Anxiety

 Today's going to be hard. Not because of fear of binging (I don't really get that urge any more), but because everyone is home. I don't know if I mentioned it already, but my sister and parents work only on weekdays. Not only did I not get the chance to weigh myself today (the only accurate scale in the house is in my parents' room), but I know my parents will make me eat.
 First off, I'm suffering from some extreme anxiety right about now because I have know idea how much I weigh. I probably lost, but I feel fat. So, what if, in the off chance that I didn't lose, I somehow magically gained 3.5 lbs and went back to 142? I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW! This can't be good for my mental health.
 Also, I mentioned in my last post (more like ranted) that my dad's fancy party is tonight. We rented a hall, got waiters and everything. I just know that we'll be expected to eat there.
 In the perfect world, I would just not eat until the event to prevent as much weight gain as possible and maybe possibly look like less of a cow in the dress. But, as I mentioned, everyone is home today and I can already here my mom cooking breakfast. Dammit. Why does everyone feel the need to eat all the time?
 Well, I'm going to fast as much as is possible with my entire family at home, and hopefully on monday (the next chance I'll have to weigh myself), I'll at least have maintained. Hopefully. I'm like fucking praying right now that I don't weigh myself and see 139, or worse yet, 140+
 Oh my God, ya I'm gonna stop thinking like that because it is causing deep emotional distress. My hand is literally shaking... I don't know how to deal with life right now. It totally sucks ass.
~ Cleosparks

Dormant Weight

 Yesterday, as we all know, was Father's Day :( ... Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but on special occasions, people tend to want to go out and eat. I don't know why. It's stupid. We should spend time together sitting around and reminiscing, not stuffing our faces. But, I guess all of the human race has a fat man mentality. So, I found myself sitting in Montana's with my mom, dad, sister and brother, stuffing my face. I ate like a cow. Disgusting.
 So, this morning, I weighed myself. I was disgusted by what I saw on the scale. A shocking 141 lbs. Ya, I know, it's gross. I hated myself all the way to school and back. When I got home about thirty minutes ago, I weighed myself again, hoping the outcome would be better because I had only a slice of pizza for lunch. I smiled at the scale, still too heavy, but better than a pound and a half of gained weight. 140 lbs. Feeling depressed about the extra half a pound I would now have to lose, I took a shower and then pee'd. In a flash of hope, I went back to weigh myself in shorts and a t-shirt, 139.5. Admittedly, it's not as low as I hoped it would be, but now I could confidently say that my weight remained the same as yesterday.
 So, now I sit here eating my last meal (hopefully) of the day at 4:22 pm. Two slices of bread and some honey with a cup of hot tea. I used to hate tea before I realised it made me lose weight faster. There's tip number two: drink your tea.
 Oh! I almost forgot! The nineteenth of the month is tomorrow! I'm going on a twenty-four hour faster starting at 12 am tomorrow. I'm so excited and I really believe I can do it.
 Wish me luck and thanks for reading,
 ~ cleosparks