Alright so update: Monday was successful. I had 634/671 calories. I weighed myself on Tuesday and was 134.5 calories. Yesterday was also good, 667/671 calories. I weighed myself this morning and I now weigh 134 lbs.
So, today is 471 calories and I'm feeling pretty damn confident. Down two pounds in two days and I'm going to keep pushing. I'll admit, yesterday was harder than Monday, Probably because I ate most of my calories at breakfast, so I didn't really have much room for error during the rest of the day.
I haven't worked out in like three days, so I feel like a slug, maybe I'll do some cardio today. So, yeah, that is all I guess.
Things are looking bright. Sorry for the inconsistent posting by the way. Updating from my phone is becoming extremely difficult.
Wish me luck!
~Cleosparks
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Monday 20 August 2012
Three... Days
Three days. Three. Days. I didn't even know it was physically possible to binge for that long nonstop with no breaks. Well, I did it. I look freaking pregnant. So backed up, it's not even funny. Seriously, imagine a binge bloat and then multiply it by three... It literally looks like my stomach is a seperate being from the rest of me.
I gained two pounds. 136. Why do I even do this to myself? I know how much I'll hate myself, but I still go and binge anyway. Fucking stupid. The last thing I wanted to do this morning was weigh myself, I just wanted to start this altered ABC diet and hopefully not be this bloated tomorrow. But then I remembered it was Piggy's Challenge weigh-in day so... I hopped on the scale. Instantly regretted it.
But to make myselfnot feel suicidal feel better, I focussed all my thoughts on the ABC today. I can fix this. I just have to have under 671 calories today. I can fix this...
Well, I've got nothing left to say other than I literally feel sick when I look in the mirror.. but what else is new?
~ Cleosparks
*edit* Oh, I also grew half an inch. 5'8" (Mental Happy Dance.) Maybe I still have a change at being in the olympics!
I gained two pounds. 136. Why do I even do this to myself? I know how much I'll hate myself, but I still go and binge anyway. Fucking stupid. The last thing I wanted to do this morning was weigh myself, I just wanted to start this altered ABC diet and hopefully not be this bloated tomorrow. But then I remembered it was Piggy's Challenge weigh-in day so... I hopped on the scale. Instantly regretted it.
But to make myself
Well, I've got nothing left to say other than I literally feel sick when I look in the mirror.. but what else is new?
~ Cleosparks
*edit* Oh, I also grew half an inch. 5'8" (Mental Happy Dance.) Maybe I still have a change at being in the olympics!
Friday 17 August 2012
Plateau
I hit a plateau (as the title so obviously implies). Well, technically, I've only been 134 for two days, but being one weight for more than one day for me, is considered a plateau.
You know how I get when something goes wrong, I panick and research it and figure out ways to fix it. And that's what I did.
On a site I found (can't remember which one), it suggested varying intakes. For example, I tend to try for 500 calories or lower each day. That adds up to a total of 3500 calories in one week. So the theory is, I should change up my intake daily in a way that when you add up all the intakes over seven days and divide by seven, it will still average out to five hundred.
So, I want to put that to the test... Using the ABC diet as a base. Here's what I did:
I started off by adding all the calories for the first seven days of the ABC diet together and dividing that number by seven. This gave me an average daily intake for those seven days. Then, I subtracted that average from 500 (the average I want). The number it gave me is the difference between my average (500) and the average for week 1 of ABC. Next, I added taht number seperately to all of the first seven days of ABC. Now I have the intake I need every day for seven days at an average of 500 daily while still varying my intake the same way the ABC diet does.
I basically just repeated the process for the second week and third week etc. Does that explanation make sense? No? Haha, don't worry I did all the math so no one else has to. ;)
Here's my personalized ABC diet after making the changes:
1. 671
2. 671
3. 471
4. 571
5. 271
6. 371
7.471
8.614
9. 714
10. 214
11. 364
12. 414
13. 614
14. 564
15. 600
16. 550
17. 350
18. 550
19. 450
20. 350
21. 650
22. 600
23. 550
24. 500
25. 450
26. 400
27. 450
28. 550
29. 378
30. 478
31. 978
32. 178
33. 428
34. 528
35. 628
36. 178
37. 678
38. 628
39. 578
40. 528
41. 478
42. 428
43. 415
44. 415
45. 465
46. 415
47. 515
48. 415
49. 365
50. FAST
So, basically all I did was alter the ABC diet so that the average daily intake is 500 calories instead.
Don't believe me? Take the first seven intakes of the original ABC diet, add 171 to each intake. Then add all seven of the new intakes together and divide that number by 7. It should equal about 500 (give or take one or two calories).
Yep, so I'm starting that on Monday. Until then I'll try and will myself into not plateauing anymore... Fun.
Wish me luck :)
~ Cleosparks
You know how I get when something goes wrong, I panick and research it and figure out ways to fix it. And that's what I did.
On a site I found (can't remember which one), it suggested varying intakes. For example, I tend to try for 500 calories or lower each day. That adds up to a total of 3500 calories in one week. So the theory is, I should change up my intake daily in a way that when you add up all the intakes over seven days and divide by seven, it will still average out to five hundred.
So, I want to put that to the test... Using the ABC diet as a base. Here's what I did:
I started off by adding all the calories for the first seven days of the ABC diet together and dividing that number by seven. This gave me an average daily intake for those seven days. Then, I subtracted that average from 500 (the average I want). The number it gave me is the difference between my average (500) and the average for week 1 of ABC. Next, I added taht number seperately to all of the first seven days of ABC. Now I have the intake I need every day for seven days at an average of 500 daily while still varying my intake the same way the ABC diet does.
I basically just repeated the process for the second week and third week etc. Does that explanation make sense? No? Haha, don't worry I did all the math so no one else has to. ;)
Here's my personalized ABC diet after making the changes:
1. 671
2. 671
3. 471
4. 571
5. 271
6. 371
7.471
8.614
9. 714
10. 214
11. 364
12. 414
13. 614
14. 564
15. 600
16. 550
17. 350
18. 550
19. 450
20. 350
21. 650
22. 600
23. 550
24. 500
25. 450
26. 400
27. 450
28. 550
29. 378
30. 478
31. 978
32. 178
33. 428
34. 528
35. 628
36. 178
37. 678
38. 628
39. 578
40. 528
41. 478
42. 428
43. 415
44. 415
45. 465
46. 415
47. 515
48. 415
49. 365
50. FAST
So, basically all I did was alter the ABC diet so that the average daily intake is 500 calories instead.
Don't believe me? Take the first seven intakes of the original ABC diet, add 171 to each intake. Then add all seven of the new intakes together and divide that number by 7. It should equal about 500 (give or take one or two calories).
Yep, so I'm starting that on Monday. Until then I'll try and will myself into not plateauing anymore... Fun.
Wish me luck :)
~ Cleosparks
Thursday 16 August 2012
Wednesday 15 August 2012
Binging Tip!
Okay, so after yesterday, I got really scared about the binge, so I looked up what to do after words and found this. In the comment section, I found this comment:
"I also find this method really helpful when ABOUT to binge. If you wanna skip the little intro go ahead to the ****
So you know that moment before the binge? There's always that moment where you THINK about the food, and what it would be like to have it, then there's another moment where you decide to give in, and you become very excited at the idea of delving into all that food - excited, almost anxious.
(Telling you guys... WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN! those are the feelings I feel when about to binge).
And then I sort of devour the food, and look for the next available source... and eat and eat and slowly the pleasure starts to wear away after you've tasted all that food. You start to think, now that I've had FOOD A and FOOD B... and c and d... what ever, what's the next step? You already feel guilty for indulging. So you repeat - and eat more A and B and C.. at least thats what I do. Until I'm so full I feel sick!
****
So here's something I find really helpful when I feel about to just give in and eat everything in sight. First off, I do a bit of acting here and there, so believing and imagining is part of my every day life. This really helps me when it comes to my little enemy... the binge. So... I sit down and ENVISION myself eating all that food. Really try to imagine it, the first few bites, then this, then that, then eating more. The smooth texture of food melting in your mouth. The cheesy garlic bread, the crispy potato chips, the sweet, creamy (or doughy) ice cream, the cakey brownie, the soft frosting, the chewy or crunchy cookies melting....
Its awesome, right?? You're eating (without excess calories) IN YOUR MIND! But wait that's not it. Sure, its awesome. By this time, you've had the bread, the cookie, the crisps, the fries, the ice cream, the cake, what ever... Now what? I mean you just blew your diet. You JUST ATE 2000+ CALORIES in one sitting! GUILT settles in. Solution? EAT MORE. Before, you may have just been bored or hungry but now, its turned into emotional binge eating. See how it cycles? So you become angry - sad - you keep eating until you are sick - your all bloated and you feel your temperature up, your heart pulsing faster and faster as it tries to metabolise the colossal amount of calories you just ate (carbs, fats, whatever). You know your going to be crying over this for days, and working your little butt off in the gym for the next week. Now STOP.
Come back to reality. You're sitting on the couch, ready to grab that donut or bread and scarf the damn thing down. But stop, because you have just, succesfully, ENVISIONED a binge - not JUST the tastes of food, but the EMOTIONS. The positives and negatives. Now..... Look at yourself. PRE binge. After all that in your mind... aren't you glad you didn't do it in real life? You sure you still wanna binge and feel those negative emotions for the next..oh... week or so?"
Um... What the hell!? This is amazing! I'm just going to read this every time I want to binge or give up. Put the basic principle of the exercise into everything I do. Fucking genius.
Anyway, this morning I weighed myself. 133 lbs. Half a pound lost :) I'm just happy I didn't gain. No more binging for me. Not for a while.
Also, since I lost weight, I saw no reason to do the liquid fast as that's a way to lose more weight faster after a pretty powerful binge.
Since I'm a crazy nut, I researched basically everything that has to do with binging and how to lessen the effects and how to prevent it... etc. And I learned a lot about water retention and how it affects you. The fact that I haven't been drinking very much water is to blame for passing out and cutting my elbow, the fact that I have yet to drop a duke (four days and counting people -_-), my stomach looks all bloated and gross all the time, and my slowing pace in weightloss.
Moral of the story: drink water. And lots of it.
Today's goal is (surprise, surprise) under 500 calories.
Wish me luck
~ Cleosparks
"I also find this method really helpful when ABOUT to binge. If you wanna skip the little intro go ahead to the ****
So you know that moment before the binge? There's always that moment where you THINK about the food, and what it would be like to have it, then there's another moment where you decide to give in, and you become very excited at the idea of delving into all that food - excited, almost anxious.
(Telling you guys... WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN! those are the feelings I feel when about to binge).
And then I sort of devour the food, and look for the next available source... and eat and eat and slowly the pleasure starts to wear away after you've tasted all that food. You start to think, now that I've had FOOD A and FOOD B... and c and d... what ever, what's the next step? You already feel guilty for indulging. So you repeat - and eat more A and B and C.. at least thats what I do. Until I'm so full I feel sick!
****
So here's something I find really helpful when I feel about to just give in and eat everything in sight. First off, I do a bit of acting here and there, so believing and imagining is part of my every day life. This really helps me when it comes to my little enemy... the binge. So... I sit down and ENVISION myself eating all that food. Really try to imagine it, the first few bites, then this, then that, then eating more. The smooth texture of food melting in your mouth. The cheesy garlic bread, the crispy potato chips, the sweet, creamy (or doughy) ice cream, the cakey brownie, the soft frosting, the chewy or crunchy cookies melting....
Its awesome, right?? You're eating (without excess calories) IN YOUR MIND! But wait that's not it. Sure, its awesome. By this time, you've had the bread, the cookie, the crisps, the fries, the ice cream, the cake, what ever... Now what? I mean you just blew your diet. You JUST ATE 2000+ CALORIES in one sitting! GUILT settles in. Solution? EAT MORE. Before, you may have just been bored or hungry but now, its turned into emotional binge eating. See how it cycles? So you become angry - sad - you keep eating until you are sick - your all bloated and you feel your temperature up, your heart pulsing faster and faster as it tries to metabolise the colossal amount of calories you just ate (carbs, fats, whatever). You know your going to be crying over this for days, and working your little butt off in the gym for the next week. Now STOP.
Come back to reality. You're sitting on the couch, ready to grab that donut or bread and scarf the damn thing down. But stop, because you have just, succesfully, ENVISIONED a binge - not JUST the tastes of food, but the EMOTIONS. The positives and negatives. Now..... Look at yourself. PRE binge. After all that in your mind... aren't you glad you didn't do it in real life? You sure you still wanna binge and feel those negative emotions for the next..oh... week or so?"
Um... What the hell!? This is amazing! I'm just going to read this every time I want to binge or give up. Put the basic principle of the exercise into everything I do. Fucking genius.
Anyway, this morning I weighed myself. 133 lbs. Half a pound lost :) I'm just happy I didn't gain. No more binging for me. Not for a while.
