Shit.

Yep the title pretty much sums it up. I did bad. Like really bad... but I didn't binge.
Let me explain. So at 990 calories I explained how close to bingeing I was. On the brink. But I stabilized myself with a yoghurt and a couple of crackers. That put me up to 1145 calories. And then I thought to myself, "alright only about five hours until it's a reasonable enough time to go to bed, I'm done eating for the day."
Yay. Wonderful. That's all well and good, but then my mom came home. Holy fucking shit. Alright, so she made a big greasy BBQ dinner because I mean WHY NOT? And usually on a day that I don't care what I eat, I'll probably eat three greasy sausages and maybe four slightly healthier kabobs. NO EXAGGERATION. I know right? That's a shit load of calories. But today I told my mom I wasn't very hungry, hoping she would let me slide off dinner.
And then she gave me the look. The signature look. Anybody who's gotten caught doing something Ana related or just slipped too much and now their parents are suspicious has received this look. You know what I'm talking about. And since my parents actually caught me writing this blog and read it, imagine how suspicious they are of me, even months later. So, I quickly sat down on the dinner table before she started asking questions.
I ate.
Three kabobs. And a bit of BBQ sauce.
I felt so bad about it that I actually dug through the trash and pulled out the soggy wrapper to see how many calories were in it. I feel disgusting.
My total intake is 1495 calories. Oh. My. God.
That's horrific. I'm so ashamed. A whole 245 calories over.
I want to blame my mom. But I know deep down that I could have tried harder. I should have. I didn't.
So I'll just pray that I lost weight. If I gained then the intake for tomorrow will be 1050. If I (miraculously) lost, then the intake will be 1300. If I maintained, the intake will be 1250 again.
Tears and anger,
~ Cleosparks