Today's going to be hard. Not because of fear of binging (I don't really get that urge any more), but because everyone is home. I don't know if I mentioned it already, but my sister and parents work only on weekdays. Not only did I not get the chance to weigh myself today (the only accurate scale in the house is in my parents' room), but I know my parents will make me eat.
First off, I'm suffering from some extreme anxiety right about now because I have know idea how much I weigh. I probably lost, but I feel fat. So, what if, in the off chance that I didn't lose, I somehow magically gained 3.5 lbs and went back to 142? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW! This can't be good for my mental health.
Also, I mentioned in my last post (more like ranted) that my dad's fancy party is tonight. We rented a hall, got waiters and everything. I just know that we'll be expected to eat there.
In the perfect world, I would just not eat until the event to prevent as much weight gain as possible and maybe possibly look like less of a cow in the dress. But, as I mentioned, everyone is home today and I can already here my mom cooking breakfast. Dammit. Why does everyone feel the need to eat all the time?
Well, I'm going to fast as much as is possible with my entire family at home, and hopefully on monday (the next chance I'll have to weigh myself), I'll at least have maintained. Hopefully. I'm like fucking praying right now that I don't weigh myself and see 139, or worse yet, 140+
Oh my God, ya I'm gonna stop thinking like that because it is causing deep emotional distress. My hand is literally shaking... I don't know how to deal with life right now. It totally sucks ass.
~ Cleosparks
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label about me. Show all posts
Saturday, 11 August 2012
Friday, 10 August 2012
Random Irrelevance
I've had 289 calories so far today. It's about 3:00. I'm not going to eat until I'm sure my mom's not making some kind of dinner. A lot of times in the past couple days, I'll reach my calorie limit and think, "Well, I'm done." And then my sister feeds me a granola bar. Ya I really don't wanna go over 500. It's kinda scary. Ugh, I feel so bleh right now. I hate my tummy! It's so fat, and my thighs, and my hips, and my face.... The only thing I like is my arms, as I've said in the past, they're skinny and when I lose weight, I lose it in my arms first, then the rest of me.
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
Feeling Damn Good
Before I get on with things, I just want to apologize for the really epic post a couple of hours ago. ;) It was super freaking long, but hey I'm passionate on the topic and I was pissed off and partially delusional from my lack of sleep. Still am. I didn't get a single minute of sleep and I usually get 6-8 hours so right now I feel... like shit.
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
A Sleep Deprived Rant
It's currently 5:00 am. I went to bed at fucking ten and have been twisting and turning on the bed for seven hours. I can't sleep! I've given up already.
So, why not tell you about my life as Cleosparks while I wait for an acceptable hour to get out of bed? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways.
My brother doesn't know about my pro-ana tendencies, but, as I've mentioned earlier, we're doing this workout plan together. So, last night, my sister brought home a shit load of granola bars (as I also mentioned in my last post) and made me eat one. And while we all had a bar, my Bro and I talked about eating habits and stuff. My mom wandered into the kitchen and asked the three of us what we were talking about and my sister immediately says, "oh they're on a DIET."
Um, excuse me bitch. Your Jenny Craig bullshit is a diet. What my brother and I are doing is called EATING HEALTHILY (but well, not me. I definitely don't eat healthily, but you know what I mean.)
So, my Bro and I quickly explained to my mom that, no in fact, we weren't on a diet, we were just making healthier choices.
So my mom leaves, and then my sister turns to us and tries to fucking educate us or something. Little does she know, I'm probably ten times more knowledgeable than her when it comes to nutrition and human anatomy, but I pretended to be dumb, because I'm not supposed to know all that.
So she tells us, "You know, if you want to be healthy, you guys should eat six to eight meals a day."
I of course, already knew that, but I pretended not to. So my brother and I were both like, "no way am I eating six meals a day." When you think about it, six meals is a lot for anyone.
But my sister went on to argue, "No, really! If you eat six to eight small meals a day and eat a variety of foods, you'll be healthier and feel better. That's how Jenny Craig works! When you eat that much you're metabolism speeds up and yada yada blah blah weight loss blah yada." Well she didn't exactly say that, but I tuned out at the end.
So, my brother and I are like ya whatever. We really just didn't care. Maybe we would have taken her seriously if she wasn't over 300 LBS!! Did I forget to mention that my sister is obese? Ya.
So skip ahead a few hours, and my family is chilling around the living room, and my sister says, "I threw up today at work." And then my parents took the role of parents and asked her a bunch of concerned bullshit like how she's was feeling and the usual stuff, then she goes on to say, "and the rice I'm heating in the microwave is the only thing I will have eaten today."
SHE IS SO FULL OF SO MUCH GODDAMN BULLSHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She was talking all that good shit a second ago about six meals a day and shit. And this bitch means to say she's eating one thing at 9 at night. She's so cut throat I swear! And she tries to fucking educate me on healthy eating and all that shit she pulls out of her ass. I mean she's always like "have you eaten" and shit, yet she threw up on an empty stomach and then went on to eat one thing that day. How much more of a hypocrite can she be?
So, anyway, I have a few theories about her story of throwing up.
1. She b/p'd at work and then lied about it saying she just threw up because she "wasn't feeling well." And because she felt guilty about b/p-ing, she only ate one thing when she got home.
2. She's resorting to starvation to try and lose weight faster even though she's already on a weightloss program. The thing is, she's losing weight slower than is expected because she's a lazy fuck. She NEVER works out and she'll make me walk upstairs to her bedroom to get her goddamn phone for her. And then she fucking complains about being fat. Well, maybe if she got off the damn sofa every once in a while, she'd slim down faster. Just a thought.