Also, since I lost weight, I saw no reason to do the liquid fast as that's a way to lose more weight faster after a pretty powerful binge.
Since I'm a crazy nut, I researched basically everything that has to do with binging and how to lessen the effects and how to prevent it... etc. And I learned a lot about water retention and how it affects you. The fact that I haven't been drinking very much water is to blame for passing out and cutting my elbow, the fact that I have yet to drop a duke (four days and counting people -_-), my stomach looks all bloated and gross all the time, and my slowing pace in weightloss.
Moral of the story: drink water. And lots of it.
Today's goal is (surprise, surprise) under 500 calories.
Wish me luck
~ Cleosparks
Tuesday 14 August 2012
My First Binge In... A While
I just had my first binge in a really long time. 410 calories. That heightens today's intake to 910. Gross. Very upset right now and I feel sick. But, not sick to throw up of course. Ugh, I actually very ill from all that food. I know I'm going to gain weight tomorrow. I just know it. I think I might cry. Right now I`m praying to maintain. Maintenance is all I ask right now.
Ew, how did this even happen? I was doing so well for like eight pounds and just decide to stuff my face all of a sudden. How did I manage to even eat that much in like thirty minutes anyway? This means I have to work like super hard tomorrow. This is just freaking wonderful. I hate binges. They fucking suck. God, I feel so fat right now.
It's so windy and rainy outside, and honestly, it perfectly depicts my mood. I hate basically everything right now. I don't know why I did that. I honestly don't. I wasn't even that hungry. Well, at least it wasn't up to 1000 calories. Then I would be fucked.
I really need to work harder if I want to lose weight. I' assuing I'll be about 135 lbs tomorrow. That leaves me 21 days to lose 15 lbs if I want to be 120 by September fourth. I have to work really hard.
Maybe I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow to reduce my stomach a bit and lessen water retention. Actually, that's a good idea. I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow while still sticking to 500 calorie goal, then I'll resume my regular restriction.
Wish me luck.
~ cleosparks
Ew, how did this even happen? I was doing so well for like eight pounds and just decide to stuff my face all of a sudden. How did I manage to even eat that much in like thirty minutes anyway? This means I have to work like super hard tomorrow. This is just freaking wonderful. I hate binges. They fucking suck. God, I feel so fat right now.
It's so windy and rainy outside, and honestly, it perfectly depicts my mood. I hate basically everything right now. I don't know why I did that. I honestly don't. I wasn't even that hungry. Well, at least it wasn't up to 1000 calories. Then I would be fucked.
I really need to work harder if I want to lose weight. I' assuing I'll be about 135 lbs tomorrow. That leaves me 21 days to lose 15 lbs if I want to be 120 by September fourth. I have to work really hard.
Maybe I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow to reduce my stomach a bit and lessen water retention. Actually, that's a good idea. I'll do a liquid fast tomorrow while still sticking to 500 calorie goal, then I'll resume my regular restriction.
Wish me luck.
~ cleosparks
My Arm Hurts :(
To start off with, due to a bit of *ahem* miscalculation and confusion, I accidentally went over yesterday's planned intake of 500. I had 600 to 800. My lesson learned: I need to pay more attention to what measuring cups I use... fail.
Moving on, I mentioned in my last post some experimentation with cleansing tea. I REGRET IT. Not only did the tea not work (I have yet to drop a duke for three days now), but mixed with the diet pill, the pain was not a pleasant experience. It wasn't even the sharp pain you get from too many laxatives, it was this nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me feel horrible. And it lasted ALL DAY. Never. Again.
Wow, that's two failures in one day. New record.
Also, I got out of bed too fast this morning and fainted. That's not so bad, I've fainted plenty of times. But, the worst part is, on my way down I banged the area over my left elbow against the dresser. Now I have a gash in my arm that's excruciatingly painful. Thanks a lot dehydration.
Well, ahem, I weighed myself this morning after I stopped rolling around on the floor in agony and... 133.5 lbs! Yay! One good thing that's happened today!
Oh, you know, I never mentioned it before, but about a week ago, when my mom arrived home from work, I fainted when I got up to say hello and banged my forehead against the wooden railing of my staircase. She didn't even notice. -.-
So, I'm gonna go drink some water now before I faint again, hopefully the rest of the day will go smoothly. 500 calorie goal as always.
Wish me luck.
~ Cleosparks
Monday 13 August 2012
Piggy's Challenge Weigh-in?
Hey, there! It's 9:20 am where I'm at and I do believe it is time for the Piggy's Challenge weigh-in. I'm not exactly sure how this is supposed to work, whether we're supposed to put it on our individual blogs or post an update on her blog...
I think I'll check her blog out for more details when I'm done here.
Anyway, I weighed myself a couple of minutes ago and I weighed 134.5 lbs! Yay! I look pretty round in the tummy area though since it's been two days since I had a bowel movement (TMI? Haha), I probably will weigh less when I get around to that.
Nevertheless, I'm very pleased that I'm back under my start weight and I've lost six pounds since the initial weigh-in for the challenge. Very exiting!
Today's goal is under 500 as it was for last week because I see no sense in changing a winning formula... When it stops working, I'll lower it again.
No one's home but my brother and I, so yay for diet pills! And I also found some cleansing tea this morning which is a healthy (well, healthiER) alternative to the laxatives I was basically addicted to before. I'll try that out with my diet pills together and see what happens. I just hope I don't regret it...
Anyway, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
Sunday 12 August 2012
Late Post
I just read my last post and I'm just sitting here like, "when the fuck did I write that?"
Anyway, let me start this with yesterday:
The day of the party. That afternoon was the first time I ate as I managed to lie some bullshit about having already eaten some breakfast even though I obviously didn't. Even then, lunch was an overestimated total of 350 calories. I know! Why the fuck is there so much in just one meal?
Nevertheless, after that meal, I weighed myself and I was down to 136 lbs! I was jumping around in circles and singing loudly because there was no one in the house to hear my rejoice.
Then came the party which started around 7:00 pm. These weird crunchy miniature breadstick looking snacks were placed on each table before the food was brought out, but I didn't eat any because I knew they were just empty calories. When the food was brought out, I ate a couple bites before handing my plate to the waiter, an overestimated intake of about another 200.
At 1:00 am today (that I count as yesterday since it was still at the party), cake was served and I had another couple of bites, another estimated intake of 250 calories.
After all that overestimation, it still couldn't have been more than 800. So, I was pleased yet distressed about how much weight I must have gained.
That being said, I weighed myself when I woke up today, about 1:00 pm (it's about 10:50 pm right now by the way), and I weighed 135 lbs. How? How is that even possible? I can't even...
This weight is just so... I didn't think... I don't even know. Coincidentally, if you didn't notice, my LW and my HW are a twently pound difference. So, halfway between is 136 lbs. Not that it means anything, but I'm now on the LW half of the twenty pound range.
Anyway, I had an overestimated intake of 500 calories today. Not very good, but my family was home again today. Tomorrow, however, is a whole different story. I'm going to resume taking diet pills again (I was unable to take any with my family buzzing around all weekend), and hopefully I'll drop even faster... hopefully.
I'm so excited to update my stats because I reached a couple of goals today :)
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
~ Cleosparks
...
2:20 am. The party ended an hour ago. I helped clean up for another hour. Too tired to even write about today (yesterday?). Too tired to fall asleep. I finally get that song by Owl City. I like volleyball. Chris Hemsworth is hot. Team Jacob. I'm still fat.
Saturday 11 August 2012
Anxiety
Today's going to be hard. Not because of fear of binging (I don't really get that urge any more), but because everyone is home. I don't know if I mentioned it already, but my sister and parents work only on weekdays. Not only did I not get the chance to weigh myself today (the only accurate scale in the house is in my parents' room), but I know my parents will make me eat.
First off, I'm suffering from some extreme anxiety right about now because I have know idea how much I weigh. I probably lost, but I feel fat. So, what if, in the off chance that I didn't lose, I somehow magically gained 3.5 lbs and went back to 142? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW! This can't be good for my mental health.
Also, I mentioned in my last post (more like ranted) that my dad's fancy party is tonight. We rented a hall, got waiters and everything. I just know that we'll be expected to eat there.
In the perfect world, I would just not eat until the event to prevent as much weight gain as possible and maybe possibly look like less of a cow in the dress. But, as I mentioned, everyone is home today and I can already here my mom cooking breakfast. Dammit. Why does everyone feel the need to eat all the time?
Well, I'm going to fast as much as is possible with my entire family at home, and hopefully on monday (the next chance I'll have to weigh myself), I'll at least have maintained. Hopefully. I'm like fucking praying right now that I don't weigh myself and see 139, or worse yet, 140+
Oh my God, ya I'm gonna stop thinking like that because it is causing deep emotional distress. My hand is literally shaking... I don't know how to deal with life right now. It totally sucks ass.
~ Cleosparks
First off, I'm suffering from some extreme anxiety right about now because I have know idea how much I weigh. I probably lost, but I feel fat. So, what if, in the off chance that I didn't lose, I somehow magically gained 3.5 lbs and went back to 142? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW! This can't be good for my mental health.
Also, I mentioned in my last post (more like ranted) that my dad's fancy party is tonight. We rented a hall, got waiters and everything. I just know that we'll be expected to eat there.
In the perfect world, I would just not eat until the event to prevent as much weight gain as possible and maybe possibly look like less of a cow in the dress. But, as I mentioned, everyone is home today and I can already here my mom cooking breakfast. Dammit. Why does everyone feel the need to eat all the time?
Well, I'm going to fast as much as is possible with my entire family at home, and hopefully on monday (the next chance I'll have to weigh myself), I'll at least have maintained. Hopefully. I'm like fucking praying right now that I don't weigh myself and see 139, or worse yet, 140+
Oh my God, ya I'm gonna stop thinking like that because it is causing deep emotional distress. My hand is literally shaking... I don't know how to deal with life right now. It totally sucks ass.
~ Cleosparks
Friday 10 August 2012
Fat Cow Time!
I just feel like the biggest cow in the universe. I ate 439 today, but I just feel so fat. All I see is fat.
So tomorrow is my dad's birthday party and we're going to a fancy hall because my dad is really up there in his business. It's all fancy dress-up.
So of course, my sister and my mom took me out to get a dress. All though, I'd much rather where the sweats and T-shirt I've been wearing since like Sunday. Speaking of sweats, today I wore a pair of jeans and a top that I haven't worn in like two weeks, and they actually fit well. Don't get me wrong, I looked disgusting like I look in everything, but I didn't look like I was about to bust out of my jeans like the last time I wore them.
So anyway, we went to winners because they actually surprisingly have really amazing clothes (shocker!) And my sister and mom picked out like ten dresses for me to try on. They say I look so good in dresses but I don't wear them because I know I look even more like a cow than usual. Because of the event, they chose a couple from the "junior trendsetters" section and a couple from the regular adults section. So I'm a small in adults and a medium in JT.
Well, I sort of find that hard to believe. I feel so fat, how could I ever be a small in anything?
Well the dress they picked goes down to around mid-thigh and it's simple but cute and perfect for the event. It's so adorable... just not on me. I feel like a fat cow in it. But then again I feel like a fat cow in everything.
Pic of dress and the jewelry I'm wearing with it down below.
Also, I have no idea how I'll be weighing tomorrow or even restrict what with the family and everything, but I'll find a way somehow...
Random Irrelevance
I've had 289 calories so far today. It's about 3:00. I'm not going to eat until I'm sure my mom's not making some kind of dinner. A lot of times in the past couple days, I'll reach my calorie limit and think, "Well, I'm done." And then my sister feeds me a granola bar. Ya I really don't wanna go over 500. It's kinda scary. Ugh, I feel so bleh right now. I hate my tummy! It's so fat, and my thighs, and my hips, and my face.... The only thing I like is my arms, as I've said in the past, they're skinny and when I lose weight, I lose it in my arms first, then the rest of me.
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
Mixed Feelings
OK So, I think something... odd has happened. Maybe I was reading a blog or maybe it was a picture or a comment or a million different things. But I think I got triggered. Like the real kind. The kind that makes a girl go from kind of ED to EDNOS.
I'm starting to realize that my behaviour is no longer that of a wannarexic or those stupid girls who actually lie on their blogs about success and losing weight even though they haven't. Those are worse by far in my opinion.
But anyway, I've just been going over my behaviour lately. I mean, I take diet pills (I took six yesterday), I really truly have started to hate my body and myself, I exercise heavily working on different body parts each day for four days out of every five, I'm paranoid. Like seriously.. Just twenty minutes ago, I took a two pound weight from the at home gym in my basement and weighed it to make sure the scale wasn't lying about my weight. I almost burst into tears of joy when I saw that my scale was acurate and not bullshitting me. I tried to stand just now and I had to sit back down because I was scared I was going to pass out again. And I'm starting to realize that this is taking much less effort than it used to. I don't succumb to my cravings anymore. Ever. I actually barely ever get them. Not as bad anyway.
