Okay, so after yesterday, I got really scared about the binge, so I looked up what to do after words and found this. In the comment section, I found this comment:
"I also find this method really helpful when ABOUT to binge. If you wanna skip the little intro go ahead to the ****
So you know that moment before the binge? There's always that moment where you THINK about the food, and what it would be like to have it, then there's another moment where you decide to give in, and you become very excited at the idea of delving into all that food - excited, almost anxious.
(Telling you guys... WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN! those are the feelings I feel when about to binge).
And then I sort of devour the food, and look for the next available source... and eat and eat and slowly the pleasure starts to wear away after you've tasted all that food. You start to think, now that I've had FOOD A and FOOD B... and c and d... what ever, what's the next step? You already feel guilty for indulging. So you repeat - and eat more A and B and C.. at least thats what I do. Until I'm so full I feel sick!
****
So here's something I find really helpful when I feel about to just give in and eat everything in sight. First off, I do a bit of acting here and there, so believing and imagining is part of my every day life. This really helps me when it comes to my little enemy... the binge. So... I sit down and ENVISION myself eating all that food. Really try to imagine it, the first few bites, then this, then that, then eating more. The smooth texture of food melting in your mouth. The cheesy garlic bread, the crispy potato chips, the sweet, creamy (or doughy) ice cream, the cakey brownie, the soft frosting, the chewy or crunchy cookies melting....
Its awesome, right?? You're eating (without excess calories) IN YOUR MIND! But wait that's not it. Sure, its awesome. By this time, you've had the bread, the cookie, the crisps, the fries, the ice cream, the cake, what ever... Now what? I mean you just blew your diet. You JUST ATE 2000+ CALORIES in one sitting! GUILT settles in. Solution? EAT MORE. Before, you may have just been bored or hungry but now, its turned into emotional binge eating. See how it cycles? So you become angry - sad - you keep eating until you are sick - your all bloated and you feel your temperature up, your heart pulsing faster and faster as it tries to metabolise the colossal amount of calories you just ate (carbs, fats, whatever). You know your going to be crying over this for days, and working your little butt off in the gym for the next week. Now STOP.
Come back to reality. You're sitting on the couch, ready to grab that donut or bread and scarf the damn thing down. But stop, because you have just, succesfully, ENVISIONED a binge - not JUST the tastes of food, but the EMOTIONS. The positives and negatives. Now..... Look at yourself. PRE binge. After all that in your mind... aren't you glad you didn't do it in real life? You sure you still wanna binge and feel those negative emotions for the next..oh... week or so?"
Um... What the hell!? This is amazing! I'm just going to read this every time I want to binge or give up. Put the basic principle of the exercise into everything I do. Fucking genius.
Anyway, this morning I weighed myself. 133 lbs. Half a pound lost :) I'm just happy I didn't gain. No more binging for me. Not for a while.
Also, since I lost weight, I saw no reason to do the liquid fast as that's a way to lose more weight faster after a pretty powerful binge.
Since I'm a crazy nut, I researched basically everything that has to do with binging and how to lessen the effects and how to prevent it... etc. And I learned a lot about water retention and how it affects you. The fact that I haven't been drinking very much water is to blame for passing out and cutting my elbow, the fact that I have yet to drop a duke (four days and counting people -_-), my stomach looks all bloated and gross all the time, and my slowing pace in weightloss.
Moral of the story: drink water. And lots of it.
Today's goal is (surprise, surprise) under 500 calories.
Wish me luck
~ Cleosparks
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Friday, 10 August 2012
Random Irrelevance
I've had 289 calories so far today. It's about 3:00. I'm not going to eat until I'm sure my mom's not making some kind of dinner. A lot of times in the past couple days, I'll reach my calorie limit and think, "Well, I'm done." And then my sister feeds me a granola bar. Ya I really don't wanna go over 500. It's kinda scary. Ugh, I feel so bleh right now. I hate my tummy! It's so fat, and my thighs, and my hips, and my face.... The only thing I like is my arms, as I've said in the past, they're skinny and when I lose weight, I lose it in my arms first, then the rest of me.