Now, the reasons I'm so sure that she either b/p'd or starved today and didn't just not feel well or very hungry is because of how she acted about it. She paraded around the fact that she threw up. She acted proud that she had only eaten one thing. It was so obvious to me that she was doing something intentionally (and who fucking gloats about their fucked up eating to their family? I don't. Because I'm a real pro-ana and this isn't just a game to me.), but my parents were pretty damn oblivious and thought she had truly caught a bug even though she showed absolutely no signs of feeling sick whatsoever.
It's so damn unfair, when I say I'm not hungry, everyone (save my brother) comes down on me about my eating habits and how much weight I've lost. When my sister says she's not hungry, no one bats a fucking eyelash. She skips meals and eats badly, but my parents just pretend nothing's going on because they're so glad their obese daughter is finally losing weight. Nevermind she eats almost as little as me.
What, so is it socially acceptable to starve yourself only if you're overweight. Are my parents more worried about me just because I weigh less than her. Why is she allowed to lose weight, but I'm not? You guys have seen my fucking GWs, my ugw isn't even underweight. Its fucking 18.5 BMI but they freak out when they see me getting a little slinkier. Yet they don't care that my sister wants to lose like 150+ lbs. I just want to lose 20. I don't care how much someone weighs, if their eating habits are the same as a troubled pro Ana teenager like myself, then they shouldn't be over looked. Fuck my parents. Fuck my sister. Thank God for my brother who is the only one I like in my family most days.
So, why not tell you about my life as Cleosparks while I wait for an acceptable hour to get out of bed? No? Well, I'll tell you anyways.
My brother doesn't know about my pro-ana tendencies, but, as I've mentioned earlier, we're doing this workout plan together. So, last night, my sister brought home a shit load of granola bars (as I also mentioned in my last post) and made me eat one. And while we all had a bar, my Bro and I talked about eating habits and stuff. My mom wandered into the kitchen and asked the three of us what we were talking about and my sister immediately says, "oh they're on a DIET."
Um, excuse me bitch. Your Jenny Craig bullshit is a diet. What my brother and I are doing is called EATING HEALTHILY (but well, not me. I definitely don't eat healthily, but you know what I mean.)
So, my Bro and I quickly explained to my mom that, no in fact, we weren't on a diet, we were just making healthier choices.
So my mom leaves, and then my sister turns to us and tries to fucking educate us or something. Little does she know, I'm probably ten times more knowledgeable than her when it comes to nutrition and human anatomy, but I pretended to be dumb, because I'm not supposed to know all that.
So she tells us, "You know, if you want to be healthy, you guys should eat six to eight meals a day."
I of course, already knew that, but I pretended not to. So my brother and I were both like, "no way am I eating six meals a day." When you think about it, six meals is a lot for anyone.
But my sister went on to argue, "No, really! If you eat six to eight small meals a day and eat a variety of foods, you'll be healthier and feel better. That's how Jenny Craig works! When you eat that much you're metabolism speeds up and yada yada blah blah weight loss blah yada." Well she didn't exactly say that, but I tuned out at the end.
So, my brother and I are like ya whatever. We really just didn't care. Maybe we would have taken her seriously if she wasn't over 300 LBS!! Did I forget to mention that my sister is obese? Ya.
So skip ahead a few hours, and my family is chilling around the living room, and my sister says, "I threw up today at work." And then my parents took the role of parents and asked her a bunch of concerned bullshit like how she's was feeling and the usual stuff, then she goes on to say, "and the rice I'm heating in the microwave is the only thing I will have eaten today."
SHE IS SO FULL OF SO MUCH GODDAMN BULLSHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. She was talking all that good shit a second ago about six meals a day and shit. And this bitch means to say she's eating one thing at 9 at night. She's so cut throat I swear! And she tries to fucking educate me on healthy eating and all that shit she pulls out of her ass. I mean she's always like "have you eaten" and shit, yet she threw up on an empty stomach and then went on to eat one thing that day. How much more of a hypocrite can she be?
So, anyway, I have a few theories about her story of throwing up.
1. She b/p'd at work and then lied about it saying she just threw up because she "wasn't feeling well." And because she felt guilty about b/p-ing, she only ate one thing when she got home.
2. She's resorting to starvation to try and lose weight faster even though she's already on a weightloss program. The thing is, she's losing weight slower than is expected because she's a lazy fuck. She NEVER works out and she'll make me walk upstairs to her bedroom to get her goddamn phone for her. And then she fucking complains about being fat. Well, maybe if she got off the damn sofa every once in a while, she'd slim down faster. Just a thought.
Now, the reasons I'm so sure that she either b/p'd or starved today and didn't just not feel well or very hungry is because of how she acted about it. She paraded around the fact that she threw up. She acted proud that she had only eaten one thing. It was so obvious to me that she was doing something intentionally (and who fucking gloats about their fucked up eating to their family? I don't. Because I'm a real pro-ana and this isn't just a game to me.), but my parents were pretty damn oblivious and thought she had truly caught a bug even though she showed absolutely no signs of feeling sick whatsoever.
It's so damn unfair, when I say I'm not hungry, everyone (save my brother) comes down on me about my eating habits and how much weight I've lost. When my sister says she's not hungry, no one bats a fucking eyelash. She skips meals and eats badly, but my parents just pretend nothing's going on because they're so glad their obese daughter is finally losing weight. Nevermind she eats almost as little as me.
