
Horrible Timing
Alright, so I was so nervous this morning to weigh myself. I was literally shaking as I lay in bed waiting for my mom to leave for work.
The second I heard the garage door slam, I hopped off the bed and ran straight for my parents room to see how much I had fucked up.
Turns out, I maintained. Ya I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I sort of hoped in my head that I somehow lost weight when, in reality, nothing has changed since yesterday morning.
I felt so horrible about it. Still do. But, to make up for it, I made sure to eat at my goal today. Today's goal was 1250 calories and I ate 1124. Success.
But I have some upsetting news. I got a visit from aunt Flow this evening. Fucking wonderful. It's a rule for me not to weigh myself during it, so I'm still standing by that. But I feel like a bloated mess already and I'm already cranky and upset. Could it have come at a worse time? Not only am I unable to weigh, but I also have a beach volleyball tournament this weekend, and I'd really rather not be dealing with that right now. Ugh. Hopefully it ends soon.
But, anyway, tomorrow's goal intake is under 1200.
Wish me luck
~ Cleosparks
Wednesday 1 August 2012
Shit.
Yep the title pretty much sums it up. I did bad. Like really bad... but I didn't binge.
Let me explain. So at 990 calories I explained how close to bingeing I was. On the brink. But I stabilized myself with a yoghurt and a couple of crackers. That put me up to 1145 calories. And then I thought to myself, "alright only about five hours until it's a reasonable enough time to go to bed, I'm done eating for the day."
Yay. Wonderful. That's all well and good, but then my mom came home. Holy fucking shit. Alright, so she made a big greasy BBQ dinner because I mean WHY NOT? And usually on a day that I don't care what I eat, I'll probably eat three greasy sausages and maybe four slightly healthier kabobs. NO EXAGGERATION. I know right? That's a shit load of calories. But today I told my mom I wasn't very hungry, hoping she would let me slide off dinner.
And then she gave me the look. The signature look. Anybody who's gotten caught doing something Ana related or just slipped too much and now their parents are suspicious has received this look. You know what I'm talking about. And since my parents actually caught me writing this blog and read it, imagine how suspicious they are of me, even months later. So, I quickly sat down on the dinner table before she started asking questions.
I ate.
Three kabobs. And a bit of BBQ sauce.
I felt so bad about it that I actually dug through the trash and pulled out the soggy wrapper to see how many calories were in it. I feel disgusting.
My total intake is 1495 calories. Oh. My. God.
That's horrific. I'm so ashamed. A whole 245 calories over.
I want to blame my mom. But I know deep down that I could have tried harder. I should have. I didn't.
So I'll just pray that I lost weight. If I gained then the intake for tomorrow will be 1050. If I (miraculously) lost, then the intake will be 1300. If I maintained, the intake will be 1250 again.
Tears and anger,
~ Cleosparks
Distracting Myself
I woke up this morning to a refreshing one pound weightloss. Lovely. So, I explained in my last post that if I weighed 140 pounds this morning, then I would make the goal to stay under 1250 calories. So, that's what I did.
It's 3:28 pm right now (at least where I am) and I've already eaten 990 calories. I'm so close to bingeing right now, but I promised myself I wouldn't fuck up like I always do every fucking time. So right now I'm doing every thing I can to wait out the rest of the day with the amount of calories I gave myself. Basically, I'm writing this post right now just to update and to waste more time. When I'm done writing, I'm going to read Wintergirls (oh my God, I just bought it and it so perfectly depicts an anorexic so far), then when I get bored with Wintergirls, I'm going to find and read as many Pro-ana blogs as possible. Haha, what is my life right now? Everything I just said has some sort of relation to anorexia.
I can do this! I will do this.
It's 3:28 pm right now (at least where I am) and I've already eaten 990 calories. I'm so close to bingeing right now, but I promised myself I wouldn't fuck up like I always do every fucking time. So right now I'm doing every thing I can to wait out the rest of the day with the amount of calories I gave myself. Basically, I'm writing this post right now just to update and to waste more time. When I'm done writing, I'm going to read Wintergirls (oh my God, I just bought it and it so perfectly depicts an anorexic so far), then when I get bored with Wintergirls, I'm going to find and read as many Pro-ana blogs as possible. Haha, what is my life right now? Everything I just said has some sort of relation to anorexia.
I can do this! I will do this.
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