Sick of This

So yesterday I binged... a lot. Today was much better. I had too much for what I consider is good for weight loss, but I'm fairly sure I didn't gain weight.
I won't be able to know for sure if I really lost or gained weight because... well she caught me weighing the other day. Just as I was stepping off the scale (don't worry I was clothed) she walked in on me. Then she went on one of her tyrants about not worrying about how much I weigh and just being healthy. Honestly it went through one ear and out the other. I hate it when she tries to control what I do or eat.
Well, on a side note... I am so SICK of being between 130 and 135. I want to leave the 130s for good. It's time to get serious.
~ cleosparks

Almost Binges and Almost Tears

 Well... I have some very bad news. This morning, I weighed myself on a very empty stomach- as in VERY empty. No waste... I dropped a duke. On my empty as can be stomach I weighed 134 lbs. 134 LBS. A gain of 3.5 lbs in a week-ish. Of course I'm unhappy about that, but I'm trying. I won't beat myself up too much and I'm going to lose the weight I've gained; one pound at a time.
 Also, I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't do as well as I would've liked either today. I almost binged on my way home from my volleyball practise today. I don't mean almost binge as in stopping myself last minute and going for some water instead. I mean almost binge as in I ate enough for it to be almost a binge... but it wasn't quite enough to be considered one. I'm hoping something clicked in my brain today and I'll do better tomorrow because I feel like today was a fork in the path... I just don't know which direction I chose to go in yet.
 All that being said...
 Wish me luck
 ~ cleosparks

 P.S. I was almost brought to tears by the comments on my last post. <3 I didn't know I was receiving all this support! Thanks guys!

I'm Sorry

 I'm sorry I keep not posting. I guess it's because I've been feeling less and less happy the healthier I get (as odd as that sounds) and I've been feeling sorry for myself among other things. I'm too scared to weigh myself as I'm sure I've gained weight since that stupid meal plan was started. Volleyball has got me eating more, but I know I can't blame volleyball for my excessive binging over the last seven days.
 Wow it's been seven days. I wish... I don't know. I wish I didn't abandon this blog for a week just because I was pitying myself because, truth be told, I do better with losing weight and restricting when writing my blog as oppose to when I'm not. Have I mentioned I'm sorry?
 I'm sorry if this post has been nothing but a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I'm sorry if all my other posts have been sad emo-esque depressing failures. I'm sorry if my posts haven't been up to par. I'm sorry if I haven't been very captivating lately... And most of all, I'm sorry for not having posted in so long. If it's worth anything, I haven't touched a computer since my last post, and not only have I not posted, but I haven't checked the blogs I follow either. I'm too sorry for myself, for any potential readers that I may have lost, for loyal readers that have silently been waiting, and I'm sorry... you know... for being sorry.
 Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time for some major changes. I've been skipping breakfast everyday I spend at home (I never spend a weekend at home as I have volleyball tournaments every weekend) and instead been taking diet supplements. But because I'm an idiot, to make up for my awesome lack of breakfast, I decide it's okay to binge when I get home. (Once again... because I'm an idiot.)So enough with that. No more binging.
 I'll post again tomorrow. I promise.
Wish me luck!
 ~ cleosparks

I Couldn't Do It

I tried to stay away from this blog and eat directly from the meal plan without skipping meals until Thursday when I said I would next weigh myself. But I couldn't do it. I missed this blog too much and I missed my pro Ana weighs.
This morning I skipped breakfast and took some diet pills instead. Its all or nothing with me. This just goes to show that I can't follow a "normal diet." It's restriction or binging with me and that's how it'll always be.
However, I am staying true to my word that I won't weigh again until Thursday. But I can't stay away from this blog or from Ana.

Incoherent Thoughts

This morning I weighed 130 lbs. If I gained weight when I step on the scale tomorrow morning... I might have an actual mental breakdown. I don't think I could handle it.
I ate about 1622 calories today. Yes. I know. Half way into the day, I thought about lying and saying I ate when I really didn't. But I decided I would follow the plan for a week just like I said I would, otherwise my weight in exactly one week wont really do much to determine anything. One week.
I felt like I was contradicting myself all day today. "Eat it you have to." "Don't eat it you'll get fat." Now you have an excuse for Ana. You HAD to eat so she won't be mad." Conflicting thoughts like these can be more than a little confusing.
I don't even know if what I'm typing even really makes any sense. I'm tired yet energized and too full and SO hungry all at the same time. It's a very strange feeling.
Well maybe I'll be able to write down more coherent thoughts tomorrow instead of blabbing nonsense right now ;P
Until then.
~ cleosparks

A Meal Plan

Today I ate just enough to lose about a half a pound I think. We'll see tomorrow. I must admit, I'm a little scared that I might have a gained weight. I'm scared because I didn't count calories so I very well could have gone WAY over. Thus, I count today a failure in staying under 500 calories. Having a backup plan would come in handy if not for one thing
Just after practice tonight, I was getting ready to post here on my blog. Something along the lines of "Bleh I kind of screwed up. Time to start my reversed 2468 diet." But my mom stopped me before I got on the computer to tell me that I was going to follow an "athletes meal plan" starting tomorrow. I felt like shooting myself in the head.
So, I checked out the plan myself (I'll post the plan tomorrow) and the stuff on there is quite healthy as I would expect... but it has a LOT more than 800 calories. I just did some rough estimating in my head and got 1650 calories. That's about enough to maintain my weight right now. So, I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, follow the meal plan strictly for a week, and then weigh myself again. If I gained weight, I'll cut out one of the snacks or both (depending on how much I gain) and wait a week and weigh again. If I ended up losing weight, well then I'd continue the diet because it'll probably do more good than harm :P. And if I maintain, I'll wait another week before deciding what to do.
My meal plan starts tomorrow.
Wish me luck!
~ cleosparks.

