Anxiety

 Today's going to be hard. Not because of fear of binging (I don't really get that urge any more), but because everyone is home. I don't know if I mentioned it already, but my sister and parents work only on weekdays. Not only did I not get the chance to weigh myself today (the only accurate scale in the house is in my parents' room), but I know my parents will make me eat.
 First off, I'm suffering from some extreme anxiety right about now because I have know idea how much I weigh. I probably lost, but I feel fat. So, what if, in the off chance that I didn't lose, I somehow magically gained 3.5 lbs and went back to 142? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW! This can't be good for my mental health.
 Also, I mentioned in my last post (more like ranted) that my dad's fancy party is tonight. We rented a hall, got waiters and everything. I just know that we'll be expected to eat there.
 In the perfect world, I would just not eat until the event to prevent as much weight gain as possible and maybe possibly look like less of a cow in the dress. But, as I mentioned, everyone is home today and I can already here my mom cooking breakfast. Dammit. Why does everyone feel the need to eat all the time?
 Well, I'm going to fast as much as is possible with my entire family at home, and hopefully on monday (the next chance I'll have to weigh myself), I'll at least have maintained. Hopefully. I'm like fucking praying right now that I don't weigh myself and see 139, or worse yet, 140+
 Oh my God, ya I'm gonna stop thinking like that because it is causing deep emotional distress. My hand is literally shaking... I don't know how to deal with life right now. It totally sucks ass.
~ Cleosparks