What, so is it socially acceptable to starve yourself only if you're overweight. Are my parents more worried about me just because I weigh less than her. Why is she allowed to lose weight, but I'm not? You guys have seen my fucking GWs, my ugw isn't even underweight. Its fucking 18.5 BMI but they freak out when they see me getting a little slinkier. Yet they don't care that my sister wants to lose like 150+ lbs. I just want to lose 20. I don't care how much someone weighs, if their eating habits are the same as a troubled pro Ana teenager like myself, then they shouldn't be over looked. Fuck my parents. Fuck my sister. Thank God for my brother who is the only one I like in my family most days.
Friday, 13 July 2012
Floating
I've been gone for quite a while. Sorry. Once exams ended, I found myself going out with friends on the regular or just sitting around the house, the last thing on my mind was weight-loss or pro-ana. It showed too. My weight went up. All the way up to 142 lbs. And that's what I weighed myself in on July 4th. It hit me hard since that was when I hoped to be 136 lbs.
I guess that day kicked my butt into gear. I didn't so much star dieting again, but I only ate when I was hungry and never before. I lost about a pound and maintained that until I'd say about two days ago. Once again, I was sick of being in the 140s and I started daydreaming about being the skinny one again. Believe it or not, back when I was 130 lbs, I was a lot skinnier than I thought. I saw a video of me and my friends yesterday from around January and I looked so skinny. I started to hate myself a little more yesterday.
And then the weirdest thing happened yesterday. For breakfast I had a sandwich as per usual, but then I just decided I wouldn't eat lunch. I just didn't feel like it. And then when my mom got home for work and suggested dinner, I was almost repulsed by the thought. It was so totally weird and so totally awesome.
I remember last night, how I went to the fridge with every intention of stuffing my face, but nothing was appealing. Nothing. I just didn't want to eat any food. It was like my mind and my body were simply confused. On one hand, my body was awaiting my usual nightly binge, but on the other hand, my mind just went, "meh" at every food I came across. I just didn't feel like eating.
So this morning, I lay in bed as I usually do for about two hours, reading a book (call me a nerd), and decided it was about time I got up and ate some breakfast or something. But when I got up, I got that blurred vision thing you get when you get up to fast. I was utterly surprised when it didn't go away. Suddenly I was lying on the floor and I couldn't remember falling but my arm hurt and I had a headache, which lead me to believe that I slowed my fall with my arm, but I still nicked the floor with the side of my head.
This strange falling thing has happened once before. I blogged about it. I was utterly scared when it happened, and I did my research and found out what had happened to me was that I fainted, but probably didn't black out. Instead of the panicky feeling that I felt last time, I just felt sort of... happy... this morning.
I know that it's so sick and twisted, being happy about fainting, but the thing is. I miss ana. I miss all the feelings. When I think back to last October all the way to around February. I can barely clutch the memories. It just feels like that part of my life was just one big dream and it didn't really happen. I want that feeling again. I crave it almost more than I crave being skinny again. Almost. Even when I go back to read old blog posts, I can barely remember having written them. It's all so weird, yet liberating. It's like feeling like you were just floating along for five months.
Back to the present, I weighed my self again after that fainting spell and came up at 139.5 lbs. Not as good as I would like, but good enough.
~ Cleosparks
I guess that day kicked my butt into gear. I didn't so much star dieting again, but I only ate when I was hungry and never before. I lost about a pound and maintained that until I'd say about two days ago. Once again, I was sick of being in the 140s and I started daydreaming about being the skinny one again. Believe it or not, back when I was 130 lbs, I was a lot skinnier than I thought. I saw a video of me and my friends yesterday from around January and I looked so skinny. I started to hate myself a little more yesterday.
And then the weirdest thing happened yesterday. For breakfast I had a sandwich as per usual, but then I just decided I wouldn't eat lunch. I just didn't feel like it. And then when my mom got home for work and suggested dinner, I was almost repulsed by the thought. It was so totally weird and so totally awesome.
I remember last night, how I went to the fridge with every intention of stuffing my face, but nothing was appealing. Nothing. I just didn't want to eat any food. It was like my mind and my body were simply confused. On one hand, my body was awaiting my usual nightly binge, but on the other hand, my mind just went, "meh" at every food I came across. I just didn't feel like eating.
So this morning, I lay in bed as I usually do for about two hours, reading a book (call me a nerd), and decided it was about time I got up and ate some breakfast or something. But when I got up, I got that blurred vision thing you get when you get up to fast. I was utterly surprised when it didn't go away. Suddenly I was lying on the floor and I couldn't remember falling but my arm hurt and I had a headache, which lead me to believe that I slowed my fall with my arm, but I still nicked the floor with the side of my head.
This strange falling thing has happened once before. I blogged about it. I was utterly scared when it happened, and I did my research and found out what had happened to me was that I fainted, but probably didn't black out. Instead of the panicky feeling that I felt last time, I just felt sort of... happy... this morning.
I know that it's so sick and twisted, being happy about fainting, but the thing is. I miss ana. I miss all the feelings. When I think back to last October all the way to around February. I can barely clutch the memories. It just feels like that part of my life was just one big dream and it didn't really happen. I want that feeling again. I crave it almost more than I crave being skinny again. Almost. Even when I go back to read old blog posts, I can barely remember having written them. It's all so weird, yet liberating. It's like feeling like you were just floating along for five months.
Back to the present, I weighed my self again after that fainting spell and came up at 139.5 lbs. Not as good as I would like, but good enough.
~ Cleosparks
Thursday, 21 June 2012
138.5
I didn't fast on Tuesday... or yesterday, or today. I've been away for a bit, mainly because of finals, but I decided to do a quick post today because I didn't wanna leave the people hanging.