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
I went back to my old posts and found that my start weight (since starting this blog, not since I first went ana), is 3.5 lbs lower than I am right now. Ya sort of depressing to think that in the half a year-ish that I began this blog, I've gained and not lost. But thinking more optimistically, I also grew 1.5 inches, so my bmi is actually lower now by 0.4. Cool.
I'm still sort of hating myself today. Ugh, why am I so fat! Even in Piggy's challenge that I mentioned before, all the girls have a bmi of like 18.8 and my fat ass put up my stats and at the time, I was 21.7. Ugh, I felt so insecure putting up my stats when all these girls are so gorgeously thin. Meh, the more I think, the more I hate myself.
I want to be like them!! So, I'm going to change the stats on the side bar. It will now include GBMIs and GWs seperately because a lot of my goals are meshed randomly. It will most likely help me stay on track. Yay.
LOL I'll probably post like ten more times before today even ends.
~ Cleosparks
Feeling Damn Good
Before I get on with things, I just want to apologize for the really epic post a couple of hours ago. ;) It was super freaking long, but hey I'm passionate on the topic and I was pissed off and partially delusional from my lack of sleep. Still am. I didn't get a single minute of sleep and I usually get 6-8 hours so right now I feel... like shit.
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
Also, at around 4:00 am (It's 8:30 ish right now), I felt probably the worse hunger I've ever felt in my life. I think throughout this entire blog, back to day one, I've never been so hungry, yet not craving anything. This was real hunger. It wasn't just that I wanted food. My stomach was basically imploding on itself, and I was just like, "'Ey yo, Stomach! Shut the fuck up!" I totally rejected it.
So I guess that not running to the kitchen and throwing myself in a swirl of cereal and guilt, never to return again, paid off. I weighed myself about half an hour ago and I'm 138.5 lbs! Yay, half a pound down!
Right now I'm super hungry, but I'm riding it out and waiting for the pills to kick in. They work pretty damn fast. Alright, tip time. This is how I've been keeping up these last two or three days:
1. Reverse Thinspo
Oh my gosh, looking at reverse thinspo is more effective to me than looking at regular, stick thin thinspo. With regular thinspo, I just feel bad about myself basically. But with reverse, especially the under 200 lbs more realistic kind, I just think to myself, If I binge, I could end up like this. Brilliant.
2. My Body Gallery
I already mentioned this one in an earlier post. Totally brilliant! Just look up girls with your height and UGW and just think to yourself, if I keep it up, I'll look like her.
3. Blogs
When in doubt, read pro-ana blogs. Read until you can't see. They're so inspiring, and I'm frantically searching for more and more active blogs to follow to keep up with the community.
4. Buddy
Get yourself a buddy. I personally don't have a buddy right now, but check out this. The tips are really lame, but the last time I checked, there are constantly people in the comments looking for buddies. And skip past all the Facebook hater comments and go straight to the actual site comments. Good luck!
Today's goal for me is under 500 calories. Haha yes big stretch from my goal of 1000 a couple of days ago.
Wish me luck!!
~ Cleosparks
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Considering Things...
This morning, I weighed myself (as usual) and almost burst into tears. Happy tears! 139.5 lbs! Holy crap! How the heck did I lose 1.5 lbs? I barely expected to lose half a pound. In fact, I would have been happy to just maintain as long as I didn't gain any more weight. But, hey, I'm not complaining. GW 2 finally reached! I'm under 140 lbs!
I decided a couple of posts ago to change my goal to 130 lbs by September 4th instead of 120. So that gives me about 26 days to lose 9.5 lbs. That doesn't sound too hard. If I lose that much by August 21st, then I'll consider lowering it back to 120 lbs. But I have to see how today goes before I make any final decisions. Yesterday could have just been a fluke for all I know.
Nevertheless, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
I decided a couple of posts ago to change my goal to 130 lbs by September 4th instead of 120. So that gives me about 26 days to lose 9.5 lbs. That doesn't sound too hard. If I lose that much by August 21st, then I'll consider lowering it back to 120 lbs. But I have to see how today goes before I make any final decisions. Yesterday could have just been a fluke for all I know.