But, don't take it the wrong way. Those things are not things I'm proud of. I hope this is just some kind of extended fluke. I hope I'm just paranoid. Because, being pro-ana doesn't mean you promote being anorexic. It means you chose to lose weight using anorexic tips, tricks, and certain mindsets. We don't wish it upon other people or encourage people to do it if they haven't already started. We just support those who do. Well, at least that's what it means to me.
So, that being said, I don't want a full blown ED exactly, but being pro-ana, I feel that taking on certain expectations is the best way for me to reach certain goals. So it's a little scary to be literally shaking and heart thumping and sweaty and dizzy all from the anxiety of weighing myself. It's definitely not normal to look at pictures of food because I'm not going to eat them anymore.
What I'm saying is, I don't really think I made it that obvious in my posts just how much distress this is causing me. I'm a little bit concerned, but I know if I asked for help, no one would believe I have a problem because I'm fat. I'm too fat to have a problem.
I don't really think I can just stop even if I tried right about now, and honestly, I like it this way. I don't worry about bingeing as much. My day centres around hiding and weighing and calories and exercise as oppose to when I spent every minute fighting the urge to run to the kitchen and eat until I could barely move.
I don't know what to feel.
~ Cleosparks
I'm starting to realize that my behaviour is no longer that of a wannarexic or those stupid girls who actually lie on their blogs about success and losing weight even though they haven't. Those are worse by far in my opinion.
But anyway, I've just been going over my behaviour lately. I mean, I take diet pills (I took six yesterday), I really truly have started to hate my body and myself, I exercise heavily working on different body parts each day for four days out of every five, I'm paranoid. Like seriously.. Just twenty minutes ago, I took a two pound weight from the at home gym in my basement and weighed it to make sure the scale wasn't lying about my weight. I almost burst into tears of joy when I saw that my scale was acurate and not bullshitting me. I tried to stand just now and I had to sit back down because I was scared I was going to pass out again. And I'm starting to realize that this is taking much less effort than it used to. I don't succumb to my cravings anymore. Ever. I actually barely ever get them. Not as bad anyway.
But, don't take it the wrong way. Those things are not things I'm proud of. I hope this is just some kind of extended fluke. I hope I'm just paranoid. Because, being pro-ana doesn't mean you promote being anorexic. It means you chose to lose weight using anorexic tips, tricks, and certain mindsets. We don't wish it upon other people or encourage people to do it if they haven't already started. We just support those who do. Well, at least that's what it means to me.
So, that being said, I don't want a full blown ED exactly, but being pro-ana, I feel that taking on certain expectations is the best way for me to reach certain goals. So it's a little scary to be literally shaking and heart thumping and sweaty and dizzy all from the anxiety of weighing myself. It's definitely not normal to look at pictures of food because I'm not going to eat them anymore.
What I'm saying is, I don't really think I made it that obvious in my posts just how much distress this is causing me. I'm a little bit concerned, but I know if I asked for help, no one would believe I have a problem because I'm fat. I'm too fat to have a problem.
I don't really think I can just stop even if I tried right about now, and honestly, I like it this way. I don't worry about bingeing as much. My day centres around hiding and weighing and calories and exercise as oppose to when I spent every minute fighting the urge to run to the kitchen and eat until I could barely move.
I don't know what to feel.
~ Cleosparks
Feeling Damn Good
Before I get on with things, I just want to apologize for the really epic post a couple of hours ago. ;) It was super freaking long, but hey I'm passionate on the topic and I was pissed off and partially delusional from my lack of sleep. Still am. I didn't get a single minute of sleep and I usually get 6-8 hours so right now I feel... like shit.
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
A Sleep Deprived Rant
It's currently 5:00 am. I went to bed at fucking ten and have been twisting and turning on the bed for seven hours. I can't sleep! I've given up already.
So, why not tell you about my life as Cleosparks while I wait for an acceptable hour to get out of bed? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways.
My brother doesn't know about my pro-ana tendencies, but, as I've mentioned earlier, we're doing this workout plan together. So, last night, my sister brought home a shit load of granola bars (as I also mentioned in my last post) and made me eat one. And while we all had a bar, my Bro and I talked about eating habits and stuff. My mom wandered into the kitchen and asked the three of us what we were talking about and my sister immediately says, "oh they're on a DIET."
Um, excuse me bitch. Your Jenny Craig bullshit is a diet. What my brother and I are doing is called EATING HEALTHILY (but well, not me. I definitely don't eat healthily, but you know what I mean.)
So, my Bro and I quickly explained to my mom that, no in fact, we weren't on a diet, we were just making healthier choices.
So my mom leaves, and then my sister turns to us and tries to fucking educate us or something. Little does she know, I'm probably ten times more knowledgeable than her when it comes to nutrition and human anatomy, but I pretended to be dumb, because I'm not supposed to know all that.
So she tells us, "You know, if you want to be healthy, you guys should eat six to eight meals a day."
I of course, already knew that, but I pretended not to. So my brother and I were both like, "no way am I eating six meals a day." When you think about it, six meals is a lot for anyone.
But my sister went on to argue, "No, really! If you eat six to eight small meals a day and eat a variety of foods, you'll be healthier and feel better. That's how Jenny Craig works! When you eat that much you're metabolism speeds up and yada yada blah blah weight loss blah yada." Well she didn't exactly say that, but I tuned out at the end.
So, my brother and I are like ya whatever. We really just didn't care. Maybe we would have taken her seriously if she wasn't over 300 LBS!! Did I forget to mention that my sister is obese? Ya.
So skip ahead a few hours, and my family is chilling around the living room, and my sister says, "I threw up today at work." And then my parents took the role of parents and asked her a bunch of concerned bullshit like how she's was feeling and the usual stuff, then she goes on to say, "and the rice I'm heating in the microwave is the only thing I will have eaten today."
SHE IS SO FULL OF SO MUCH GODDAMN BULLSHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She was talking all that good shit a second ago about six meals a day and shit. And this bitch means to say she's eating one thing at 9 at night. She's so cut throat I swear! And she tries to fucking educate me on healthy eating and all that shit she pulls out of her ass. I mean she's always like "have you eaten" and shit, yet she threw up on an empty stomach and then went on to eat one thing that day. How much more of a hypocrite can she be?
So, anyway, I have a few theories about her story of throwing up.
1. She b/p'd at work and then lied about it saying she just threw up because she "wasn't feeling well." And because she felt guilty about b/p-ing, she only ate one thing when she got home.
2. She's resorting to starvation to try and lose weight faster even though she's already on a weightloss program. The thing is, she's losing weight slower than is expected because she's a lazy fuck. She NEVER works out and she'll make me walk upstairs to her bedroom to get her goddamn phone for her. And then she fucking complains about being fat. Well, maybe if she got off the damn sofa every once in a while, she'd slim down faster. Just a thought.
Now, the reasons I'm so sure that she either b/p'd or starved today and didn't just not feel well or very hungry is because of how she acted about it. She paraded around the fact that she threw up. She acted proud that she had only eaten one thing. It was so obvious to me that she was doing something intentionally (and who fucking gloats about their fucked up eating to their family? I don't. Because I'm a real pro-ana and this isn't just a game to me.), but my parents were pretty damn oblivious and thought she had truly caught a bug even though she showed absolutely no signs of feeling sick whatsoever.
It's so damn unfair, when I say I'm not hungry, everyone (save my brother) comes down on me about my eating habits and how much weight I've lost. When my sister says she's not hungry, no one bats a fucking eyelash. She skips meals and eats badly, but my parents just pretend nothing's going on because they're so glad their obese daughter is finally losing weight. Nevermind she eats almost as little as me.
What, so is it socially acceptable to starve yourself only if you're overweight. Are my parents more worried about me just because I weigh less than her. Why is she allowed to lose weight, but I'm not? You guys have seen my fucking GWs, my ugw isn't even underweight. Its fucking 18.5 BMI but they freak out when they see me getting a little slinkier. Yet they don't care that my sister wants to lose like 150+ lbs. I just want to lose 20. I don't care how much someone weighs, if their eating habits are the same as a troubled pro Ana teenager like myself, then they shouldn't be over looked. Fuck my parents. Fuck my sister. Thank God for my brother who is the only one I like in my family most days.
So, why not tell you about my life as Cleosparks while I wait for an acceptable hour to get out of bed? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways.
My brother doesn't know about my pro-ana tendencies, but, as I've mentioned earlier, we're doing this workout plan together. So, last night, my sister brought home a shit load of granola bars (as I also mentioned in my last post) and made me eat one. And while we all had a bar, my Bro and I talked about eating habits and stuff. My mom wandered into the kitchen and asked the three of us what we were talking about and my sister immediately says, "oh they're on a DIET."
Um, excuse me bitch. Your Jenny Craig bullshit is a diet. What my brother and I are doing is called EATING HEALTHILY (but well, not me. I definitely don't eat healthily, but you know what I mean.)
So, my Bro and I quickly explained to my mom that, no in fact, we weren't on a diet, we were just making healthier choices.
So my mom leaves, and then my sister turns to us and tries to fucking educate us or something. Little does she know, I'm probably ten times more knowledgeable than her when it comes to nutrition and human anatomy, but I pretended to be dumb, because I'm not supposed to know all that.
So she tells us, "You know, if you want to be healthy, you guys should eat six to eight meals a day."
I of course, already knew that, but I pretended not to. So my brother and I were both like, "no way am I eating six meals a day." When you think about it, six meals is a lot for anyone.
But my sister went on to argue, "No, really! If you eat six to eight small meals a day and eat a variety of foods, you'll be healthier and feel better. That's how Jenny Craig works! When you eat that much you're metabolism speeds up and yada yada blah blah weight loss blah yada." Well she didn't exactly say that, but I tuned out at the end.
So, my brother and I are like ya whatever. We really just didn't care. Maybe we would have taken her seriously if she wasn't over 300 LBS!! Did I forget to mention that my sister is obese? Ya.
So skip ahead a few hours, and my family is chilling around the living room, and my sister says, "I threw up today at work." And then my parents took the role of parents and asked her a bunch of concerned bullshit like how she's was feeling and the usual stuff, then she goes on to say, "and the rice I'm heating in the microwave is the only thing I will have eaten today."
SHE IS SO FULL OF SO MUCH GODDAMN BULLSHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She was talking all that good shit a second ago about six meals a day and shit. And this bitch means to say she's eating one thing at 9 at night. She's so cut throat I swear! And she tries to fucking educate me on healthy eating and all that shit she pulls out of her ass. I mean she's always like "have you eaten" and shit, yet she threw up on an empty stomach and then went on to eat one thing that day. How much more of a hypocrite can she be?
So, anyway, I have a few theories about her story of throwing up.
1. She b/p'd at work and then lied about it saying she just threw up because she "wasn't feeling well." And because she felt guilty about b/p-ing, she only ate one thing when she got home.
2. She's resorting to starvation to try and lose weight faster even though she's already on a weightloss program. The thing is, she's losing weight slower than is expected because she's a lazy fuck. She NEVER works out and she'll make me walk upstairs to her bedroom to get her goddamn phone for her. And then she fucking complains about being fat. Well, maybe if she got off the damn sofa every once in a while, she'd slim down faster. Just a thought.
Now, the reasons I'm so sure that she either b/p'd or starved today and didn't just not feel well or very hungry is because of how she acted about it. She paraded around the fact that she threw up. She acted proud that she had only eaten one thing. It was so obvious to me that she was doing something intentionally (and who fucking gloats about their fucked up eating to their family? I don't. Because I'm a real pro-ana and this isn't just a game to me.), but my parents were pretty damn oblivious and thought she had truly caught a bug even though she showed absolutely no signs of feeling sick whatsoever.
It's so damn unfair, when I say I'm not hungry, everyone (save my brother) comes down on me about my eating habits and how much weight I've lost. When my sister says she's not hungry, no one bats a fucking eyelash. She skips meals and eats badly, but my parents just pretend nothing's going on because they're so glad their obese daughter is finally losing weight. Nevermind she eats almost as little as me.
What, so is it socially acceptable to starve yourself only if you're overweight. Are my parents more worried about me just because I weigh less than her. Why is she allowed to lose weight, but I'm not? You guys have seen my fucking GWs, my ugw isn't even underweight. Its fucking 18.5 BMI but they freak out when they see me getting a little slinkier. Yet they don't care that my sister wants to lose like 150+ lbs. I just want to lose 20. I don't care how much someone weighs, if their eating habits are the same as a troubled pro Ana teenager like myself, then they shouldn't be over looked. Fuck my parents. Fuck my sister. Thank God for my brother who is the only one I like in my family most days.
