It's Been So Long

 It's been so long since I last updated. Like literally months. I missed this blog like crazy, but never fear, I have a pretty legitimate reason for  having left. My parents. They found out about... everything. They read my blog. Every single word. They told me all this stuff about how anorexia is a disease and how I could die and all this stuff I already know. I felt like shit to be honest. They told me to shut it all down. I didn't.
 I stopped posting, sure. But I made a promise to myself that I would come back. And I did. I'm back and I have so much to tell you.
 Let me start with this; I gained weight. A lot of weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months, but when I stepped on the scale on June 4th, I found myself at an almost unspeakable weight. 146 lbs. I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I would do anything to get back down to the 136 lbs that I was earlier in the year. How had I fucked up so royally as to gain more than ten pounds. I had no idea I had grown this fat. I hated my parents for making me stop my anorexic habits. I hated the scale. I hated my life. I knew then that I had to go back. I needed ana.
 I devised a new plan. I wanted to get down to 136 lbs in a months time. I wanted to loose ten pounds by July 4th. I stopped eating without a care in the world. I stopped eating breakfast. I slowly stopped hating myself.
 I knew that I had to be more careful, I needed to do things slowly and take my time, or my parents would catch me again. I've permanently stopped eating breakfast and I'm gradually starting to exercise. I hopped on the treadmill for the first time in months on July 8th for a total of seven minutes. Horrible. I kept thinking about how ten pounds ago, I was able to keep going for two hours and not feel this tired. I was desperate to be that girl again.
 Today it is June 14th and I have lost five pounds. Still gross, but not as gross. 141 lbs. With every pound I drop, I hate myself a little less. It feels good to be lighter. I know that if I continue to loose the way I have been losing, I will be 136 lbs by June 24th. I know, however, that it is unlikely that I will lose weight as steadily. Nevertheless, I will try as hard as I can.
 I'm back guys. And I'm here to stay.
~ Cleosparks