Nevertheless, wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
A New Ultimate Goal Weight
I'm sure right about now would be time for the half-assed attempt to explain my absence. But, not this time. Think of it this way, I've been away for much longer periods of time than two weeks in the past. So, I've actually been getting better at reducing the amount of time I spend away from the blog. Haha, sure ya, let's think of it that way.
But, anyways, I did a little bit of what you could consider to be research two days ago. You see, I think I have an ultimate goal weight in mind. 120 lbs. That is what I'm striving for. 120 lbs would put me at a clean 18.5 bmi. Borderline underweight, perfect.
So, I have a theory. If I eat the calories needed for the RMR of my future 120 lbs self, I'll definitely lose weight. And, in theory, I should begin to maintain once I reach 120 lbs as long as I eat the amount of calories that my RMR suggests.
Well, all that is well and good, but, right now I'm sort of running a tight schedule. You see, yesterday I weighed myself and I was 142 lbs. Yikes. The goal is to get down to 120 lbs. That would mean I would have to lose 22 lbs. If I eat what my future RMR suggests, then I will no doubt eventually reach that weight... But it would take a while. I sort of want to be that weight on the first day of school. September fourth. Including yesterday, that only gave me 37 days.
So, in 37 days, I've got to lose 22 lbs. Well since today is day 2 and I've lost one pound, I have 36 days to lose 21 lbs. That means I will have to eat less than I planned and exercise more if I want to lose it in the amount of time I gave myself.
By the way, the RMR for me if I were 120 lbs is 1436 calories. So, yesterday's goal was to just stay under that amount. I succeded, I ended up eating 1337 calories. I also ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 300 calories. I woke up today one pound lighter.
Since yesterday was a success, I'm lowering my goal intake to under 1300 calories instead of under 1436 calories.
If I continue to lose a pound a day, I should get to my ultimate goal weight by September fourth!
Wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
But, anyways, I did a little bit of what you could consider to be research two days ago. You see, I think I have an ultimate goal weight in mind. 120 lbs. That is what I'm striving for. 120 lbs would put me at a clean 18.5 bmi. Borderline underweight, perfect.
So, I have a theory. If I eat the calories needed for the RMR of my future 120 lbs self, I'll definitely lose weight. And, in theory, I should begin to maintain once I reach 120 lbs as long as I eat the amount of calories that my RMR suggests.
Well, all that is well and good, but, right now I'm sort of running a tight schedule. You see, yesterday I weighed myself and I was 142 lbs. Yikes. The goal is to get down to 120 lbs. That would mean I would have to lose 22 lbs. If I eat what my future RMR suggests, then I will no doubt eventually reach that weight... But it would take a while. I sort of want to be that weight on the first day of school. September fourth. Including yesterday, that only gave me 37 days.
So, in 37 days, I've got to lose 22 lbs. Well since today is day 2 and I've lost one pound, I have 36 days to lose 21 lbs. That means I will have to eat less than I planned and exercise more if I want to lose it in the amount of time I gave myself.
By the way, the RMR for me if I were 120 lbs is 1436 calories. So, yesterday's goal was to just stay under that amount. I succeded, I ended up eating 1337 calories. I also ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes and burned 300 calories. I woke up today one pound lighter.
Since yesterday was a success, I'm lowering my goal intake to under 1300 calories instead of under 1436 calories.
If I continue to lose a pound a day, I should get to my ultimate goal weight by September fourth!
Wish me luck!
~ Cleosparks
Thursday, 21 June 2012
138.5
I didn't fast on Tuesday... or yesterday, or today. I've been away for a bit, mainly because of finals, but I decided to do a quick post today because I didn't wanna leave the people hanging.
Let me start with Tuesday. I was going just fine, and it was smooth sailing through my first exam with not a single calorie. Then after the exam (on which I got an 89% with no studying (; ), A couple of friends dragged me off to McDonald's where I ate so much food. It was so gross that I feared weighing myself yesterday... so I didn't.
Yesterday was much like Tuesday except I ate even more food. It's actually disturbing to think about really. I was truly disgusted with myself and still am I guess. I just wish I could redo the last couple of days and fix things, but hey, it is what it is.
