Floating

 I've been gone for quite a while. Sorry. Once exams ended, I found myself going out with friends on the regular or just sitting around the house, the last thing on my mind was weight-loss or pro-ana. It showed too. My weight went up. All the way up to 142 lbs. And that's what I weighed myself in on July 4th. It hit me hard since that was when I hoped to be 136 lbs.
 I guess that day kicked my butt into gear. I didn't so much star dieting again, but I only ate when I was hungry and never before. I lost about a pound and maintained that until I'd say about two days ago. Once again, I was sick of being in the 140s and I started daydreaming about being the skinny one again. Believe it or not, back when I was 130 lbs, I was a lot skinnier than I thought. I saw a video of me and my friends yesterday from around January and I looked so skinny. I started to hate myself a little more yesterday.
 And then the weirdest thing happened yesterday. For breakfast I had a sandwich as per usual, but then I just decided I wouldn't eat lunch. I just didn't feel like it. And then when my mom got home for work and suggested dinner, I was almost repulsed by the thought. It was so totally weird and so totally awesome.
 I remember last night, how I went to the fridge with every intention of stuffing my face, but nothing was appealing. Nothing. I just didn't want to eat any food. It was like my mind and my body were simply confused. On one hand, my body was awaiting my usual nightly binge, but on the other hand, my mind just went, "meh" at every food I came across. I just didn't feel like eating.
 So this morning, I lay in bed as I usually do for about two hours, reading a book (call me a nerd), and decided it was about time I got up and ate some breakfast or something. But when I got up, I got that blurred vision thing you get when you get up to fast. I was utterly surprised when it didn't go away. Suddenly I was lying on the floor and I couldn't remember falling but my arm hurt and I had a headache, which lead me to believe that I slowed my fall with my arm, but I still nicked the floor with the side of my head.
 This strange falling thing has happened once before. I blogged about it. I was utterly scared when it happened, and I did my research and found out what had happened to me was that I fainted, but probably didn't black out. Instead of the panicky feeling that I felt last time, I just felt sort of... happy... this morning.
 I know that it's so sick and twisted, being happy about fainting, but the thing is. I miss ana. I miss all the feelings. When I think back to last October all the way to around February. I can barely clutch the memories. It just feels like that part of my life was just one big dream and it didn't really happen. I want that feeling again. I crave it almost more than I crave being skinny again. Almost. Even when I go back to read old blog posts, I can barely remember having written them. It's all so weird, yet liberating. It's like feeling like you were just floating along for five months.
 Back to the present, I weighed my self again after that fainting spell and came up at 139.5 lbs. Not as good as I would like, but good enough.

~ Cleosparks

It's Been So Long

 It's been so long since I last updated. Like literally months. I missed this blog like crazy, but never fear, I have a pretty legitimate reason for  having left. My parents. They found out about... everything. They read my blog. Every single word. They told me all this stuff about how anorexia is a disease and how I could die and all this stuff I already know. I felt like shit to be honest. They told me to shut it all down. I didn't.
 I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
 Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
 I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
 I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
 Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
 I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks

Almost Binges and Almost Tears

 Well... I have some very bad news. This morning, I weighed myself on a very empty stomach- as in VERY empty. No waste... I dropped a duke. On my empty as can be stomach I weighed 134 lbs. 134 LBS. A gain of 3.5 lbs in a week-ish. Of course I'm unhappy about that, but I'm trying. I won't beat myself up too much and I'm going to lose the weight I've gained; one pound at a time.
 Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
 All that being said...
 Wish me luck
 ~ cleosparks

 P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!

I'm Sorry

 I'm sorry I keep not posting. I guess it's because I've been feeling less and less happy the healthier I get (as odd as that sounds) and I've been feeling sorry for myself among other things. I'm too scared to weigh myself as I'm sure I've gained weight since that stupid meal plan was started. Volleyball has got me eating more, but I know I can't blame volleyball for my excessive binging over the last seven days.
 Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
 I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
 Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
 I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
 ~ cleosparks