Thursday 9 August 2012
Suspicious Sister
Alright, I had 499 calories today. Ya not as good as yesterday, but definitely good.
At about 6:30 I had 359 calories, and I was going to stop there, but one hour later (half an hour ago), my sister gives me a PC granola bar. 140 calories. Then she just watches me eat it. I was gonna take it up to my room then throw it out later, but she literally told me to eat it and wouldn't leave me alone. Yep. Definitely suspicious.
Hope fully I'll lose some weight tomorrow, my sister's staying home from work so it will be a little tricky to weigh and restrict and all that, but I'll manage.
Wish me luck! I'll need it!
~ Cleosparks
Considering Things...
This morning, I weighed myself (as usual) and almost burst into tears. Happy tears! 139.5 lbs! Holy crap! How the heck did I lose 1.5 lbs? I barely expected to lose half a pound. In fact, I would have been happy to just maintain as long as I didn't gain any more weight. But, hey, I'm not complaining. GW 2 finally reached! I'm under 140 lbs!
I decided a couple of posts ago to change my goal to 130 lbs by September 4th instead of 120. So that gives me about 26 days to lose 9.5 lbs. That doesn't sound too hard. If I lose that much by August 21st, then I'll consider lowering it back to 120 lbs. But I have to see how today goes before I make any final decisions. Yesterday could have just been a fluke for all I know.
Nevertheless, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
I decided a couple of posts ago to change my goal to 130 lbs by September 4th instead of 120. So that gives me about 26 days to lose 9.5 lbs. That doesn't sound too hard. If I lose that much by August 21st, then I'll consider lowering it back to 120 lbs. But I have to see how today goes before I make any final decisions. Yesterday could have just been a fluke for all I know.
Nevertheless, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
Wednesday 8 August 2012
A Very Good Day
Where I am, it's about 8:15 pm and... I feel pretty good. Today I had 359 calories. I know. Crazy. These last ten-ish days I've been doing 1000+ and just doing generally horrible. But, as you may have read in my last post, I popped back a couple of diet pills this morning, and for the whole day I just... didn't feel like eating. Huh. Who knew that stuff actually works.
So I had 169 for breakfast and 190 for dinner and I'll be heading off to bed after I workout with my brother, so yes, today went pretty swimmingly by my standards.
No way can I gain even more weight after such a successful day. If I do, I might just breakdown. No joke. I was sitting on the floor next to the scale this morning, in nothing but my underwear, staring into space for a good ten minutes wondering why I couldn't do anything right. I don't exactly want a repeat of that tomorrow.
In other news, check out mybodygallery.com for like amazing thinspiration. What I do is input my height and my ugw (120) and BAM! Tons of pictures of girls with those stats.
Today's pic is from my body gallery and she's 5'7 and 126. I could fucking look like that.
The Fuck is Going On Here?
Alright, yesterday. I did great. No better than great. I ate 1000 calories and burned off 400. Yes. Awesome. Yet I woke up this morning at 141 lbs. I gained half a freaking pound after all that work. What the heck! I don't understand why I gained again, I worked my butt off yesterday and yet there's still an ugly number on the scale. The fuck is going on here?
So, I'm thinking back to February days where I weighed a lot less and did a lot better and trying to figure out what it is I'm not doing. So, I started on with the diet pills today, and hopefully it will work, and today's goal is under 1000 again. Shit, I'm so upset, my body can't even lose weight properly.
I'm so fucked right now, I've only got 26 days left and I only lost one fucking pound in ten days. I don't even know anymore. Honestly.
Everything is just one failure after another, and I'm seriously considering making the goal 130 lbs by September fourth instead of 120. It's so much easier to not eat and be active during school, you're not at home all day in constant proximity to your impending doom AKA the kitchen. So, I'm thinking, try to lose ten pound before school, then lose the rest during school. Let's just hope I can even lose ten pounds.
I'm not exactly sure when a time qualifies for desperate, but I think it might just be time for some desperate measures. So, come monday, I might be starting some kind of ABC-esque diet, but plus 500 calories for each day. So on a fast day, I'd eat 500 instead. I don't know, I'll think about it. It miht help me finally get into the 130s again, but honestly I'm losing faith in myself and hope in humanity.
Wish me luck, awesome person who managed to stick through this jumbled mess of words.
~ Cleosparks
So, I'm thinking back to February days where I weighed a lot less and did a lot better and trying to figure out what it is I'm not doing. So, I started on with the diet pills today, and hopefully it will work, and today's goal is under 1000 again. Shit, I'm so upset, my body can't even lose weight properly.
I'm so fucked right now, I've only got 26 days left and I only lost one fucking pound in ten days. I don't even know anymore. Honestly.
Everything is just one failure after another, and I'm seriously considering making the goal 130 lbs by September fourth instead of 120. It's so much easier to not eat and be active during school, you're not at home all day in constant proximity to your impending doom AKA the kitchen. So, I'm thinking, try to lose ten pound before school, then lose the rest during school. Let's just hope I can even lose ten pounds.
I'm not exactly sure when a time qualifies for desperate, but I think it might just be time for some desperate measures. So, come monday, I might be starting some kind of ABC-esque diet, but plus 500 calories for each day. So on a fast day, I'd eat 500 instead. I don't know, I'll think about it. It miht help me finally get into the 130s again, but honestly I'm losing faith in myself and hope in humanity.
Wish me luck, awesome person who managed to stick through this jumbled mess of words.
~ Cleosparks
Tuesday 7 August 2012
August Challenge & Weight Gain
Ya, I'm doing this August Challenge thing which is basically just weekly weigh-ins to keep yourself on track... but I'm still weighing daily. ;) Join! Sounds like great motivation to me.
Anyway, I weighed myself today for the first time in... a while. 140.5 LBS When the hell did that happen? Yesterday, I did so good, I had 1150 calories and stayed under my goal, yet still gained .5 lbs since my last weigh-in. Oh my gosh, this is not happening. I was so upset that I kept getting off and on the scale murmuring, "that can't be right." But it was.
Since I did so well yesterday, I like to think that I just did so poorly over the weekend that I gained it all back, and I actually lost weight today instead of gaining half a pound. But how am I supposed to know for sure since if I didn't weigh myself over the weekend?
I'm restricting down to 1000 and under today and for a while I guess, in hopes that I will finally get back under 140 after so long. Do it for 139.
So, yes, today is already a bad one and I just woke up half an hour ago. Can anyone say FML? I'm sitting here eating my 40 calories breakfast in complete resignation, hoping for a better weight tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
~ Cleosparks.
Anyway, I weighed myself today for the first time in... a while. 140.5 LBS When the hell did that happen? Yesterday, I did so good, I had 1150 calories and stayed under my goal, yet still gained .5 lbs since my last weigh-in. Oh my gosh, this is not happening. I was so upset that I kept getting off and on the scale murmuring, "that can't be right." But it was.
Since I did so well yesterday, I like to think that I just did so poorly over the weekend that I gained it all back, and I actually lost weight today instead of gaining half a pound. But how am I supposed to know for sure since if I didn't weigh myself over the weekend?
I'm restricting down to 1000 and under today and for a while I guess, in hopes that I will finally get back under 140 after so long. Do it for 139.
So, yes, today is already a bad one and I just woke up half an hour ago. Can anyone say FML? I'm sitting here eating my 40 calories breakfast in complete resignation, hoping for a better weight tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
~ Cleosparks.
Monday 6 August 2012
A Different Angle
So, I haven't posted in a couple of days because I didn't want to keep coming on here with "I'm so bloated and Moody" or "ugh I ate a lot today" or even "oh my gosh I'm so sore from this weekend of vigorous volleyball." It just didn't seem necessary. I'm no longer on my period, but I can't weigh myself because there's some bullshit Canadian holiday today that I've never heard of, so everyone's staying home from work. All the stores are closed and everything.
On another note, I think I'm starting to view things from a very different angle. Of course I'll be resuming my restrictive diet, but I'll be trying to eat those calories in healthy foods instead of gross fattening ones. Also, since both indoor and beach volleyball seasons are now over for me, I've started a workout routine with my brother yesterday. It tones muscles in your core and legs. It's perfect for me. I don't know if I mentioned this, but my arms are slightly disproportionate to the rest of my body. They're skinnier. And so are my calves and feet. When I lose weight, they get even skinnier before the rest of my body catches up. As of Thursday morning, I lost only about two pounds and my arms are already getting bony while the rest of me reduces at a steadier rate.
So this workout that doesn't really use your arms is perfect for me, and I'll be doing it everyday! Yes!
On yet another note, today's calorie intake is under 1200.
Wish me luck.
~ cleosparks
Thursday 2 August 2012
Horrible Timing
Alright, so I was so nervous this morning to weigh myself. I was literally shaking as I lay in bed waiting for my mom to leave for work.
The second I heard the garage door slam, I hopped off the bed and ran straight for my parents room to see how much I had fucked up.
Turns out, I maintained. Ya I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I sort of hoped in my head that I somehow lost weight when, in reality, nothing has changed since yesterday morning.
I felt so horrible about it. Still do. But, to make up for it, I made sure to eat at my goal today. Today's goal was 1250 calories and I ate 1124. Success.
But I have some upsetting news. I got a visit from aunt Flow this evening. Fucking wonderful. It's a rule for me not to weigh myself during it, so I'm still standing by that. But I feel like a bloated mess already and I'm already cranky and upset. Could it have come at a worse time? Not only am I unable to weigh, but I also have a beach volleyball tournament this weekend, and I'd really rather not be dealing with that right now. Ugh. Hopefully it ends soon.
But, anyway, tomorrow's goal intake is under 1200.
Wish me luck
~ Cleosparks
Wednesday 1 August 2012
Shit.
Yep the title pretty much sums it up. I did bad. Like really bad... but I didn't binge.
Let me explain. So at 990 calories I explained how close to bingeing I was. On the brink. But I stabilized myself with a yoghurt and a couple of crackers. That put me up to 1145 calories. And then I thought to myself, "alright only about five hours until it's a reasonable enough time to go to bed, I'm done eating for the day."
Yay. Wonderful. That's all well and good, but then my mom came home. Holy fucking shit. Alright, so she made a big greasy BBQ dinner because I mean WHY NOT? And usually on a day that I don't care what I eat, I'll probably eat three greasy sausages and maybe four slightly healthier kabobs. NO EXAGGERATION. I know right? That's a shit load of calories. But today I told my mom I wasn't very hungry, hoping she would let me slide off dinner.
And then she gave me the look. The signature look. Anybody who's gotten caught doing something Ana related or just slipped too much and now their parents are suspicious has received this look. You know what I'm talking about. And since my parents actually caught me writing this blog and read it, imagine how suspicious they are of me, even months later. So, I quickly sat down on the dinner table before she started asking questions.
I ate.
Three kabobs. And a bit of BBQ sauce.
I felt so bad about it that I actually dug through the trash and pulled out the soggy wrapper to see how many calories were in it. I feel disgusting.
My total intake is 1495 calories. Oh. My. God.
That's horrific. I'm so ashamed. A whole 245 calories over.
I want to blame my mom. But I know deep down that I could have tried harder. I should have. I didn't.
So I'll just pray that I lost weight. If I gained then the intake for tomorrow will be 1050. If I (miraculously) lost, then the intake will be 1300. If I maintained, the intake will be 1250 again.
Tears and anger,
~ Cleosparks
Distracting Myself
I woke up this morning to a refreshing one pound weightloss. Lovely. So, I explained in my last post that if I weighed 140 pounds this morning, then I would make the goal to stay under 1250 calories. So, that's what I did.
It's 3:28 pm right now (at least where I am) and I've already eaten 990 calories. I'm so close to bingeing right now, but I promised myself I wouldn't fuck up like I always do every fucking time. So right now I'm doing every thing I can to wait out the rest of the day with the amount of calories I gave myself. Basically, I'm writing this post right now just to update and to waste more time. When I'm done writing, I'm going to read Wintergirls (oh my God, I just bought it and it so perfectly depicts an anorexic so far), then when I get bored with Wintergirls, I'm going to find and read as many Pro-ana blogs as possible. Haha, what is my life right now? Everything I just said has some sort of relation to anorexia.
I can do this! I will do this.
It's 3:28 pm right now (at least where I am) and I've already eaten 990 calories. I'm so close to bingeing right now, but I promised myself I wouldn't fuck up like I always do every fucking time. So right now I'm doing every thing I can to wait out the rest of the day with the amount of calories I gave myself. Basically, I'm writing this post right now just to update and to waste more time. When I'm done writing, I'm going to read Wintergirls (oh my God, I just bought it and it so perfectly depicts an anorexic so far), then when I get bored with Wintergirls, I'm going to find and read as many Pro-ana blogs as possible. Haha, what is my life right now? Everything I just said has some sort of relation to anorexia.
I can do this! I will do this.