So, I weighed myself this morning and weighed in at 140 lbs! I know! Gross! But then I weighed myself again after taking off my sweater and sweatpants and weighed in at 138.5 lbs. Oh thank the gods. That could have been so bad, but it turned out, miracles were working their magic for me to have lost weight after a two day binge fest. So, after I got home from school, I ate some ice cream. That's it. Just some ice cream. No more than 400-500 calories just to be on the safe side. That compared to my 2000-3000 calories the last couple of days is splendid. I'm sure I'll weigh less tomorrow morning and I'm really excited to see how much I weigh. I will definitely meet my goal of 136 lbs by July 4th. I can. I hope.
Untill next time,
~ cleosparks
Let me start with Tuesday. I was going just fine, and it was smooth sailing through my first exam with not a single calorie. Then after the exam (on which I got an 89% with no studying (; ), A couple of friends dragged me off to McDonald's where I ate so much food. It was so gross that I feared weighing myself yesterday... so I didn't.
Yesterday was much like Tuesday except I ate even more food. It's actually disturbing to think about really. I was truly disgusted with myself and still am I guess. I just wish I could redo the last couple of days and fix things, but hey, it is what it is.
So, I weighed myself this morning and weighed in at 140 lbs! I know! Gross! But then I weighed myself again after taking off my sweater and sweatpants and weighed in at 138.5 lbs. Oh thank the gods. That could have been so bad, but it turned out, miracles were working their magic for me to have lost weight after a two day binge fest. So, after I got home from school, I ate some ice cream. That's it. Just some ice cream. No more than 400-500 calories just to be on the safe side. That compared to my 2000-3000 calories the last couple of days is splendid. I'm sure I'll weigh less tomorrow morning and I'm really excited to see how much I weigh. I will definitely meet my goal of 136 lbs by July 4th. I can. I hope.
Untill next time,
~ cleosparks
Monday, 18 June 2012
Dormant Weight
Yesterday, as we all know, was Father's Day :( ... Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but on special occasions, people tend to want to go out and eat. I don't know why. It's stupid. We should spend time together sitting around and reminiscing, not stuffing our faces. But, I guess all of the human race has a fat man mentality. So, I found myself sitting in Montana's with my mom, dad, sister and brother, stuffing my face. I ate like a cow. Disgusting.
So, this morning, I weighed myself. I was disgusted by what I saw on the scale. A shocking 141 lbs. Ya, I know, it's gross. I hated myself all the way to school and back. When I got home about thirty minutes ago, I weighed myself again, hoping the outcome would be better because I had only a slice of pizza for lunch. I smiled at the scale, still too heavy, but better than a pound and a half of gained weight. 140 lbs. Feeling depressed about the extra half a pound I would now have to lose, I took a shower and then pee'd. In a flash of hope, I went back to weigh myself in shorts and a t-shirt, 139.5. Admittedly, it's not as low as I hoped it would be, but now I could confidently say that my weight remained the same as yesterday.
So, now I sit here eating my last meal (hopefully) of the day at 4:22 pm. Two slices of bread and some honey with a cup of hot tea. I used to hate tea before I realised it made me lose weight faster. There's tip number two: drink your tea.
Oh! I almost forgot! The nineteenth of the month is tomorrow! I'm going on a twenty-four hour faster starting at 12 am tomorrow. I'm so excited and I really believe I can do it.
Wish me luck and thanks for reading,
~ cleosparks
So, this morning, I weighed myself. I was disgusted by what I saw on the scale. A shocking 141 lbs. Ya, I know, it's gross. I hated myself all the way to school and back. When I got home about thirty minutes ago, I weighed myself again, hoping the outcome would be better because I had only a slice of pizza for lunch. I smiled at the scale, still too heavy, but better than a pound and a half of gained weight. 140 lbs. Feeling depressed about the extra half a pound I would now have to lose, I took a shower and then pee'd. In a flash of hope, I went back to weigh myself in shorts and a t-shirt, 139.5. Admittedly, it's not as low as I hoped it would be, but now I could confidently say that my weight remained the same as yesterday.
So, now I sit here eating my last meal (hopefully) of the day at 4:22 pm. Two slices of bread and some honey with a cup of hot tea. I used to hate tea before I realised it made me lose weight faster. There's tip number two: drink your tea.