Let me start with Tuesday. I was going just fine, and it was smooth sailing through my first exam with not a single calorie. Then after the exam (on which I got an 89% with no studying (; ), A couple of friends dragged me off to McDonald's where I ate so much food. It was so gross that I feared weighing myself yesterday... so I didn't.
Yesterday was much like Tuesday except I ate even more food. It's actually disturbing to think about really. I was truly disgusted with myself and still am I guess. I just wish I could redo the last couple of days and fix things, but hey, it is what it is.
So, I weighed myself this morning and weighed in at 140 lbs! I know! Gross! But then I weighed myself again after taking off my sweater and sweatpants and weighed in at 138.5 lbs. Oh thank the gods. That could have been so bad, but it turned out, miracles were working their magic for me to have lost weight after a two day binge fest. So, after I got home from school, I ate some ice cream. That's it. Just some ice cream. No more than 400-500 calories just to be on the safe side. That compared to my 2000-3000 calories the last couple of days is splendid. I'm sure I'll weigh less tomorrow morning and I'm really excited to see how much I weigh. I will definitely meet my goal of 136 lbs by July 4th. I can. I hope.
Untill next time,
~ cleosparks
Let me start with Tuesday. I was going just fine, and it was smooth sailing through my first exam with not a single calorie. Then after the exam (on which I got an 89% with no studying (; ), A couple of friends dragged me off to McDonald's where I ate so much food. It was so gross that I feared weighing myself yesterday... so I didn't.
Yesterday was much like Tuesday except I ate even more food. It's actually disturbing to think about really. I was truly disgusted with myself and still am I guess. I just wish I could redo the last couple of days and fix things, but hey, it is what it is.
So, I weighed myself this morning and weighed in at 140 lbs! I know! Gross! But then I weighed myself again after taking off my sweater and sweatpants and weighed in at 138.5 lbs. Oh thank the gods. That could have been so bad, but it turned out, miracles were working their magic for me to have lost weight after a two day binge fest. So, after I got home from school, I ate some ice cream. That's it. Just some ice cream. No more than 400-500 calories just to be on the safe side. That compared to my 2000-3000 calories the last couple of days is splendid. I'm sure I'll weigh less tomorrow morning and I'm really excited to see how much I weigh. I will definitely meet my goal of 136 lbs by July 4th. I can. I hope.
Untill next time,
~ cleosparks
Friday, 15 June 2012
That Familiar Feeling
I did... OK yesterday. There was a moderate binge, but I didn't eat breakfast and had a smaller lunch. I hope I didn't gain weight or even maintain for that matter. It would really suck if I got thrown off schedule and couldn't meet 136 lbs by the deadline I set for myself (July 4th). So that familiar feeling of anxiety and stress when I'm not sure what I weigh is setting in again. It's good to be back!
On another note, I plan on doing a fast on June 19th. One full day water fast. June 19th is halfway between my start date (June 4th, 146 lbs) and my deadline (July 4th, hopefully 136 lbs), so I figured it would be a good day to test the waters and see how well I can handle a fast. I must admit, I'm scared that I'll just fuck up and binge and that would totally suck. I really hope I still have the discipline I had before.
So, finals are starting up for me next week Wednesday. I've missed the last three days of school due to a cold, and something tells me that their teaching some crucial things on days I'm missing. That would suck really bad because I'm fairly sure I'm not going to do very well in the first place. I haven't even started studying yet and I haven't made plans to at all. I know deep down that I'm not going to end up studying for these stupid exams at all. Whatever. I'm an honours student already so a couple poorly done exams shouldn't hurt that badly. Fuck it, I'm so beyond caring anyway.
Well it's really nice to be blogging again. I'll probably post again in a couple of hours as I have nothing I'd rather be doing anyway. My social life has ceased to exist ever since I pinned that socialization = consumption of calories. My blog is basically my best friend.
Much love,
~ cleosparks
On another note, I plan on doing a fast on June 19th. One full day water fast. June 19th is halfway between my start date (June 4th, 146 lbs) and my deadline (July 4th, hopefully 136 lbs), so I figured it would be a good day to test the waters and see how well I can handle a fast. I must admit, I'm scared that I'll just fuck up and binge and that would totally suck. I really hope I still have the discipline I had before.
So, finals are starting up for me next week Wednesday. I've missed the last three days of school due to a cold, and something tells me that their teaching some crucial things on days I'm missing. That would suck really bad because I'm fairly sure I'm not going to do very well in the first place. I haven't even started studying yet and I haven't made plans to at all. I know deep down that I'm not going to end up studying for these stupid exams at all. Whatever. I'm an honours student already so a couple poorly done exams shouldn't hurt that badly. Fuck it, I'm so beyond caring anyway.
Well it's really nice to be blogging again. I'll probably post again in a couple of hours as I have nothing I'd rather be doing anyway. My social life has ceased to exist ever since I pinned that socialization = consumption of calories. My blog is basically my best friend.
Much love,
~ cleosparks
Thursday, 14 June 2012
It's Been So Long
It's been so long since I last updated. Like literally months. I missed this blog like crazy, but never fear, I have a pretty legitimate reason for having left. My parents. They found out about... everything. They read my blog. Every single word. They told me all this stuff about how anorexia is a disease and how I could die and all this stuff I already know. I felt like shit to be honest. They told me to shut it all down. I didn't.
I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks
I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Almost Binges and Almost Tears
Well... I have some very bad news. This morning, I weighed myself on a very empty stomach- as in VERY empty. No waste... I dropped a duke. On my empty as can be stomach I weighed 134 lbs. 134 LBS. A gain of 3.5 lbs in a week-ish. Of course I'm unhappy about that, but I'm trying. I won't beat myself up too much and I'm going to lose the weight I've gained; one pound at a time.
Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
All that being said...
Wish me luck
~ cleosparks
P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!
Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
All that being said...
Wish me luck
~ cleosparks
P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
I'm Sorry
I'm sorry I keep not posting. I guess it's because I've been feeling less and less happy the healthier I get (as odd as that sounds) and I've been feeling sorry for myself among other things. I'm too scared to weigh myself as I'm sure I've gained weight since that stupid meal plan was started. Volleyball has got me eating more, but I know I can't blame volleyball for my excessive binging over the last seven days.
Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks
Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Easy as ABC
I'm starting the ABC diet tomorrow. It is the most popular diet in the pro-ana universe up there with 2468 and SGD. Well, at least that's my take with this. I plan to complete as much of ABC as I can. Once I reach my limit and fail- I assume I'll do this within a day or two- I'll switch to my inverted version of the 2468 diet for 12 days and then try the ABC again.
To start off with, the ABC diet is a diet that allows you to eat whatever you want in a day whenever you want as long as it stays under (or at) the specified calorie amount for the day. It is 50 days long.
ABC Diet
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Yes, I know this is going to be hard which is why I've already come up with a back-up plan. When I fail, I will do my inverted version of the 2468 diet... my very own 8642 diet. In this diet you eat 800 calories one day, the next day eat 600, then 400, 200 and repeat. I'll do this three times (that's twelve days) and then go back to ABC. If I binge on an 8642 diet day, I will simply overlook that day and continue on as this diet is simply to help with regaining control.
Oh, on a side note... I weighed in this morning at 131.5 lbs.
~cleosparks
To start off with, the ABC diet is a diet that allows you to eat whatever you want in a day whenever you want as long as it stays under (or at) the specified calorie amount for the day. It is 50 days long.
ABC Diet
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Yes, I know this is going to be hard which is why I've already come up with a back-up plan. When I fail, I will do my inverted version of the 2468 diet... my very own 8642 diet. In this diet you eat 800 calories one day, the next day eat 600, then 400, 200 and repeat. I'll do this three times (that's twelve days) and then go back to ABC. If I binge on an 8642 diet day, I will simply overlook that day and continue on as this diet is simply to help with regaining control.
Oh, on a side note... I weighed in this morning at 131.5 lbs.
~cleosparks
| Week | Mon | Tues | Wed | Thurs | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| Week 1 | 500 | 500 | 300 | 400 | 100 | 200 | 300 |
| Week 2 | 400 | 500 | Fast | 150 | 200 | 400 | 350 |
| Week 3 | 250 | 200 | Fast | 200 | 100 | Fast | 300 |
| Week 4 | 250 | 200 | 150 | 100 | 50 | 100 | 200 |
| Week 5 | 200 | 300 | 800 | Fast | 250 | 350 | 450 |
| Week 6 | Fast | 500 | 450 | 400 | 350 | 300 | 250 |
| Week 7 | 200 | 200 | 250 | 200 | 300 | 200 | 150 |
| Week 8 | Fast | Slowly return to a normal diet | |||||
| Week | Mon | Tues | Wed | Thurs | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| Week 1 | 500 | 500 | 300 | 400 | 100 | 200 | 300 |
| Week 2 | 400 | 500 | Fast | 150 | 200 | 400 | 350 |
| Week 3 | 250 | 200 | Fast | 200 | 100 | Fast | 300 |
| Week 4 | 250 | 200 | 150 | 100 | 50 | 100 | 200 |
| Week 5 | 200 | 300 | 800 | Fast | 250 | 350 | 450 |
| Week 6 | Fast | 500 | 450 | 400 | 350 | 300 | 250 |
| Week 7 | 200 | 200 | 250 | 200 | 300 | 200 | 150 |
| Week 8 | Fast | Slowly return to a normal diet | |||||
Friday, 2 March 2012
830
So, I tried to fast today and ended up eating 830 calories. FML right now. Well at least its still a relatively low amount. But still... bleh. I have a new plan of action. Everyday I'll try and eat the same or less calories as the day before. If I screw up and binge then the next day I'll just try and eat less than my record. My record right now is, well 830. I'm going to try and get that or less but it's going to be hard because I have an all day volleyball tournament. But I'll try.
On a different note, my weight is now 130.5 lbs. The same amount it was before when I screwed up and binged. Please don't fuck up, body. Please. I'm so hoping to reach at least 129 lbs by March 7 and I'm so close I can taste it. Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Thursday, 1 March 2012
A Time Limit For My Goal
Today I ate a total of 1084 calories. Ya I know. Shitty day. That being said, I did lose two pounds since yesterday, so I did indulge a little bit. Bad mistake. I hope I don't weigh more tomorrow.
So, let me just get this out on display here. Judge me as you will... but my mom is my reverse-thinspo. Yes I know! I know! I'm a horrible person. But it's true. When I'm thinking of binging until I can't move... I just look at her and see her rolls and legs and suddenly the binge isn't so bad. Yup, right now you're thinking "God, this girl is horrible! I'm never looking at this blog again!" You know what? I don't blame you if you say that. I am a horrible person, but that isn't exactly new information. This is why I've been cursed with the inability to get out of the 130-135 lbs range. I swear, when I get in the 120s, I'm never looking back. Really I hate it. I've been in the 130s for so long, I don't remember what it's like anymore to be 126 lbs.
I've decided to try and reach my second goal weight of under 130 lbs by March seventh. I chose March seventh because my grade is starting swimming unit on that day and I don't want to look as fat as I look right now.