Tuesday 31 July 2012
Another Successful Day
Today was even more wonderfully successful than yesterday! I ate 1181 calories, successfully completing my goal of under 1300 calories! That's great and I still had a little over a hundred calories to spend.
Even though I was successful, I don't think I should really drop the calories by another hundred quite just yet tomorrow. I think tomorrow's goal will be under 1250. It really depends on how much weight I lost. If tomorrow I wake up and I'm 141 lbs still, then I'll lower the intake probably to under 1200 or 1100. If I'm 140 lbs, then I'll lower the intake to under 1250. If I'm under 140 lbs, then I'll keep it the same as yesterday so as to avoid a binge.
I think today's success was due to my healthier choices which let me eat more frequently because they had less calories. Yesterday I had three greasy and cheesy sandwiches and half a cup of ice cream. Needless to say, I felt like shit and wanted to binge a lot more.
Today I had one apple, one whole grain sandwich, one (actual serving size) bowl of cereal, two sunny side up eggs, and a piece of chicken. Less calories, but it felt like I was eating a whole lot more. Not to mention the fact that I went to volleyball practice for an hour and a half. Lovely day all in all.
And I can honestly say I've barely ever stayed at the goal I actually made for myself two days in a row before. But that's probably because the goals I had were much more severe than they are now; I'm talking like 400 calories. But still, if it's working then whatever. I just keep telling myself that failure is not an option if I want my future body.
On that note, wish me luck and that ends day two :)
~ Cleosparks
A New Ultimate Goal Weight
I'm sure right about now would be time for the half-assed attempt to explain my absence. But, not this time. Think of it this way, I've been away for much longer periods of time than two weeks in the past. So, I've actually been getting better at reducing the amount of time I spend away from the blog. Haha, sure ya, let's think of it that way.
But, anyways, I did a little bit of what you could consider to be research two days ago. You see, I think I have an ultimate goal weight in mind. 120 lbs. That is what I'm striving for. 120 lbs would put me at a clean 18.5 bmi. Borderline underweight, perfect.
So, I have a theory. If I eat the calories needed for the RMR of my future 120 lbs self, I'll definitely lose weight. And, in theory, I should begin to maintain once I reach 120 lbs as long as I eat the amount of calories that my RMR suggests.
Well, all that is well and good, but, right now I'm sort of running a tight schedule. You see, yesterday I weighed myself and I was 142 lbs. Yikes. The goal is to get down to 120 lbs. That would mean I would have to lose 22 lbs. If I eat what my future RMR suggests, then I will no doubt eventually reach that weight... But it would take a while. I sort of want to be that weight on the first day of school. September fourth. Including yesterday, that only gave me 37 days.
So, in 37 days, I've got to lose 22 lbs. Well since today is day 2 and I've lost one pound, I have 36 days to lose 21 lbs. That means I will have to eat less than I planned and exercise more if I want to lose it in the amount of time I gave myself.
By the way, the RMR for me if I were 120 lbs is 1436 calories. So, yesterday's goal was to just stay under that amount. I succeded, I ended up eating 1337 calories. I also ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 300 calories. I woke up today one pound lighter.
Since yesterday was a success, I'm lowering my goal intake to under 1300 calories instead of under 1436 calories.
If I continue to lose a pound a day, I should get to my ultimate goal weight by September fourth!
Wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
But, anyways, I did a little bit of what you could consider to be research two days ago. You see, I think I have an ultimate goal weight in mind. 120 lbs. That is what I'm striving for. 120 lbs would put me at a clean 18.5 bmi. Borderline underweight, perfect.
So, I have a theory. If I eat the calories needed for the RMR of my future 120 lbs self, I'll definitely lose weight. And, in theory, I should begin to maintain once I reach 120 lbs as long as I eat the amount of calories that my RMR suggests.
Well, all that is well and good, but, right now I'm sort of running a tight schedule. You see, yesterday I weighed myself and I was 142 lbs. Yikes. The goal is to get down to 120 lbs. That would mean I would have to lose 22 lbs. If I eat what my future RMR suggests, then I will no doubt eventually reach that weight... But it would take a while. I sort of want to be that weight on the first day of school. September fourth. Including yesterday, that only gave me 37 days.
So, in 37 days, I've got to lose 22 lbs. Well since today is day 2 and I've lost one pound, I have 36 days to lose 21 lbs. That means I will have to eat less than I planned and exercise more if I want to lose it in the amount of time I gave myself.
By the way, the RMR for me if I were 120 lbs is 1436 calories. So, yesterday's goal was to just stay under that amount. I succeded, I ended up eating 1337 calories. I also ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 300 calories. I woke up today one pound lighter.
Since yesterday was a success, I'm lowering my goal intake to under 1300 calories instead of under 1436 calories.
If I continue to lose a pound a day, I should get to my ultimate goal weight by September fourth!
Wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
Monday 16 July 2012
Bleh
So I didn't post on the weekend, and you shouldn't expect me to post on the weekends at all. Mainly due to the fact that, I'm home alone on Moday through Friday and then everyone is home and crowding me constantly on Saturday through Sunday. I'm not going to risk blogging on a weekend because I might get caught... again. And then you won't see me for another three months or however long I was away for. So ya, no blogging on the weekend.
Moving on, for reasons that have yet to be discovered, my mom stayed home from work today. That makes not eating at least six times harder. The first thing she asked me when I woke up this morning was, "What do you want for breakfast?" To which I replied, "I'm not hungry yet." Even though I was hungry as hell.
So, now I'm camped out in the basement where I plan to stay in hiding until my mom forces food on me. Just freaking lovely. Also, I have banished the fainting spells by drinking a shit load of water every morning and just before bed. The fact that this prevents binging is just a very nice plus.
I just bought a new pair of jeans that just barely fit, and I'm determined to get a nice loose fit by August. I just keep telling myself that I was 130 once and I can do it again.
That being said, I have no idea how much I weigh, but I feel bloated which is never a good sign.
~ Cleosparks
Moving on, for reasons that have yet to be discovered, my mom stayed home from work today. That makes not eating at least six times harder. The first thing she asked me when I woke up this morning was, "What do you want for breakfast?" To which I replied, "I'm not hungry yet." Even though I was hungry as hell.
So, now I'm camped out in the basement where I plan to stay in hiding until my mom forces food on me. Just freaking lovely. Also, I have banished the fainting spells by drinking a shit load of water every morning and just before bed. The fact that this prevents binging is just a very nice plus.
I just bought a new pair of jeans that just barely fit, and I'm determined to get a nice loose fit by August. I just keep telling myself that I was 130 once and I can do it again.
That being said, I have no idea how much I weigh, but I feel bloated which is never a good sign.
~ Cleosparks
Friday 13 July 2012
Floating
I've been gone for quite a while. Sorry. Once exams ended, I found myself going out with friends on the regular or just sitting around the house, the last thing on my mind was weight-loss or pro-ana. It showed too. My weight went up. All the way up to 142 lbs. And that's what I weighed myself in on July 4th. It hit me hard since that was when I hoped to be 136 lbs.
I guess that day kicked my butt into gear. I didn't so much star dieting again, but I only ate when I was hungry and never before. I lost about a pound and maintained that until I'd say about two days ago. Once again, I was sick of being in the 140s and I started daydreaming about being the skinny one again. Believe it or not, back when I was 130 lbs, I was a lot skinnier than I thought. I saw a video of me and my friends yesterday from around January and I looked so skinny. I started to hate myself a little more yesterday.
And then the weirdest thing happened yesterday. For breakfast I had a sandwich as per usual, but then I just decided I wouldn't eat lunch. I just didn't feel like it. And then when my mom got home for work and suggested dinner, I was almost repulsed by the thought. It was so totally weird and so totally awesome.
I remember last night, how I went to the fridge with every intention of stuffing my face, but nothing was appealing. Nothing. I just didn't want to eat any food. It was like my mind and my body were simply confused. On one hand, my body was awaiting my usual nightly binge, but on the other hand, my mind just went, "meh" at every food I came across. I just didn't feel like eating.
So this morning, I lay in bed as I usually do for about two hours, reading a book (call me a nerd), and decided it was about time I got up and ate some breakfast or something. But when I got up, I got that blurred vision thing you get when you get up to fast. I was utterly surprised when it didn't go away. Suddenly I was lying on the floor and I couldn't remember falling but my arm hurt and I had a headache, which lead me to believe that I slowed my fall with my arm, but I still nicked the floor with the side of my head.
This strange falling thing has happened once before. I blogged about it. I was utterly scared when it happened, and I did my research and found out what had happened to me was that I fainted, but probably didn't black out. Instead of the panicky feeling that I felt last time, I just felt sort of... happy... this morning.
I know that it's so sick and twisted, being happy about fainting, but the thing is. I miss ana. I miss all the feelings. When I think back to last October all the way to around February. I can barely clutch the memories. It just feels like that part of my life was just one big dream and it didn't really happen. I want that feeling again. I crave it almost more than I crave being skinny again. Almost. Even when I go back to read old blog posts, I can barely remember having written them. It's all so weird, yet liberating. It's like feeling like you were just floating along for five months.
Back to the present, I weighed my self again after that fainting spell and came up at 139.5 lbs. Not as good as I would like, but good enough.
~ Cleosparks
I guess that day kicked my butt into gear. I didn't so much star dieting again, but I only ate when I was hungry and never before. I lost about a pound and maintained that until I'd say about two days ago. Once again, I was sick of being in the 140s and I started daydreaming about being the skinny one again. Believe it or not, back when I was 130 lbs, I was a lot skinnier than I thought. I saw a video of me and my friends yesterday from around January and I looked so skinny. I started to hate myself a little more yesterday.
And then the weirdest thing happened yesterday. For breakfast I had a sandwich as per usual, but then I just decided I wouldn't eat lunch. I just didn't feel like it. And then when my mom got home for work and suggested dinner, I was almost repulsed by the thought. It was so totally weird and so totally awesome.
I remember last night, how I went to the fridge with every intention of stuffing my face, but nothing was appealing. Nothing. I just didn't want to eat any food. It was like my mind and my body were simply confused. On one hand, my body was awaiting my usual nightly binge, but on the other hand, my mind just went, "meh" at every food I came across. I just didn't feel like eating.
So this morning, I lay in bed as I usually do for about two hours, reading a book (call me a nerd), and decided it was about time I got up and ate some breakfast or something. But when I got up, I got that blurred vision thing you get when you get up to fast. I was utterly surprised when it didn't go away. Suddenly I was lying on the floor and I couldn't remember falling but my arm hurt and I had a headache, which lead me to believe that I slowed my fall with my arm, but I still nicked the floor with the side of my head.
This strange falling thing has happened once before. I blogged about it. I was utterly scared when it happened, and I did my research and found out what had happened to me was that I fainted, but probably didn't black out. Instead of the panicky feeling that I felt last time, I just felt sort of... happy... this morning.
I know that it's so sick and twisted, being happy about fainting, but the thing is. I miss ana. I miss all the feelings. When I think back to last October all the way to around February. I can barely clutch the memories. It just feels like that part of my life was just one big dream and it didn't really happen. I want that feeling again. I crave it almost more than I crave being skinny again. Almost. Even when I go back to read old blog posts, I can barely remember having written them. It's all so weird, yet liberating. It's like feeling like you were just floating along for five months.
Back to the present, I weighed my self again after that fainting spell and came up at 139.5 lbs. Not as good as I would like, but good enough.
~ Cleosparks
Friday 29 June 2012
Sorry About That (REALLY FAST UPDATE)
I just wanted to say I was gone for about a week because of exams, but summer has officially started for me and you can expect lots of posts for about two months. :) I'll post again later today.
Thursday 21 June 2012
138.5
I didn't fast on Tuesday... or yesterday, or today. I've been away for a bit, mainly because of finals, but I decided to do a quick post today because I didn't wanna leave the people hanging.
Let me start with Tuesday. I was going just fine, and it was smooth sailing through my first exam with not a single calorie. Then after the exam (on which I got an 89% with no studying (; ), A couple of friends dragged me off to McDonald's where I ate so much food. It was so gross that I feared weighing myself yesterday... so I didn't.
Yesterday was much like Tuesday except I ate even more food. It's actually disturbing to think about really. I was truly disgusted with myself and still am I guess. I just wish I could redo the last couple of days and fix things, but hey, it is what it is.
So, I weighed myself this morning and weighed in at 140 lbs! I know! Gross! But then I weighed myself again after taking off my sweater and sweatpants and weighed in at 138.5 lbs. Oh thank the gods. That could have been so bad, but it turned out, miracles were working their magic for me to have lost weight after a two day binge fest. So, after I got home from school, I ate some ice cream. That's it. Just some ice cream. No more than 400-500 calories just to be on the safe side. That compared to my 2000-3000 calories the last couple of days is splendid. I'm sure I'll weigh less tomorrow morning and I'm really excited to see how much I weigh. I will definitely meet my goal of 136 lbs by July 4th. I can. I hope.