Oh! I almost forgot! The nineteenth of the month is tomorrow! I'm going on a twenty-four hour faster starting at 12 am tomorrow. I'm so excited and I really believe I can do it.
Wish me luck and thanks for reading,
~ cleosparks
Friday, 15 June 2012
Crystal Light, Water, and Weight Loss
So, I weighed myself wearing sunshine shorts and a sleeveless shirt and I weighed... DUH DUH DUH DUUUUH.... 140 lbs! Yay! Ive lost a total of six pounds in eleven days which totals at around half a pound a day. So about 3.5 ish pounds a week. Hmm, interesting.
Well, anyways, it's about 11:45 am where I live and of course I haven't eaten yet (I've disciplined myself to never ever eat breakfast). So, I plan on eating breakfast in fifteen to forty-five minutes. I'm trying to slowly push back my first meal so that it will be easier to fast on the nineteenth (five days!). Ever since June 4th, I've been eating my first meal of the day at 12:00 pm on the nose, so I'm aiming for 12:30 today. I'm a little apprehensive to be honest. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Will my body immediately start to complain once it realises that I'm not on schedule? Will I get overwhelmed by cravings and binge? Will I have regretted waiting thirty extra minutes? Well, let's wait and find out.
On another note, I've already consumed 130 calories today. All of which were in fluids obviously, because I don't eat breakfast.
Hot chocolate: 120
Crystal Light (Love this stuff): 10
I weighed myself after I drank the hot chocolate and before I drank the crystal light. Actually, I'm sipping on the crystal right now.
I feel like I should disclose a tip that you've probably heard a hundred times, but it really truly works. DRINK YOUR FREAKING WATER PEOPLE. Really think about how much water you drink in a day. Lots of people only drink a glass. That's because those people are eating foods with water in them. If you cut out the food (fruits, meats, yogurt, even fast foods like milkshakes and cheeseburgers), your body is being severely deprived of fluids. Think of it this way. You need to make up for the lack of food you consume with an abundance of water! Make sense? No complaining! Start simple with two glasses of water a day. One when you wake up an one before bed. Then work your way up! Eventually, you'll want to get to anywhere from six to nine glasses of water a day. It works brilliantly! You lose more weight. You feel less hungry. Your stomach gets flatter. Trust me, if you drink water like you're stocking up for a trip across the Sahara dessert, you'll look like a freaking model after a couple of months, I guarantee it. Bored? Drink water. Tired? Drink water. Feeling restless? Drink water. Hungry? Drink water. You can thank me later.
Have no fear, my rant is over. :P But really, drink some freaking water people!
Talk to y'all later! Much LOVE!
~ Cleosparks
Well, anyways, it's about 11:45 am where I live and of course I haven't eaten yet (I've disciplined myself to never ever eat breakfast). So, I plan on eating breakfast in fifteen to forty-five minutes. I'm trying to slowly push back my first meal so that it will be easier to fast on the nineteenth (five days!). Ever since June 4th, I've been eating my first meal of the day at 12:00 pm on the nose, so I'm aiming for 12:30 today. I'm a little apprehensive to be honest. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Will my body immediately start to complain once it realises that I'm not on schedule? Will I get overwhelmed by cravings and binge? Will I have regretted waiting thirty extra minutes? Well, let's wait and find out.
On another note, I've already consumed 130 calories today. All of which were in fluids obviously, because I don't eat breakfast.
Hot chocolate: 120
Crystal Light (Love this stuff): 10
I weighed myself after I drank the hot chocolate and before I drank the crystal light. Actually, I'm sipping on the crystal right now.
I feel like I should disclose a tip that you've probably heard a hundred times, but it really truly works. DRINK YOUR FREAKING WATER PEOPLE. Really think about how much water you drink in a day. Lots of people only drink a glass. That's because those people are eating foods with water in them. If you cut out the food (fruits, meats, yogurt, even fast foods like milkshakes and cheeseburgers), your body is being severely deprived of fluids. Think of it this way. You need to make up for the lack of food you consume with an abundance of water! Make sense? No complaining! Start simple with two glasses of water a day. One when you wake up an one before bed. Then work your way up! Eventually, you'll want to get to anywhere from six to nine glasses of water a day. It works brilliantly! You lose more weight. You feel less hungry. Your stomach gets flatter. Trust me, if you drink water like you're stocking up for a trip across the Sahara dessert, you'll look like a freaking model after a couple of months, I guarantee it. Bored? Drink water. Tired? Drink water. Feeling restless? Drink water. Hungry? Drink water. You can thank me later.