Easy as ABC

 I'm starting the ABC diet tomorrow. It is the most popular diet in the pro-ana universe up there with 2468 and SGD. Well, at least that's my take with this. I plan to complete as much of ABC as I can. Once I reach my limit and fail- I assume I'll do this within a day or two- I'll switch to my inverted version of the 2468 diet for 12 days and then try the ABC again.
 To start off with, the ABC diet is a diet that allows you to eat whatever you want in a day whenever you want as long as it stays under (or at) the specified calorie amount for the day. It is 50 days long.

ABC Diet

day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

Yes, I know this is going to be hard which is why I've already come up with a back-up plan. When I fail, I will do my inverted version of the 2468 diet... my very own 8642 diet. In this diet you eat 800 calories one day, the next day eat 600, then 400, 200 and repeat. I'll do this three times (that's twelve days) and then go back to ABC. If I binge on an 8642 diet day, I will simply overlook that day and continue on as this diet is simply to help with regaining control.

Oh, on a side note... I weighed in this morning at 131.5 lbs.

~cleosparks

Week	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
Week 1	500	500	300	400	100	200	300
Week 2	400	500	Fast	150	200	400	350
Week 3	250	200	Fast	200	100	Fast	300
Week 4	250	200	150	100	50	100	200
Week 5	200	300	800	Fast	250	350	450
Week 6	Fast	500	450	400	350	300	250
Week 7	200	200	250	200	300	200	150
Week 8	Fast	Slowly return to a normal diet

Week	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
Week 1	500	500	300	400	100	200	300
Week 2	400	500	Fast	150	200	400	350
Week 3	250	200	Fast	200	100	Fast	300
Week 4	250	200	150	100	50	100	200
Week 5	200	300	800	Fast	250	350	450
Week 6	Fast	500	450	400	350	300	250
Week 7	200	200	250	200	300	200	150
Week 8	Fast	Slowly return to a normal diet

Um Wait...

So. There's some good news and some bad news.
I'm not actually 5'6. I'm 5'7.5. This means that at a weight of 133 lbs, I have a bmi of 20.5 rather than 21.5.

Bad News
I have a BMI of 20.5 yet I am still fat. Strikingly so. Great. I thought that when I reached 20.5 I'd look great, but it turns out I'm already there and I look horrible.

Good News
I will have a bmi of 18.5 at 120 lbs rather than 114.5 lbs. Thus I will be considered underweight at an earlier time.

Question
Should I alter my goal weights to match the BMIs I will now have? For example, should a goal weight of 130 at 5'6 now be changed to a goal weight of 136 lbs so that either way I'll have a BMI of 21.0? I think that's logical enough... I'll do that.

Bottom Line
I'm still fat.

Fuck

133 lbs and cordially hating myself. That is all.
~ cleosparks

830

So, I tried to fast today and ended up eating 830 calories. FML right now. Well at least its still a relatively low amount. But still... bleh. I have a new plan of action. Everyday I'll try and eat the same or less calories as the day before. If I screw up and binge then the next day I'll just try and eat less than my record. My record right now is, well 830. I'm going to try and get that or less but it's going to be hard because I have an all day volleyball tournament. But I'll try.
On a different note, my weight is now 130.5 lbs. The same amount it was before when I screwed up and binged. Please don't fuck up, body. Please. I'm so hoping to reach at least 129 lbs by March 7 and I'm so close I can taste it. Wish me luck!
xoxox
~ cleosparks

A Time Limit For My Goal

  Today I ate a total of 1084 calories. Ya I know. Shitty day. That being said, I did lose two pounds since yesterday, so I did indulge a little bit. Bad mistake. I hope I don't weigh more tomorrow.
  So, let me just get this out on display here. Judge me as you will... but my mom is my reverse-thinspo. Yes I know! I know! I'm a horrible person. But it's true. When I'm thinking of binging until I can't move... I just look at her and see her rolls and legs and suddenly the binge isn't so bad. Yup, right now you're thinking "God, this girl is horrible! I'm never looking at this blog again!" You know what? I don't blame you if you say that. I am a horrible person, but that isn't exactly new information. This is why I've been cursed with the inability to get out of the 130-135 lbs range. I swear, when I get in the 120s, I'm never looking back. Really I hate it. I've been in the 130s for so long, I don't remember what it's like anymore to be 126 lbs.
  I've decided to try and reach my second goal weight of under 130 lbs by March seventh. I chose March seventh because my grade is starting swimming unit on that day and I don't want to look as fat as I look right now.
  I've got six days. This. Will. Happen.
  I'm going to look up more tips and tricks and hopefully collaborate some ideas on how to loose more weight. When I get disciplined enough, I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'm really excited about that. But first I need to learn some more restraint.
  As far as life is going right now, I'm becoming more and more crappy and bitchy towards my friends and I feel like I'm oh so slowly pushing them away. I'm also getting to be more careless about things and I'm beginning to not give a shit about things I usually care about.
  Plus I'm tired as hell all the time.
  Correction: I'm tired as hell on good days when I've been doing some heavy restriction. Hopefully I'll be tired more.
  Oh, and here is the best tip I have come across so far. WATER. These websites aren't kidding when they say water helps. I'm telling you it does. I think the fact that I drank two tall glasses of water before bed greatly helped in the amount of weight I had lost over night. I myself will make it a goal of mine to drink two glasses of water in the morning (after I weigh myself) and two glasses of water before bed.
  Wish me luck!
  xoxox
~ cleosparks