Untill next time,
~ cleosparks
Let me start with Tuesday. I was going just fine, and it was smooth sailing through my first exam with not a single calorie. Then after the exam (on which I got an 89% with no studying (; ), A couple of friends dragged me off to McDonald's where I ate so much food. It was so gross that I feared weighing myself yesterday... so I didn't.
Yesterday was much like Tuesday except I ate even more food. It's actually disturbing to think about really. I was truly disgusted with myself and still am I guess. I just wish I could redo the last couple of days and fix things, but hey, it is what it is.
So, I weighed myself this morning and weighed in at 140 lbs! I know! Gross! But then I weighed myself again after taking off my sweater and sweatpants and weighed in at 138.5 lbs. Oh thank the gods. That could have been so bad, but it turned out, miracles were working their magic for me to have lost weight after a two day binge fest. So, after I got home from school, I ate some ice cream. That's it. Just some ice cream. No more than 400-500 calories just to be on the safe side. That compared to my 2000-3000 calories the last couple of days is splendid. I'm sure I'll weigh less tomorrow morning and I'm really excited to see how much I weigh. I will definitely meet my goal of 136 lbs by July 4th. I can. I hope.
Untill next time,
~ cleosparks
Monday 18 June 2012
Dormant Weight
Yesterday, as we all know, was Father's Day :( ... Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but on special occasions, people tend to want to go out and eat. I don't know why. It's stupid. We should spend time together sitting around and reminiscing, not stuffing our faces. But, I guess all of the human race has a fat man mentality. So, I found myself sitting in Montana's with my mom, dad, sister and brother, stuffing my face. I ate like a cow. Disgusting.
So, this morning, I weighed myself. I was disgusted by what I saw on the scale. A shocking 141 lbs. Ya, I know, it's gross. I hated myself all the way to school and back. When I got home about thirty minutes ago, I weighed myself again, hoping the outcome would be better because I had only a slice of pizza for lunch. I smiled at the scale, still too heavy, but better than a pound and a half of gained weight. 140 lbs. Feeling depressed about the extra half a pound I would now have to lose, I took a shower and then pee'd. In a flash of hope, I went back to weigh myself in shorts and a t-shirt, 139.5. Admittedly, it's not as low as I hoped it would be, but now I could confidently say that my weight remained the same as yesterday.
So, now I sit here eating my last meal (hopefully) of the day at 4:22 pm. Two slices of bread and some honey with a cup of hot tea. I used to hate tea before I realised it made me lose weight faster. There's tip number two: drink your tea.
Oh! I almost forgot! The nineteenth of the month is tomorrow! I'm going on a twenty-four hour faster starting at 12 am tomorrow. I'm so excited and I really believe I can do it.
Wish me luck and thanks for reading,
~ cleosparks
So, this morning, I weighed myself. I was disgusted by what I saw on the scale. A shocking 141 lbs. Ya, I know, it's gross. I hated myself all the way to school and back. When I got home about thirty minutes ago, I weighed myself again, hoping the outcome would be better because I had only a slice of pizza for lunch. I smiled at the scale, still too heavy, but better than a pound and a half of gained weight. 140 lbs. Feeling depressed about the extra half a pound I would now have to lose, I took a shower and then pee'd. In a flash of hope, I went back to weigh myself in shorts and a t-shirt, 139.5. Admittedly, it's not as low as I hoped it would be, but now I could confidently say that my weight remained the same as yesterday.
So, now I sit here eating my last meal (hopefully) of the day at 4:22 pm. Two slices of bread and some honey with a cup of hot tea. I used to hate tea before I realised it made me lose weight faster. There's tip number two: drink your tea.
Oh! I almost forgot! The nineteenth of the month is tomorrow! I'm going on a twenty-four hour faster starting at 12 am tomorrow. I'm so excited and I really believe I can do it.
Wish me luck and thanks for reading,
~ cleosparks
Sunday 17 June 2012
Quick Post
So, this is just a quick post. Yesterday, or rather two days ago because it's currently 2:00 am, I ate quite a lot, but I still managed to drop half a pound when I weighed my self yesterday! I am now in the 130s! 139.5 lbs! Well yesterday, I ate a very small amount. About three quarters of a hamburger, and half a piece of cake. Yep. That's it. I have no idea how many calories that is, but I feel pretty damn good about myself! I can expect at least half a pound of weight loss when I way myself later today! :) I'm half asleep while I right this, so please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes.
~ cleosparks
Friday 15 June 2012
Crystal Light, Water, and Weight Loss
So, I weighed myself wearing sunshine shorts and a sleeveless shirt and I weighed... DUH DUH DUH DUUUUH.... 140 lbs! Yay! Ive lost a total of six pounds in eleven days which totals at around half a pound a day. So about 3.5 ish pounds a week. Hmm, interesting.
Well, anyways, it's about 11:45 am where I live and of course I haven't eaten yet (I've disciplined myself to never ever eat breakfast). So, I plan on eating breakfast in fifteen to forty-five minutes. I'm trying to slowly push back my first meal so that it will be easier to fast on the nineteenth (five days!). Ever since June 4th, I've been eating my first meal of the day at 12:00 pm on the nose, so I'm aiming for 12:30 today. I'm a little apprehensive to be honest. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Will my body immediately start to complain once it realises that I'm not on schedule? Will I get overwhelmed by cravings and binge? Will I have regretted waiting thirty extra minutes? Well, let's wait and find out.
On another note, I've already consumed 130 calories today. All of which were in fluids obviously, because I don't eat breakfast.
Hot chocolate: 120
Crystal Light (Love this stuff): 10
I weighed myself after I drank the hot chocolate and before I drank the crystal light. Actually, I'm sipping on the crystal right now.
I feel like I should disclose a tip that you've probably heard a hundred times, but it really truly works. DRINK YOUR FREAKING WATER PEOPLE. Really think about how much water you drink in a day. Lots of people only drink a glass. That's because those people are eating foods with water in them. If you cut out the food (fruits, meats, yogurt, even fast foods like milkshakes and cheeseburgers), your body is being severely deprived of fluids. Think of it this way. You need to make up for the lack of food you consume with an abundance of water! Make sense? No complaining! Start simple with two glasses of water a day. One when you wake up an one before bed. Then work your way up! Eventually, you'll want to get to anywhere from six to nine glasses of water a day. It works brilliantly! You lose more weight. You feel less hungry. Your stomach gets flatter. Trust me, if you drink water like you're stocking up for a trip across the Sahara dessert, you'll look like a freaking model after a couple of months, I guarantee it. Bored? Drink water. Tired? Drink water. Feeling restless? Drink water. Hungry? Drink water. You can thank me later.
Have no fear, my rant is over. :P But really, drink some freaking water people!
Talk to y'all later! Much LOVE!
~ Cleosparks
Well, anyways, it's about 11:45 am where I live and of course I haven't eaten yet (I've disciplined myself to never ever eat breakfast). So, I plan on eating breakfast in fifteen to forty-five minutes. I'm trying to slowly push back my first meal so that it will be easier to fast on the nineteenth (five days!). Ever since June 4th, I've been eating my first meal of the day at 12:00 pm on the nose, so I'm aiming for 12:30 today. I'm a little apprehensive to be honest. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Will my body immediately start to complain once it realises that I'm not on schedule? Will I get overwhelmed by cravings and binge? Will I have regretted waiting thirty extra minutes? Well, let's wait and find out.
On another note, I've already consumed 130 calories today. All of which were in fluids obviously, because I don't eat breakfast.
Hot chocolate: 120
Crystal Light (Love this stuff): 10
I weighed myself after I drank the hot chocolate and before I drank the crystal light. Actually, I'm sipping on the crystal right now.
I feel like I should disclose a tip that you've probably heard a hundred times, but it really truly works. DRINK YOUR FREAKING WATER PEOPLE. Really think about how much water you drink in a day. Lots of people only drink a glass. That's because those people are eating foods with water in them. If you cut out the food (fruits, meats, yogurt, even fast foods like milkshakes and cheeseburgers), your body is being severely deprived of fluids. Think of it this way. You need to make up for the lack of food you consume with an abundance of water! Make sense? No complaining! Start simple with two glasses of water a day. One when you wake up an one before bed. Then work your way up! Eventually, you'll want to get to anywhere from six to nine glasses of water a day. It works brilliantly! You lose more weight. You feel less hungry. Your stomach gets flatter. Trust me, if you drink water like you're stocking up for a trip across the Sahara dessert, you'll look like a freaking model after a couple of months, I guarantee it. Bored? Drink water. Tired? Drink water. Feeling restless? Drink water. Hungry? Drink water. You can thank me later.
Have no fear, my rant is over. :P But really, drink some freaking water people!
Talk to y'all later! Much LOVE!
~ Cleosparks
That Familiar Feeling
I did... OK yesterday. There was a moderate binge, but I didn't eat breakfast and had a smaller lunch. I hope I didn't gain weight or even maintain for that matter. It would really suck if I got thrown off schedule and couldn't meet 136 lbs by the deadline I set for myself (July 4th). So that familiar feeling of anxiety and stress when I'm not sure what I weigh is setting in again. It's good to be back!
On another note, I plan on doing a fast on June 19th. One full day water fast. June 19th is halfway between my start date (June 4th, 146 lbs) and my deadline (July 4th, hopefully 136 lbs), so I figured it would be a good day to test the waters and see how well I can handle a fast. I must admit, I'm scared that I'll just fuck up and binge and that would totally suck. I really hope I still have the discipline I had before.
So, finals are starting up for me next week Wednesday. I've missed the last three days of school due to a cold, and something tells me that their teaching some crucial things on days I'm missing. That would suck really bad because I'm fairly sure I'm not going to do very well in the first place. I haven't even started studying yet and I haven't made plans to at all. I know deep down that I'm not going to end up studying for these stupid exams at all. Whatever. I'm an honours student already so a couple poorly done exams shouldn't hurt that badly. Fuck it, I'm so beyond caring anyway.
Well it's really nice to be blogging again. I'll probably post again in a couple of hours as I have nothing I'd rather be doing anyway. My social life has ceased to exist ever since I pinned that socialization = consumption of calories. My blog is basically my best friend.
Much love,
~ cleosparks
On another note, I plan on doing a fast on June 19th. One full day water fast. June 19th is halfway between my start date (June 4th, 146 lbs) and my deadline (July 4th, hopefully 136 lbs), so I figured it would be a good day to test the waters and see how well I can handle a fast. I must admit, I'm scared that I'll just fuck up and binge and that would totally suck. I really hope I still have the discipline I had before.
So, finals are starting up for me next week Wednesday. I've missed the last three days of school due to a cold, and something tells me that their teaching some crucial things on days I'm missing. That would suck really bad because I'm fairly sure I'm not going to do very well in the first place. I haven't even started studying yet and I haven't made plans to at all. I know deep down that I'm not going to end up studying for these stupid exams at all. Whatever. I'm an honours student already so a couple poorly done exams shouldn't hurt that badly. Fuck it, I'm so beyond caring anyway.
Well it's really nice to be blogging again. I'll probably post again in a couple of hours as I have nothing I'd rather be doing anyway. My social life has ceased to exist ever since I pinned that socialization = consumption of calories. My blog is basically my best friend.
Much love,
~ cleosparks
Thursday 14 June 2012
It's Been So Long
It's been so long since I last updated. Like literally months. I missed this blog like crazy, but never fear, I have a pretty legitimate reason for having left. My parents. They found out about... everything. They read my blog. Every single word. They told me all this stuff about how anorexia is a disease and how I could die and all this stuff I already know. I felt like shit to be honest. They told me to shut it all down. I didn't.
I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks
I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks
Friday 23 March 2012
Sick of This
So yesterday I binged... a lot. Today was much better. I had too much for what I consider is good for weight loss, but I'm fairly sure I didn't gain weight.
I won't be able to know for sure if I really lost or gained weight because... well she caught me weighing the other day. Just as I was stepping off the scale (don't worry I was clothed) she walked in on me. Then she went on one of her tyrants about not worrying about how much I weigh and just being healthy. Honestly it went through one ear and out the other. I hate it when she tries to control what I do or eat.
Well, on a side note... I am so SICK of being between 130 and 135. I want to leave the 130s for good. It's time to get serious.
~ cleosparks
Wednesday 21 March 2012
Almost Binges and Almost Tears
Well... I have some very bad news. This morning, I weighed myself on a very empty stomach- as in VERY empty. No waste... I dropped a duke. On my empty as can be stomach I weighed 134 lbs. 134 LBS. A gain of 3.5 lbs in a week-ish. Of course I'm unhappy about that, but I'm trying. I won't beat myself up too much and I'm going to lose the weight I've gained; one pound at a time.
Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
All that being said...
Wish me luck
~ cleosparks
P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!
Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
All that being said...
Wish me luck
~ cleosparks
P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!
Tuesday 20 March 2012
I'm Sorry
I'm sorry I keep not posting. I guess it's because I've been feeling less and less happy the healthier I get (as odd as that sounds) and I've been feeling sorry for myself among other things. I'm too scared to weigh myself as I'm sure I've gained weight since that stupid meal plan was started. Volleyball has got me eating more, but I know I can't blame volleyball for my excessive binging over the last seven days.
Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks
Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks
Tuesday 13 March 2012
I Couldn't Do It
I tried to stay away from this blog and eat directly from the meal plan without skipping meals until Thursday when I said I would next weigh myself. But I couldn't do it. I missed this blog too much and I missed my pro Ana weighs.
This morning I skipped breakfast and took some diet pills instead. Its all or nothing with me. This just goes to show that I can't follow a "normal diet." It's restriction or binging with me and that's how it'll always be.
However, I am staying true to my word that I won't weigh again until Thursday. But I can't stay away from this blog or from Ana.
Thursday 8 March 2012
Incoherent Thoughts
This morning I weighed 130 lbs. If I gained weight when I step on the scale tomorrow morning... I might have an actual mental breakdown. I don't think I could handle it.
I ate about 1622 calories today. Yes. I know. Half way into the day, I thought about lying and saying I ate when I really didn't. But I decided I would follow the plan for a week just like I said I would, otherwise my weight in exactly one week wont really do much to determine anything. One week.
I felt like I was contradicting myself all day today. "Eat it you have to." "Don't eat it you'll get fat." Now you have an excuse for Ana. You HAD to eat so she won't be mad." Conflicting thoughts like these can be more than a little confusing.
I don't even know if what I'm typing even really makes any sense. I'm tired yet energized and too full and SO hungry all at the same time. It's a very strange feeling.
Well maybe I'll be able to write down more coherent thoughts tomorrow instead of blabbing nonsense right now ;P
Until then.
~ cleosparks
Wednesday 7 March 2012
A Meal Plan
Today I ate just enough to lose about a half a pound I think. We'll see tomorrow. I must admit, I'm a little scared that I might have a gained weight. I'm scared because I didn't count calories so I very well could have gone WAY over. Thus, I count today a failure in staying under 500 calories. Having a backup plan would come in handy if not for one thing
Just after practice tonight, I was getting ready to post here on my blog. Something along the lines of "Bleh I kind of screwed up. Time to start my reversed 2468 diet." But my mom stopped me before I got on the computer to tell me that I was going to follow an "athletes meal plan" starting tomorrow. I felt like shooting myself in the head.
So, I checked out the plan myself (I'll post the plan tomorrow) and the stuff on there is quite healthy as I would expect... but it has a LOT more than 800 calories. I just did some rough estimating in my head and got 1650 calories. That's about enough to maintain my weight right now. So, I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, follow the meal plan strictly for a week, and then weigh myself again. If I gained weight, I'll cut out one of the snacks or both (depending on how much I gain) and wait a week and weigh again. If I ended up losing weight, well then I'd continue the diet because it'll probably do more good than harm :P. And if I maintain, I'll wait another week before deciding what to do.
My meal plan starts tomorrow.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks.
Tuesday 6 March 2012
Easy as ABC
I'm starting the ABC diet tomorrow. It is the most popular diet in the pro-ana universe up there with 2468 and SGD. Well, at least that's my take with this. I plan to complete as much of ABC as I can. Once I reach my limit and fail- I assume I'll do this within a day or two- I'll switch to my inverted version of the 2468 diet for 12 days and then try the ABC again.
To start off with, the ABC diet is a diet that allows you to eat whatever you want in a day whenever you want as long as it stays under (or at) the specified calorie amount for the day. It is 50 days long.
ABC Diet
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Yes, I know this is going to be hard which is why I've already come up with a back-up plan. When I fail, I will do my inverted version of the 2468 diet... my very own 8642 diet. In this diet you eat 800 calories one day, the next day eat 600, then 400, 200 and repeat. I'll do this three times (that's twelve days) and then go back to ABC. If I binge on an 8642 diet day, I will simply overlook that day and continue on as this diet is simply to help with regaining control.
Oh, on a side note... I weighed in this morning at 131.5 lbs.
~cleosparks
To start off with, the ABC diet is a diet that allows you to eat whatever you want in a day whenever you want as long as it stays under (or at) the specified calorie amount for the day. It is 50 days long.
ABC Diet
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Yes, I know this is going to be hard which is why I've already come up with a back-up plan. When I fail, I will do my inverted version of the 2468 diet... my very own 8642 diet. In this diet you eat 800 calories one day, the next day eat 600, then 400, 200 and repeat. I'll do this three times (that's twelve days) and then go back to ABC. If I binge on an 8642 diet day, I will simply overlook that day and continue on as this diet is simply to help with regaining control.
Oh, on a side note... I weighed in this morning at 131.5 lbs.
~cleosparks
| Week | Mon | Tues | Wed | Thurs | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| Week 1 | 500 | 500 | 300 | 400 | 100 | 200 | 300 |
| Week 2 | 400 | 500 | Fast | 150 | 200 | 400 | 350 |
| Week 3 | 250 | 200 | Fast | 200 | 100 | Fast | 300 |
| Week 4 | 250 | 200 | 150 | 100 | 50 | 100 | 200 |
| Week 5 | 200 | 300 | 800 | Fast | 250 | 350 | 450 |
| Week 6 | Fast | 500 | 450 | 400 | 350 | 300 | 250 |
| Week 7 | 200 | 200 | 250 | 200 | 300 | 200 | 150 |
| Week 8 | Fast | Slowly return to a normal diet | |||||
| Week | Mon | Tues | Wed | Thurs | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| Week 1 | 500 | 500 | 300 | 400 | 100 | 200 | 300 |
| Week 2 | 400 | 500 | Fast | 150 | 200 | 400 | 350 |
| Week 3 | 250 | 200 | Fast | 200 | 100 | Fast | 300 |
| Week 4 | 250 | 200 | 150 | 100 | 50 | 100 | 200 |
| Week 5 | 200 | 300 | 800 | Fast | 250 | 350 | 450 |
| Week 6 | Fast | 500 | 450 | 400 | 350 | 300 | 250 |
| Week 7 | 200 | 200 | 250 | 200 | 300 | 200 | 150 |
| Week 8 | Fast | Slowly return to a normal diet | |||||
Monday 5 March 2012
Um Wait...
So. There's some good news and some bad news.
I'm not actually 5'6. I'm 5'7.5. This means that at a weight of 133 lbs, I have a bmi of 20.5 rather than 21.5.
Bad News
I have a BMI of 20.5 yet I am still fat. Strikingly so. Great. I thought that when I reached 20.5 I'd look great, but it turns out I'm already there and I look horrible.
Good News
I will have a bmi of 18.5 at 120 lbs rather than 114.5 lbs. Thus I will be considered underweight at an earlier time.
Question
Should I alter my goal weights to match the BMIs I will now have? For example, should a goal weight of 130 at 5'6 now be changed to a goal weight of 136 lbs so that either way I'll have a BMI of 21.0? I think that's logical enough... I'll do that.
Bottom Line
I'm still fat.
Friday 2 March 2012
830
So, I tried to fast today and ended up eating 830 calories. FML right now. Well at least its still a relatively low amount. But still... bleh. I have a new plan of action. Everyday I'll try and eat the same or less calories as the day before. If I screw up and binge then the next day I'll just try and eat less than my record. My record right now is, well 830. I'm going to try and get that or less but it's going to be hard because I have an all day volleyball tournament. But I'll try.
On a different note, my weight is now 130.5 lbs. The same amount it was before when I screwed up and binged. Please don't fuck up, body. Please. I'm so hoping to reach at least 129 lbs by March 7 and I'm so close I can taste it. Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Thursday 1 March 2012
A Time Limit For My Goal
Today I ate a total of 1084 calories. Ya I know. Shitty day. That being said, I did lose two pounds since yesterday, so I did indulge a little bit. Bad mistake. I hope I don't weigh more tomorrow.
So, let me just get this out on display here. Judge me as you will... but my mom is my reverse-thinspo. Yes I know! I know! I'm a horrible person. But it's true. When I'm thinking of binging until I can't move... I just look at her and see her rolls and legs and suddenly the binge isn't so bad. Yup, right now you're thinking "God, this girl is horrible! I'm never looking at this blog again!" You know what? I don't blame you if you say that. I am a horrible person, but that isn't exactly new information. This is why I've been cursed with the inability to get out of the 130-135 lbs range. I swear, when I get in the 120s, I'm never looking back. Really I hate it. I've been in the 130s for so long, I don't remember what it's like anymore to be 126 lbs.
I've decided to try and reach my second goal weight of under 130 lbs by March seventh. I chose March seventh because my grade is starting swimming unit on that day and I don't want to look as fat as I look right now.
I've got six days. This. Will. Happen.
I'm going to look up more tips and tricks and hopefully collaborate some ideas on how to loose more weight. When I get disciplined enough, I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'm really excited about that. But first I need to learn some more restraint.
As far as life is going right now, I'm becoming more and more crappy and bitchy towards my friends and I feel like I'm oh so slowly pushing them away. I'm also getting to be more careless about things and I'm beginning to not give a shit about things I usually care about.
Plus I'm tired as hell all the time.
Correction: I'm tired as hell on good days when I've been doing some heavy restriction. Hopefully I'll be tired more.
Oh, and here is the best tip I have come across so far. WATER. These websites aren't kidding when they say water helps. I'm telling you it does. I think the fact that I drank two tall glasses of water before bed greatly helped in the amount of weight I had lost over night. I myself will make it a goal of mine to drink two glasses of water in the morning (after I weigh myself) and two glasses of water before bed.
Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
So, let me just get this out on display here. Judge me as you will... but my mom is my reverse-thinspo. Yes I know! I know! I'm a horrible person. But it's true. When I'm thinking of binging until I can't move... I just look at her and see her rolls and legs and suddenly the binge isn't so bad. Yup, right now you're thinking "God, this girl is horrible! I'm never looking at this blog again!" You know what? I don't blame you if you say that. I am a horrible person, but that isn't exactly new information. This is why I've been cursed with the inability to get out of the 130-135 lbs range. I swear, when I get in the 120s, I'm never looking back. Really I hate it. I've been in the 130s for so long, I don't remember what it's like anymore to be 126 lbs.
I've decided to try and reach my second goal weight of under 130 lbs by March seventh. I chose March seventh because my grade is starting swimming unit on that day and I don't want to look as fat as I look right now.
I've got six days. This. Will. Happen.
I'm going to look up more tips and tricks and hopefully collaborate some ideas on how to loose more weight. When I get disciplined enough, I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'm really excited about that. But first I need to learn some more restraint.
As far as life is going right now, I'm becoming more and more crappy and bitchy towards my friends and I feel like I'm oh so slowly pushing them away. I'm also getting to be more careless about things and I'm beginning to not give a shit about things I usually care about.
Plus I'm tired as hell all the time.
Correction: I'm tired as hell on good days when I've been doing some heavy restriction. Hopefully I'll be tired more.
Oh, and here is the best tip I have come across so far. WATER. These websites aren't kidding when they say water helps. I'm telling you it does. I think the fact that I drank two tall glasses of water before bed greatly helped in the amount of weight I had lost over night. I myself will make it a goal of mine to drink two glasses of water in the morning (after I weigh myself) and two glasses of water before bed.
Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Wednesday 29 February 2012
More Counting
So, I didn't have that much to write yesterday. I still weighed 134 lbs and I ate the amount of calories I needed to maintain weight (1700) because I'm a total idiot. You would think I would gain weight after eating so much, but this food actually broke my mini two day plateau of 134 lbs. I'm now 133.5 lbs. Dropping weight once again.
So counting calories is now a habit for me, and today I counted once again.
A bag of ruffles cheddar and cream cheese baked chips 120 calories
One talking rain 0 calories
One Hotrod meat snak 50 calories
Two slices of bread (w/ jam) 195 calories
Half a cucumber 23 calories
Ginger tea (w/ milk) 205 calories
Two Fruit snack... things 350
Total: 943 calories
Up until yesterday, I always ate M&M cookies for lunch at school. They have 250 calories. Then, today I decided that was just too many calories for one sitting. Instead of the M&Ms, I got a bag of chips. Bam! Calorie replacements. Geez I also need to cut out one of the fruit snack things and I'll be good!
So this was a short post. Longer one tomorrow I promise!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
So counting calories is now a habit for me, and today I counted once again.