Have no fear, my rant is over. :P But really, drink some freaking water people!
Talk to y'all later! Much LOVE!
~ Cleosparks
That Familiar Feeling
I did... OK yesterday. There was a moderate binge, but I didn't eat breakfast and had a smaller lunch. I hope I didn't gain weight or even maintain for that matter. It would really suck if I got thrown off schedule and couldn't meet 136 lbs by the deadline I set for myself (July 4th). So that familiar feeling of anxiety and stress when I'm not sure what I weigh is setting in again. It's good to be back!
On another note, I plan on doing a fast on June 19th. One full day water fast. June 19th is halfway between my start date (June 4th, 146 lbs) and my deadline (July 4th, hopefully 136 lbs), so I figured it would be a good day to test the waters and see how well I can handle a fast. I must admit, I'm scared that I'll just fuck up and binge and that would totally suck. I really hope I still have the discipline I had before.
So, finals are starting up for me next week Wednesday. I've missed the last three days of school due to a cold, and something tells me that their teaching some crucial things on days I'm missing. That would suck really bad because I'm fairly sure I'm not going to do very well in the first place. I haven't even started studying yet and I haven't made plans to at all. I know deep down that I'm not going to end up studying for these stupid exams at all. Whatever. I'm an honours student already so a couple poorly done exams shouldn't hurt that badly. Fuck it, I'm so beyond caring anyway.
Well it's really nice to be blogging again. I'll probably post again in a couple of hours as I have nothing I'd rather be doing anyway. My social life has ceased to exist ever since I pinned that socialization = consumption of calories. My blog is basically my best friend.
Much love,
~ cleosparks
On another note, I plan on doing a fast on June 19th. One full day water fast. June 19th is halfway between my start date (June 4th, 146 lbs) and my deadline (July 4th, hopefully 136 lbs), so I figured it would be a good day to test the waters and see how well I can handle a fast. I must admit, I'm scared that I'll just fuck up and binge and that would totally suck. I really hope I still have the discipline I had before.
So, finals are starting up for me next week Wednesday. I've missed the last three days of school due to a cold, and something tells me that their teaching some crucial things on days I'm missing. That would suck really bad because I'm fairly sure I'm not going to do very well in the first place. I haven't even started studying yet and I haven't made plans to at all. I know deep down that I'm not going to end up studying for these stupid exams at all. Whatever. I'm an honours student already so a couple poorly done exams shouldn't hurt that badly. Fuck it, I'm so beyond caring anyway.
Well it's really nice to be blogging again. I'll probably post again in a couple of hours as I have nothing I'd rather be doing anyway. My social life has ceased to exist ever since I pinned that socialization = consumption of calories. My blog is basically my best friend.
Much love,
~ cleosparks
Thursday, 14 June 2012
It's Been So Long
It's been so long since I last updated. Like literally months. I missed this blog like crazy, but never fear, I have a pretty legitimate reason for having left. My parents. They found out about... everything. They read my blog. Every single word. They told me all this stuff about how anorexia is a disease and how I could die and all this stuff I already know. I felt like shit to be honest. They told me to shut it all down. I didn't.
I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks
I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Almost Binges and Almost Tears
Well... I have some very bad news. This morning, I weighed myself on a very empty stomach- as in VERY empty. No waste... I dropped a duke. On my empty as can be stomach I weighed 134 lbs. 134 LBS. A gain of 3.5 lbs in a week-ish. Of course I'm unhappy about that, but I'm trying. I won't beat myself up too much and I'm going to lose the weight I've gained; one pound at a time.
Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
All that being said...
Wish me luck
~ cleosparks
P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!
Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
All that being said...