I've got six days. This. Will. Happen.
I'm going to look up more tips and tricks and hopefully collaborate some ideas on how to loose more weight. When I get disciplined enough, I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'm really excited about that. But first I need to learn some more restraint.
As far as life is going right now, I'm becoming more and more crappy and bitchy towards my friends and I feel like I'm oh so slowly pushing them away. I'm also getting to be more careless about things and I'm beginning to not give a shit about things I usually care about.
Plus I'm tired as hell all the time.
Correction: I'm tired as hell on good days when I've been doing some heavy restriction. Hopefully I'll be tired more.
Oh, and here is the best tip I have come across so far. WATER. These websites aren't kidding when they say water helps. I'm telling you it does. I think the fact that I drank two tall glasses of water before bed greatly helped in the amount of weight I had lost over night. I myself will make it a goal of mine to drink two glasses of water in the morning (after I weigh myself) and two glasses of water before bed.
Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
So, let me just get this out on display here. Judge me as you will... but my mom is my reverse-thinspo. Yes I know! I know! I'm a horrible person. But it's true. When I'm thinking of binging until I can't move... I just look at her and see her rolls and legs and suddenly the binge isn't so bad. Yup, right now you're thinking "God, this girl is horrible! I'm never looking at this blog again!" You know what? I don't blame you if you say that. I am a horrible person, but that isn't exactly new information. This is why I've been cursed with the inability to get out of the 130-135 lbs range. I swear, when I get in the 120s, I'm never looking back. Really I hate it. I've been in the 130s for so long, I don't remember what it's like anymore to be 126 lbs.
I've decided to try and reach my second goal weight of under 130 lbs by March seventh. I chose March seventh because my grade is starting swimming unit on that day and I don't want to look as fat as I look right now.
I've got six days. This. Will. Happen.
I'm going to look up more tips and tricks and hopefully collaborate some ideas on how to loose more weight. When I get disciplined enough, I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'm really excited about that. But first I need to learn some more restraint.
As far as life is going right now, I'm becoming more and more crappy and bitchy towards my friends and I feel like I'm oh so slowly pushing them away. I'm also getting to be more careless about things and I'm beginning to not give a shit about things I usually care about.
Plus I'm tired as hell all the time.
Correction: I'm tired as hell on good days when I've been doing some heavy restriction. Hopefully I'll be tired more.
Oh, and here is the best tip I have come across so far. WATER. These websites aren't kidding when they say water helps. I'm telling you it does. I think the fact that I drank two tall glasses of water before bed greatly helped in the amount of weight I had lost over night. I myself will make it a goal of mine to drink two glasses of water in the morning (after I weigh myself) and two glasses of water before bed.
Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
More Counting
So, I didn't have that much to write yesterday. I still weighed 134 lbs and I ate the amount of calories I needed to maintain weight (1700) because I'm a total idiot. You would think I would gain weight after eating so much, but this food actually broke my mini two day plateau of 134 lbs. I'm now 133.5 lbs. Dropping weight once again.
So counting calories is now a habit for me, and today I counted once again.
A bag of ruffles cheddar and cream cheese baked chips 120 calories
One talking rain 0 calories
One Hotrod meat snak 50 calories
Two slices of bread (w/ jam) 195 calories
Half a cucumber 23 calories
Ginger tea (w/ milk) 205 calories
Two Fruit snack... things 350
Total: 943 calories
Up until yesterday, I always ate M&M cookies for lunch at school. They have 250 calories. Then, today I decided that was just too many calories for one sitting. Instead of the M&Ms, I got a bag of chips. Bam! Calorie replacements. Geez I also need to cut out one of the fruit snack things and I'll be good!
So this was a short post. Longer one tomorrow I promise!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
So counting calories is now a habit for me, and today I counted once again.
A bag of ruffles cheddar and cream cheese baked chips 120 calories
One talking rain 0 calories
One Hotrod meat snak 50 calories
Two slices of bread (w/ jam) 195 calories
Half a cucumber 23 calories
Ginger tea (w/ milk) 205 calories
Two Fruit snack... things 350
Total: 943 calories
Up until yesterday, I always ate M&M cookies for lunch at school. They have 250 calories. Then, today I decided that was just too many calories for one sitting. Instead of the M&Ms, I got a bag of chips. Bam! Calorie replacements. Geez I also need to cut out one of the fruit snack things and I'll be good!
So this was a short post. Longer one tomorrow I promise!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Sunday, 26 February 2012
I'm So... Fat.
So, I'm using my mobile app right now and I can't update the about me, but ya I weighed myself this morning. 130.5 lbs.
I would usually be jumping for joy at being so close to a goal weight, but I have a very strong feeling I'll have gained weight tomorrow morning rather than lost it.
So... I ate today. A. Lot. I had a waffle with three strips of bacon and a bit of maple syrup this morning for breakfast. That's really good for that kind of food. Usually when I'm presented with bacon and waffles/eggs, I binge... instantly. But today I controlled myself. Well, at first I did. I went on to have FOUR PB and and J sandwiches... that's right FOUR. After that I had some calorie laden soup. Yay. And after practice just I had two little fruit packet things... 175 calories each. Then I had two more strips of bacon and a shitload of sweet potato fries. I feel like dieing right now. Tomorrow morning when the scale confirms how much of a failure I really am... I probably will go into a form of depression. I might go throw up now if I have the balls for it. Goodbye.
~ cleosparks
I would usually be jumping for joy at being so close to a goal weight, but I have a very strong feeling I'll have gained weight tomorrow morning rather than lost it.