A bag of ruffles cheddar and cream cheese baked chips 120 calories
One talking rain 0 calories
One Hotrod meat snak 50 calories
Two slices of bread (w/ jam) 195 calories
Half a cucumber 23 calories
Ginger tea (w/ milk) 205 calories
Two Fruit snack... things 350
Total: 943 calories
Up until yesterday, I always ate M&M cookies for lunch at school. They have 250 calories. Then, today I decided that was just too many calories for one sitting. Instead of the M&Ms, I got a bag of chips. Bam! Calorie replacements. Geez I also need to cut out one of the fruit snack things and I'll be good!
So this was a short post. Longer one tomorrow I promise!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Monday 27 February 2012
Counting Calories
I weighed myself this morning. I weighed 134 lbs. I then went into a sort of depression. Fuck I didn't think I would gain so much. I love how I'm slowly starting to hate myself as I get further into this state of mind. Seriously.
Anywho... to make up for yesterday's... um miserable failure, I counted calories for the first time in a very VERY long time. Here are my results:
M&M bite size cookies 250
Talking Rain Ice (my favourite beverage) 0
Instant noodles 380
One hotdog without the bread 90
One slice of bread with a tablespoon of jam 110
Total: 830 calories
Not bad for someone with as little self control as I have. Well anyways, I'm going to go on the treadmill now as I don't have practice today!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Anywho... to make up for yesterday's... um miserable failure, I counted calories for the first time in a very VERY long time. Here are my results:
M&M bite size cookies 250
Talking Rain Ice (my favourite beverage) 0
Instant noodles 380
One hotdog without the bread 90
One slice of bread with a tablespoon of jam 110
Total: 830 calories
Not bad for someone with as little self control as I have. Well anyways, I'm going to go on the treadmill now as I don't have practice today!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Sunday 26 February 2012
I'm So... Fat.
So, I'm using my mobile app right now and I can't update the about me, but ya I weighed myself this morning. 130.5 lbs.
I would usually be jumping for joy at being so close to a goal weight, but I have a very strong feeling I'll have gained weight tomorrow morning rather than lost it.
So... I ate today. A. Lot. I had a waffle with three strips of bacon and a bit of maple syrup this morning for breakfast. That's really good for that kind of food. Usually when I'm presented with bacon and waffles/eggs, I binge... instantly. But today I controlled myself. Well, at first I did. I went on to have FOUR PB and and J sandwiches... that's right FOUR. After that I had some calorie laden soup. Yay. And after practice just I had two little fruit packet things... 175 calories each. Then I had two more strips of bacon and a shitload of sweet potato fries. I feel like dieing right now. Tomorrow morning when the scale confirms how much of a failure I really am... I probably will go into a form of depression. I might go throw up now if I have the balls for it. Goodbye.
~ cleosparks
I would usually be jumping for joy at being so close to a goal weight, but I have a very strong feeling I'll have gained weight tomorrow morning rather than lost it.
So... I ate today. A. Lot. I had a waffle with three strips of bacon and a bit of maple syrup this morning for breakfast. That's really good for that kind of food. Usually when I'm presented with bacon and waffles/eggs, I binge... instantly. But today I controlled myself. Well, at first I did. I went on to have FOUR PB and and J sandwiches... that's right FOUR. After that I had some calorie laden soup. Yay. And after practice just I had two little fruit packet things... 175 calories each. Then I had two more strips of bacon and a shitload of sweet potato fries. I feel like dieing right now. Tomorrow morning when the scale confirms how much of a failure I really am... I probably will go into a form of depression. I might go throw up now if I have the balls for it. Goodbye.
~ cleosparks
My Happy Family
Dad:
My dad is the chill one in the family. He doesn't get mad very often, but when he does, you'd better watch out. I would guess his BMI is anywhere from 22 to 25. He's nice and healthy and he exercises every other day. A great dad as far as dads go and he's my favourite parent.
Mom:
Mom's always stressed out for some reason or another. My family just moved across the country in September for my dad's job, and because of the move, my mom is currently unemployed. You would think someone who has really no responsibilities would be really calm all day, but it's the exact opposite with my mom. It's almost like she LOOKS for something to be stressed out about. Quite obviously I don't like my mother AT ALL and I avoid her as much as I can. I can't guess at a BMI that's as high as hers probably is, but she's like 5'4" and around 210 lbs. She doesn't exercise and she's unsuccessfully trying to lose weight.
Sister:
Let's call her Ivy from now on as all names in this blog will be changed for the safety of the poor suckers I write about ;). So, Ivy, my older sister, is really annoying. She likes to act as if my brother and I are 3 years old. What's worse is the fact that she thinks she is the equal to my parents. She thinks she can tell my brother and I what we can and can't do and when we can and can't do it. I hate her more than I hate my mom... and I hate my mom a lot. She is about 5'7" or 5'8" and around 275 lbs. She is OBESE with a capital FAT. She's on the Jenny Craig diet and when she started she was 300+ lbs. So yes she has improved. She exercises regularly, but not very much.
Brother:
We'll call him Eddy. Eddy is my favourite sibling and he's also a role model to me in a way. He's about 180 lbs. Before you gasp, that's 180 lbs of pure muscle. He's 6'1" and he has a six pack. He works hard for what he wants. He plays basketball competitively as I play volleyball competitively and he works out everyday for hours. He is in the best physical shape he could possibly be in.
Me:
Cleosparks. Well, obviously my name isn't really Cleosparks, but just as I'm not sharing the names of the people I write about, I'm not sharing mine. Not at least until I'm ready. You know exactly what I weigh through the About Me, and as for my personality... well you'll be the judge of that.
Well that's all my family when you don't count my cat, Cleo. As for her, she's a real cutie with lots of sass. She's 4 years old and counting.
As for the weigh-in and what not, I'll be doing that in a later post.
Thanks for reading as always
xoxox
~ cleosparks
My dad is the chill one in the family. He doesn't get mad very often, but when he does, you'd better watch out. I would guess his BMI is anywhere from 22 to 25. He's nice and healthy and he exercises every other day. A great dad as far as dads go and he's my favourite parent.
Mom:
Mom's always stressed out for some reason or another. My family just moved across the country in September for my dad's job, and because of the move, my mom is currently unemployed. You would think someone who has really no responsibilities would be really calm all day, but it's the exact opposite with my mom. It's almost like she LOOKS for something to be stressed out about. Quite obviously I don't like my mother AT ALL and I avoid her as much as I can. I can't guess at a BMI that's as high as hers probably is, but she's like 5'4" and around 210 lbs. She doesn't exercise and she's unsuccessfully trying to lose weight.
Sister:
Let's call her Ivy from now on as all names in this blog will be changed for the safety of the poor suckers I write about ;). So, Ivy, my older sister, is really annoying. She likes to act as if my brother and I are 3 years old. What's worse is the fact that she thinks she is the equal to my parents. She thinks she can tell my brother and I what we can and can't do and when we can and can't do it. I hate her more than I hate my mom... and I hate my mom a lot. She is about 5'7" or 5'8" and around 275 lbs. She is OBESE with a capital FAT. She's on the Jenny Craig diet and when she started she was 300+ lbs. So yes she has improved. She exercises regularly, but not very much.
Brother:
We'll call him Eddy. Eddy is my favourite sibling and he's also a role model to me in a way. He's about 180 lbs. Before you gasp, that's 180 lbs of pure muscle. He's 6'1" and he has a six pack. He works hard for what he wants. He plays basketball competitively as I play volleyball competitively and he works out everyday for hours. He is in the best physical shape he could possibly be in.
Me:
Cleosparks. Well, obviously my name isn't really Cleosparks, but just as I'm not sharing the names of the people I write about, I'm not sharing mine. Not at least until I'm ready. You know exactly what I weigh through the About Me, and as for my personality... well you'll be the judge of that.
Well that's all my family when you don't count my cat, Cleo. As for her, she's a real cutie with lots of sass. She's 4 years old and counting.
As for the weigh-in and what not, I'll be doing that in a later post.
Thanks for reading as always
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Saturday 25 February 2012
Sleepover
Well, hello again. Sorry for the whole "didn't post yesterday" thing, but I was quite busy. Really, I'm sorry! But I'm going to fill you in on what you missed and what I plan on doing today.
So, let's start with yesterday morning. I weighed myself and I lost 1.5 lbs! Yes! I got down to 132.5 lbs. But, the thing is, I went to my volleyball team's team sleepover thing last night/this morning, and sleepovers usually translate to a lot of food. Luckily enough, I did not binge, but I did eat more than I would like to admit. Jeez, that was a mistake! I'm very scared to weigh myself this afternoon since I've already eaten, so I'm skipping weighing today. I'm just to scared for this... I don't know how I'll deal with it if I gained too much weight and ended up back over my first goal weight!
On another note, I'm going to hit the treadmill tonight for 35 minutes since I don't have practise today and I vowed to do that whenever I didn't have practise! I will stick with my vow! I promise!
Also, I'll try not to eat again today until around 4:30ish and then I will stick to my one fruit rule after my workout. I can still save my weight! Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I got my first comment ever! It was from kindofana! Check her out! Thanks so much kindofana!
So, let's start with yesterday morning. I weighed myself and I lost 1.5 lbs! Yes! I got down to 132.5 lbs. But, the thing is, I went to my volleyball team's team sleepover thing last night/this morning, and sleepovers usually translate to a lot of food. Luckily enough, I did not binge, but I did eat more than I would like to admit. Jeez, that was a mistake! I'm very scared to weigh myself this afternoon since I've already eaten, so I'm skipping weighing today. I'm just to scared for this... I don't know how I'll deal with it if I gained too much weight and ended up back over my first goal weight!
On another note, I'm going to hit the treadmill tonight for 35 minutes since I don't have practise today and I vowed to do that whenever I didn't have practise! I will stick with my vow! I promise!
Also, I'll try not to eat again today until around 4:30ish and then I will stick to my one fruit rule after my workout. I can still save my weight! Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I got my first comment ever! It was from kindofana! Check her out! Thanks so much kindofana!
Wednesday 22 February 2012
So... Goal Weight One Reached!
So, this post is a bit more informative. I've finally put my stats up in the about me section! So, this is less "hey guys I'm too lazy to post legible material" and more "hey guys this is my plan and this is what I've done so far."
So. I suck at exercise. I can't do it. I hate it. But yesterday and the day before I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and somehow lost a pound (which lead to reaching my first goal weight), and today I had volleyball practice which lasted 2 hours as usual. Usually before I would eat as much as I could after a practice, but today with my refreshed pro-ana mind set, I only grabbed a banana and that was it! I'm going to bed hungry which is always good.
I'm going to follow a new excercise regimen. This week I spend 35 minutes on the treadmill everyday I don't have practice on. I am limited to eating one fruit after every one of these sessions including volleyball practices (3 sometimes 4 days a week). Next will be the same except my treadmill sessions will be lengthened to 45 minutes. The week after 55. Then 65 and so on.
Along with this I will also try to eat as little as possible throughout the day and I must try my best to go to bed hungry. I should not under any circumstances go to bed feeling full.
WISH ME LUCK!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
So. I suck at exercise. I can't do it. I hate it. But yesterday and the day before I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and somehow lost a pound (which lead to reaching my first goal weight), and today I had volleyball practice which lasted 2 hours as usual. Usually before I would eat as much as I could after a practice, but today with my refreshed pro-ana mind set, I only grabbed a banana and that was it! I'm going to bed hungry which is always good.
I'm going to follow a new excercise regimen. This week I spend 35 minutes on the treadmill everyday I don't have practice on. I am limited to eating one fruit after every one of these sessions including volleyball practices (3 sometimes 4 days a week). Next will be the same except my treadmill sessions will be lengthened to 45 minutes. The week after 55. Then 65 and so on.
Along with this I will also try to eat as little as possible throughout the day and I must try my best to go to bed hungry. I should not under any circumstances go to bed feeling full.
WISH ME LUCK!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Tuesday 21 February 2012
Geez I've Been Super Busy...
Thus, I have been unable to put up stats or really publish any new material. So here are my basic stats:
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 135 lbs
HW: 140 lbs
LW: 126 lbs
BMI: 21.8
GW1: under 135 lbs []
GW2: under 130 lbs []
GW3: under 126 lbs []
GW4: under 120 lbs []
GW5: under 118 lbs []
GW6: under 114 lbs []
UGW: happiness
So I hope you've learned even a little bit about me through the stats up there, and just wanted to let you know that I will start posting regularly and with actual content quite soon :)
Stay tuned!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I will move those stats to the about me soon when I'm not feeling so lazy ;P
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 135 lbs
HW: 140 lbs
LW: 126 lbs
BMI: 21.8
GW1: under 135 lbs []
GW2: under 130 lbs []
GW3: under 126 lbs []
GW4: under 120 lbs []
GW5: under 118 lbs []
GW6: under 114 lbs []
UGW: happiness
So I hope you've learned even a little bit about me through the stats up there, and just wanted to let you know that I will start posting regularly and with actual content quite soon :)
Stay tuned!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I will move those stats to the about me soon when I'm not feeling so lazy ;P
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