Wish me luck
~ cleosparks
P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
I'm Sorry
I'm sorry I keep not posting. I guess it's because I've been feeling less and less happy the healthier I get (as odd as that sounds) and I've been feeling sorry for myself among other things. I'm too scared to weigh myself as I'm sure I've gained weight since that stupid meal plan was started. Volleyball has got me eating more, but I know I can't blame volleyball for my excessive binging over the last seven days.
Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks
Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Easy as ABC
I'm starting the ABC diet tomorrow. It is the most popular diet in the pro-ana universe up there with 2468 and SGD. Well, at least that's my take with this. I plan to complete as much of ABC as I can. Once I reach my limit and fail- I assume I'll do this within a day or two- I'll switch to my inverted version of the 2468 diet for 12 days and then try the ABC again.
To start off with, the ABC diet is a diet that allows you to eat whatever you want in a day whenever you want as long as it stays under (or at) the specified calorie amount for the day. It is 50 days long.
ABC Diet
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Yes, I know this is going to be hard which is why I've already come up with a back-up plan. When I fail, I will do my inverted version of the 2468 diet... my very own 8642 diet. In this diet you eat 800 calories one day, the next day eat 600, then 400, 200 and repeat. I'll do this three times (that's twelve days) and then go back to ABC. If I binge on an 8642 diet day, I will simply overlook that day and continue on as this diet is simply to help with regaining control.
Oh, on a side note... I weighed in this morning at 131.5 lbs.
~cleosparks
To start off with, the ABC diet is a diet that allows you to eat whatever you want in a day whenever you want as long as it stays under (or at) the specified calorie amount for the day. It is 50 days long.
ABC Diet
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Yes, I know this is going to be hard which is why I've already come up with a back-up plan. When I fail, I will do my inverted version of the 2468 diet... my very own 8642 diet. In this diet you eat 800 calories one day, the next day eat 600, then 400, 200 and repeat. I'll do this three times (that's twelve days) and then go back to ABC. If I binge on an 8642 diet day, I will simply overlook that day and continue on as this diet is simply to help with regaining control.
Oh, on a side note... I weighed in this morning at 131.5 lbs.
~cleosparks
| Week | Mon | Tues | Wed | Thurs | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| Week 1 | 500 | 500 | 300 | 400 | 100 | 200 | 300 |
| Week 2 | 400 | 500 | Fast | 150 | 200 | 400 | 350 |
| Week 3 | 250 | 200 | Fast | 200 | 100 | Fast | 300 |
| Week 4 | 250 | 200 | 150 | 100 | 50 | 100 | 200 |
| Week 5 | 200 | 300 | 800 | Fast | 250 | 350 | 450 |
| Week 6 | Fast | 500 | 450 | 400 | 350 | 300 | 250 |
| Week 7 | 200 | 200 | 250 | 200 | 300 | 200 | 150 |
| Week 8 | Fast | Slowly return to a normal diet | |||||
| Week | Mon | Tues | Wed | Thurs | Fri | Sat | Sun |
| Week 1 | 500 | 500 | 300 | 400 | 100 | 200 | 300 |
| Week 2 | 400 | 500 | Fast | 150 | 200 | 400 | 350 |
| Week 3 | 250 | 200 | Fast | 200 | 100 | Fast | 300 |
| Week 4 | 250 | 200 | 150 | 100 | 50 | 100 | 200 |
| Week 5 | 200 | 300 | 800 | Fast | 250 | 350 | 450 |
| Week 6 | Fast | 500 | 450 | 400 | 350 | 300 | 250 |
| Week 7 | 200 | 200 | 250 | 200 | 300 | 200 | 150 |
| Week 8 | Fast | Slowly return to a normal diet | |||||
Friday, 2 March 2012
830
So, I tried to fast today and ended up eating 830 calories. FML right now. Well at least its still a relatively low amount. But still... bleh. I have a new plan of action. Everyday I'll try and eat the same or less calories as the day before. If I screw up and binge then the next day I'll just try and eat less than my record. My record right now is, well 830. I'm going to try and get that or less but it's going to be hard because I have an all day volleyball tournament. But I'll try.
On a different note, my weight is now 130.5 lbs. The same amount it was before when I screwed up and binged. Please don't fuck up, body. Please. I'm so hoping to reach at least 129 lbs by March 7 and I'm so close I can taste it. Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks
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