So... I ate today. A. Lot. I had a waffle with three strips of bacon and a bit of maple syrup this morning for breakfast. That's really good for that kind of food. Usually when I'm presented with bacon and waffles/eggs, I binge... instantly. But today I controlled myself. Well, at first I did. I went on to have FOUR PB and and J sandwiches... that's right FOUR. After that I had some calorie laden soup. Yay. And after practice just I had two little fruit packet things... 175 calories each. Then I had two more strips of bacon and a shitload of sweet potato fries. I feel like dieing right now. Tomorrow morning when the scale confirms how much of a failure I really am... I probably will go into a form of depression. I might go throw up now if I have the balls for it. Goodbye.
~ cleosparks
My Happy Family
Dad:
My dad is the chill one in the family. He doesn't get mad very often, but when he does, you'd better watch out. I would guess his BMI is anywhere from 22 to 25. He's nice and healthy and he exercises every other day. A great dad as far as dads go and he's my favourite parent.
Mom:
Mom's always stressed out for some reason or another. My family just moved across the country in September for my dad's job, and because of the move, my mom is currently unemployed. You would think someone who has really no responsibilities would be really calm all day, but it's the exact opposite with my mom. It's almost like she LOOKS for something to be stressed out about. Quite obviously I don't like my mother AT ALL and I avoid her as much as I can. I can't guess at a BMI that's as high as hers probably is, but she's like 5'4" and around 210 lbs. She doesn't exercise and she's unsuccessfully trying to lose weight.
Sister:
Let's call her Ivy from now on as all names in this blog will be changed for the safety of the poor suckers I write about ;). So, Ivy, my older sister, is really annoying. She likes to act as if my brother and I are 3 years old. What's worse is the fact that she thinks she is the equal to my parents. She thinks she can tell my brother and I what we can and can't do and when we can and can't do it. I hate her more than I hate my mom... and I hate my mom a lot. She is about 5'7" or 5'8" and around 275 lbs. She is OBESE with a capital FAT. She's on the Jenny Craig diet and when she started she was 300+ lbs. So yes she has improved. She exercises regularly, but not very much.
Brother:
We'll call him Eddy. Eddy is my favourite sibling and he's also a role model to me in a way. He's about 180 lbs. Before you gasp, that's 180 lbs of pure muscle. He's 6'1" and he has a six pack. He works hard for what he wants. He plays basketball competitively as I play volleyball competitively and he works out everyday for hours. He is in the best physical shape he could possibly be in.
Me:
Cleosparks. Well, obviously my name isn't really Cleosparks, but just as I'm not sharing the names of the people I write about, I'm not sharing mine. Not at least until I'm ready. You know exactly what I weigh through the About Me, and as for my personality... well you'll be the judge of that.
Well that's all my family when you don't count my cat, Cleo. As for her, she's a real cutie with lots of sass. She's 4 years old and counting.
As for the weigh-in and what not, I'll be doing that in a later post.
Thanks for reading as always
xoxox
~ cleosparks
My dad is the chill one in the family. He doesn't get mad very often, but when he does, you'd better watch out. I would guess his BMI is anywhere from 22 to 25. He's nice and healthy and he exercises every other day. A great dad as far as dads go and he's my favourite parent.
Mom:
Mom's always stressed out for some reason or another. My family just moved across the country in September for my dad's job, and because of the move, my mom is currently unemployed. You would think someone who has really no responsibilities would be really calm all day, but it's the exact opposite with my mom. It's almost like she LOOKS for something to be stressed out about. Quite obviously I don't like my mother AT ALL and I avoid her as much as I can. I can't guess at a BMI that's as high as hers probably is, but she's like 5'4" and around 210 lbs. She doesn't exercise and she's unsuccessfully trying to lose weight.
Sister:
Let's call her Ivy from now on as all names in this blog will be changed for the safety of the poor suckers I write about ;). So, Ivy, my older sister, is really annoying. She likes to act as if my brother and I are 3 years old. What's worse is the fact that she thinks she is the equal to my parents. She thinks she can tell my brother and I what we can and can't do and when we can and can't do it. I hate her more than I hate my mom... and I hate my mom a lot. She is about 5'7" or 5'8" and around 275 lbs. She is OBESE with a capital FAT. She's on the Jenny Craig diet and when she started she was 300+ lbs. So yes she has improved. She exercises regularly, but not very much.
Brother:
We'll call him Eddy. Eddy is my favourite sibling and he's also a role model to me in a way. He's about 180 lbs. Before you gasp, that's 180 lbs of pure muscle. He's 6'1" and he has a six pack. He works hard for what he wants. He plays basketball competitively as I play volleyball competitively and he works out everyday for hours. He is in the best physical shape he could possibly be in.
Me:
Cleosparks. Well, obviously my name isn't really Cleosparks, but just as I'm not sharing the names of the people I write about, I'm not sharing mine. Not at least until I'm ready. You know exactly what I weigh through the About Me, and as for my personality... well you'll be the judge of that.
Well that's all my family when you don't count my cat, Cleo. As for her, she's a real cutie with lots of sass. She's 4 years old and counting.
As for the weigh-in and what not, I'll be doing that in a later post.
Thanks for reading as always
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Saturday, 25 February 2012
Sleepover
Well, hello again. Sorry for the whole "didn't post yesterday" thing, but I was quite busy. Really, I'm sorry! But I'm going to fill you in on what you missed and what I plan on doing today.
So, let's start with yesterday morning. I weighed myself and I lost 1.5 lbs! Yes! I got down to 132.5 lbs. But, the thing is, I went to my volleyball team's team sleepover thing last night/this morning, and sleepovers usually translate to a lot of food. Luckily enough, I did not binge, but I did eat more than I would like to admit. Jeez, that was a mistake! I'm very scared to weigh myself this afternoon since I've already eaten, so I'm skipping weighing today. I'm just to scared for this... I don't know how I'll deal with it if I gained too much weight and ended up back over my first goal weight!
On another note, I'm going to hit the treadmill tonight for 35 minutes since I don't have practise today and I vowed to do that whenever I didn't have practise! I will stick with my vow! I promise!
Also, I'll try not to eat again today until around 4:30ish and then I will stick to my one fruit rule after my workout. I can still save my weight! Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I got my first comment ever! It was from kindofana! Check her out! Thanks so much kindofana!
So, let's start with yesterday morning. I weighed myself and I lost 1.5 lbs! Yes! I got down to 132.5 lbs. But, the thing is, I went to my volleyball team's team sleepover thing last night/this morning, and sleepovers usually translate to a lot of food. Luckily enough, I did not binge, but I did eat more than I would like to admit. Jeez, that was a mistake! I'm very scared to weigh myself this afternoon since I've already eaten, so I'm skipping weighing today. I'm just to scared for this... I don't know how I'll deal with it if I gained too much weight and ended up back over my first goal weight!
On another note, I'm going to hit the treadmill tonight for 35 minutes since I don't have practise today and I vowed to do that whenever I didn't have practise! I will stick with my vow! I promise!
Also, I'll try not to eat again today until around 4:30ish and then I will stick to my one fruit rule after my workout. I can still save my weight! Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I got my first comment ever! It was from kindofana! Check her out! Thanks so much kindofana!
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
So... Goal Weight One Reached!
So, this post is a bit more informative. I've finally put my stats up in the about me section! So, this is less "hey guys I'm too lazy to post legible material" and more "hey guys this is my plan and this is what I've done so far."
So. I suck at exercise. I can't do it. I hate it. But yesterday and the day before I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and somehow lost a pound (which lead to reaching my first goal weight), and today I had volleyball practice which lasted 2 hours as usual. Usually before I would eat as much as I could after a practice, but today with my refreshed pro-ana mind set, I only grabbed a banana and that was it! I'm going to bed hungry which is always good.
I'm going to follow a new excercise regimen. This week I spend 35 minutes on the treadmill everyday I don't have practice on. I am limited to eating one fruit after every one of these sessions including volleyball practices (3 sometimes 4 days a week). Next will be the same except my treadmill sessions will be lengthened to 45 minutes. The week after 55. Then 65 and so on.
Along with this I will also try to eat as little as possible throughout the day and I must try my best to go to bed hungry. I should not under any circumstances go to bed feeling full.
WISH ME LUCK!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
So. I suck at exercise. I can't do it. I hate it. But yesterday and the day before I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and somehow lost a pound (which lead to reaching my first goal weight), and today I had volleyball practice which lasted 2 hours as usual. Usually before I would eat as much as I could after a practice, but today with my refreshed pro-ana mind set, I only grabbed a banana and that was it! I'm going to bed hungry which is always good.
I'm going to follow a new excercise regimen. This week I spend 35 minutes on the treadmill everyday I don't have practice on. I am limited to eating one fruit after every one of these sessions including volleyball practices (3 sometimes 4 days a week). Next will be the same except my treadmill sessions will be lengthened to 45 minutes. The week after 55. Then 65 and so on.
Along with this I will also try to eat as little as possible throughout the day and I must try my best to go to bed hungry. I should not under any circumstances go to bed feeling full.
WISH ME LUCK!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Geez I've Been Super Busy...
Thus, I have been unable to put up stats or really publish any new material. So here are my basic stats:
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 135 lbs
HW: 140 lbs
LW: 126 lbs
BMI: 21.8
GW1: under 135 lbs []
GW2: under 130 lbs []
GW3: under 126 lbs []
GW4: under 120 lbs []
GW5: under 118 lbs []
GW6: under 114 lbs []
UGW: happiness
So I hope you've learned even a little bit about me through the stats up there, and just wanted to let you know that I will start posting regularly and with actual content quite soon :)
Stay tuned!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I will move those stats to the about me soon when I'm not feeling so lazy ;P
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 135 lbs
HW: 140 lbs
LW: 126 lbs
BMI: 21.8
GW1: under 135 lbs []
GW2: under 130 lbs []
GW3: under 126 lbs []
GW4: under 120 lbs []
GW5: under 118 lbs []
GW6: under 114 lbs []
UGW: happiness
So I hope you've learned even a little bit about me through the stats up there, and just wanted to let you know that I will start posting regularly and with actual content quite soon :)
Stay tuned!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
P.S. I will move those stats to the about me soon when I'm not feeling so lazy ;P
Monday, 20 February 2012
A New Beginning Calls For a New Blog
So, I am definitely not newly pro-ana. I've been pro-ana since summer 2011. So I can say I've been pro-ana for roughly half a year. Over this seven-ish months time frame, I have lost ambition several times. So, I lose weight, then I gain it all back. It really is disgusting, all this fat rolling around on my tummy and legs. :(
That being said, I just recently (last night actually) re-found ana. I just decided that I would find her again and there she was.
So, now, with the help of this blog I'm just now starting, I hope to reach all my goals quite soon. :D
Stats will be posted later today!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
That being said, I just recently (last night actually) re-found ana. I just decided that I would find her again and there she was.
So, now, with the help of this blog I'm just now starting, I hope to reach all my goals quite soon. :D
Stats will be posted later today!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
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